Eve of Independance

48 years ago today, the nation stood in silence, full of anticipation for tomorrow, the 31st August, the day our nation gained independance and became a self ruled sovereign country. I cannot imagine what is going through the minds of the general population, the rakyat but I assume it's filled with enthusiasm, patriotism and elation. I wished I have that exact feeling with me right now, fastforward 48 years to the current time but instead of feeling elated, I don't actually feel any emotion, nothing at all, ziltch, nyet.

I wonder if half the current population of the so called new generation actually feel the rush of patriotism of any form. Most are too young to have any recollection of the trials and tribulation of the years under occupation and governance from the englishmen, and the miseries of war. The younger generation is totally sheltered and cushioned courtesy of the hardships experienced by our parents. I am one of the newer generation of people of this country and it's not unreasonable to say that I haven't received had any gratification from the goverment. I strive and work hard during my service in the goverment only to be sidelined and cast aside for the people with the right connections as well as the right skin "tone". What is this? Affirmative action? How can affirmative action be just when it's open to systemic abuse by the people in power? I reckon unless mentality like this is casts aside and real equality and unbiasness injected into the system, no one would feel patriotic, well least not me.

There are loads of programes and drives to instil this into our minds, but it hasn't been working. I cannot see this achievable in the near future, not when I'm still alive. Patriotism and the love for our country doesn't come with "force", it needs to be nurtured and from continous cultivation with love and care, spreads and propagate from there. No amount of propaganda and motivational speeches and activities can fast track this process. At the end, having laws to penalise shopkeepers for not hanging up the national flag is both absurd and silly, bordering on ridiculousness. If we were to respect the flag, why would they want people to adorned their filthy cars with the flag? Perhaps they should wear the flag even closer to their body by making underwear with insignia of it? Ah yes, ever think of having the displayed flag stolen in the middle of the night as being patriotic? It happen to me!

Forum Gathering

It was Saturday and it's 7pm and the get together that was planned weeks earlier is finally reaching it's finishing line, the planning and constant heartaches of postponement and endless messaging is reaching it's pinnacle. The day and time is finally dawning and sympathetic stimulation causing the heart to beat faster than normal, questions began to form in my mind, would anyone turn up? would they actually find the venue? would we even communicate? would the conversation flow and would anyone actually have fun? The barrage of seemingly endless questions begin to form in my mind as I drove to the venue.

As it is, the evening started off on a bad note, the restaurant reservation was totally screwed. Finding a scapegoat in putting the blame to them is convinient but perhaps I need to be somewhat responsible, I had inadvertently quote or misquoted my name when I called to reconfirm! Anyway it took some maneouvering and things immediately look brighter, eventhough the number of person that pledge to come was actually lower than previously anticipated it was nonetheless a memorable get together, I had fun meeting up with people from different walks of life, different background with a common interest. We laughed, chatted and exchange views. I had finally able to put faces behind each's nicknames, and it was an experience by itself to actually guess who they were when being introduced. Some funny nicknames let us burst out in stitches. My! it was fun, something makes me laugh like I have done for a while!

As the night wears on, we were talking like old friends, long lost buddies and we shared views and beliefs. Experiences were exchanged, advise dispensed and all done in good faith. I used to find all advise to be insincere but after this meetup, it changed my perspectives a lot. I had indeed learnt a lot in this maiden gathering. I had a couple of beers which makes me extremely chatty. I think the liquid gold has an inate ability to bring out the chirpiness in me. I am looking forward to reorganising a similar get together in the near future.

Brainless Banter

Friday night, the eve of my day off, and I am sitting with time on my hands, thinking of ways to spend it and guess what? I end up writing in my blog with loads of things in my mind, non specific ones , furiously typing away. Which is why the heading reads "Brainless Banter".

The day started off like any day, nothing much considering it's still the month of Spirit Festivities. For chinese it's a month long orgy of celebration as well as prayers. There are numerous shelters built along the roadside and offerings put up on tables all along the areas. It's a spectacle to witness and a real experience by itself whereby temporary stages are built with scantily clad singers belting out equally suggestive songs with gyrating bodies in order to appease wondering spirit. Can you beat that? Singing to entertain the spirit? I reckon this is definately taking entertainment a bit too far! I wonder if any other race have an excuse to celebrate every single thing? We have celebration for everything, from birth to the dead. From marriage to divorce. I reckon being a chinese I find this a rather perplexing and complex concept.

The offerings that they made were really ingenious, everything that we have in this world are duplicated in paper, from the latest B&O beo soundstage system to the newer models of Mercedes Benz. Whatever happened to the more affordable Protons? Reckon when we are alive, the car that we can afford to drive are only protons but when we are dead we would be privy to drive Mercs which isn't all that bad! Hmm, Perhaps I should put it in my will that when I pass on my ride of choice would be a Ferari F40 in my afterlife, wonder if the workers can come out with one of those? Whatever that you cannot afford, you could jolly well get it when you are dead. What you want you can have it, from latest mobile phones to designer branded clothings, darn I reckon being dead is even more fun eh? All this are replicated in paper. This is an work of art by itself, workers furiously using bamboo to make the frame and skeleton before coloured paper are applied on to the frame to resemble whatever that the dead fancies. Isn't that going a bit far?

Foods galore will be adorned and put up in all the tables laid out for the benefit of the dead. Some people who has the "third" eye claims that spirits with their long tongue would be licking and tasting the foods, and after the praying and burning of all the luxurious paper mache products the "devotees" would then take home the "offered foods" and then eat. I think if I have the 3rd eye and can see this, I would be running like hell from the foodstuffs. Yucks, long and dripping tongue, how gross can it get?

Real Estate Forum's gathering

Haven't been writing for a few days, nothing much to write apart from the normal routine or work, work and work. As per the coming weekend, I am organising a get together of our fellow forumers to meet up in one of the popular nightspots in Desa Hartamas. First things first I am unsure if any of the people that say they would come would actually make it. Most of the time there is no obligation to even honour what has been pledge especially none ever meet up before. I reckon the only information that I have is their email address as well as their nicknames! haha I wonder if this is enough to go on with recognising them? Hmmm, I wonder?

Anyway it would be funny as one of the forumer that is supposed to turn out is nick as Banzai, I could even picture and visualised that he looks stout, short with a "Hitler-esque" moustache, and small slanty eyes and I would not be even surprised if he comes with a "bandana" tied to the forehead ala "Karate Kid". Haha.

Anyway there is another who is supposed to come who goes by the name ACDC, and I wonder if he's anything like the Rock Group, ACDC or "Anti Christ, Devil's Child" band member, with their protruding tongue as well as their make up that shadows even the most vain female. Haha for all I know this ACDC chap is a grand dad in his sixties! My, how can we actually visualise and make out how a person looks like based on their nicks? Hmmm, I think it should be fun, something out of the ordinary and would definately make it into my "list of must do's"!

Well the meeting up is making my heart race and full of anticipation about the outcome, I have since make the booking with the venue and it remains to be seen that how many actually turn up. I reckon it's not easy as some are outstation and meeting up in a nitespot during the weekend is by no means easy, others are with children and needs "permission" from their respective "Home Ministers" which could make some dents in my plans. But anyway hopefully and keeping my fingers crossed things would work out and the get together would be fun for everyone who actually turn out. Maybe if it prove to be enjoyable for everyone, the meet up could be make a constant event. It's a good thing too as we could actually learn from one another about the finer points of investing rather than going about doing things blindly! I reckon I am still in my infant stage when it comes to investing but mind you, I am not going to be infant for long, don't plan to and perhaps in the coming future, instead of infant, it would be the godfather of real estate? hmm who should I aspire to be? Yeek, certainly not Donald Trump, hopefully another Li Ka Shing Malaysia? Haha, fat chance but wouldn't it be good? Well dreaming is free so why not?

The Chinese In Malaysia

I have done it all over again. I have written a long blog on the above topic only to find it disappearing after mistakenly clicking on the translation key. I think it's like that. Sometimes things just happen. I could either loose my temper or just swallow it all up and retype everything all over. I choose the latter. I cannot actually remember exactly what I wrote but it's something about the Chinese community in Malaysia (evidently from the topic). I plan to revert from the original journal-esque entry and focus more on writing something that does not reflect my moods. During the pass few days after rereading my previous entries, I found something pretty ridiculous, I have been getting proposals from gays. I don't mind befriending gays and I have loads of friends that have different sexual orientations but I am not inclined towards that orientation. I have a tennis partner that is totally one and if I may add, whacks the ball (tennis) like it's his sworn enemy! Coming back to this, I guess I'll just have to retype and re-blog everything again. The gist of it is that the Chinese that are present in Malaysia were basically "outsourced" from a few areas in mainland China. There are numerous dialects and provinces that "supply" the workforce to colonial Malaysia pretty similar to the slave trade that was so blatant during the "Kunta Kinte" days. There were many stories regarding these laboureres that they were labelled as "piglets" and was forced to sign agreements that they cannot afford to pay back. These laboureres are mainly from the Southern part of China, the Cantonese hails from Canton or Guangzhou Province, Hokkien speaking people from Fujian, Hainanese from Hainan Island, Hakka, Fuchow and some minorities like Kwangsi from Kwangsi province.

All the different enthic immigrants are brought for different work. It's a method of divide and rule in the form of the colonial masters. A tactic that basically creates rifts between the various dialect speaking Chinese people. As it is the people tend to get involved in certain societies based on their ethnicity, surname and others which further segregate the communities. All these societies were the knockoffs of secret societies that were so rampant during the demise of the Qing Dynasty in China. There were mainly 2 major secret societies which is the "Ghee Hin" and the Hai San". During the tulmultous and chaotic periods, both these society would slug and pillage and to burn each other's places in order to exert control over each other's territories. It was a real free for all then. During those times, the area which they control was quite a significant area of Peninsula Malaysia. I could remember the image of Stephen Chow's "Kung Fu Hustle" which so vividly portray the same happenings in China.

From what I understand from my dad and which was entirely hearsay, different chinese people are involved in different careers post war. The chinese were initially brought over to work as labourers in tin mining as well as rubber plantations. When the population of the chinese grew, many branched out and started different businesses. This is of interests as the business that certain groups are standard with the Hokkiens mainly concentrating on 2 major business, bicycle shops as well as prostitution fronted by budget hotels. We can see loads of left over hotels in Chow Kit Road which used to be an infamous red light district during the late 70s and early 80s. A small portion of cycle shops still survived till this day but it has gradually lost out to the modern hypermarts that sells everything from plastic bags to gas powered cycles. Some are still in business thought, more in the outskirts and smaller towns like Teluk Intan and Banting.

The Cantonese are the ones that are mostly more inclined towards arts and crafts. Most would be tailors or barbers. Some are involved in making toys and and making paper effigies that was used for certain ceremonial festivals. The Foochow are the agricultural people, mainly involved in plantation and because of that they are more concentrated in certain parts of Malaysia like Sibu, Kuching and some areas of Peninsula like Sitiawan and Muar. These group of people are very frugal and they are the ones that become affluent due to the extensive landbanks. The also excel in politics which is why at one time MCA is helmed by many Foochows.

The Hainanese are the ones that are really good cooks, coming out with the sumptous Chicken Rice which has become reknowned all over Malaysia and also most are involved in coffee shops and catering business. The Hakkas are the enterprising people involved in Sundry shops and so forth.

I reckon my family is a bit unorthodox as we were neither involved in cycle shops nor cheap prostitute laden hotels. My dad was involved in constructing and during the initial part did pretty well before he passed away many years ago. After his demise and coupled with the recession, the company was eventually "siphoned" away by his partners. My sibling that was managing the company was unable to stem this and we ended up having nothing. I was lucky in the sense that I had an education and it really didn't bother me that much. Being a first generation chinese and having my parents that hailed from mainland China I would think it would good precedent to have a occupation that is totally different from out historical careers.

21.8.2005

Here I am again, writting nonsense in my favourite sounding board. Yesterday was a relatively productive day apart from the discomfort in my neck. On a brighter note, my neckache is much better as compared to yesterday, there is some residual pain but nothing that I can't handle. I was sitting the whole day in Starbucks and have manage to reply to my favourite Real Estate Forum. Sometimes it's funny when under a veil of anonymity, people tend to verbally abuse one another via public sounding boards . I wonder why is that so? I mean why are people not courteous amongst each other is way beyond me, they would just simply lash out at another person, for whatever reason they fancy. Funny eh?

Well another day, and today's a relatively quiet, perhaps due to the fact that the school holidays is commencing on Monday. I could visualise the beaming and laughing faces that is lining the children's faces. My neice is 10 and I could see the "glow" that she have on her face. My! what a sweet and angelic face, wonder when it's time to start school again, would she still have that "glow". I don't think "glows" like this goes beyond the holidays. I remembered when I was in public schools I did undergo the same sort of cycle. When school's out I am always estatic, not having to carry the "tonnes" of textbooks and exercise books on my shoulders and being kids can play the whole day! But when school starts again the dread and the anticipation of of waking up so early in the morning starts all over again. This is then the problem of handing up the homework starts causing beads of sweat to build up on our forehead! Why is there so much homework to do during the holidays? The funny thing is that when we are schooling, we dream of the holidays and plan out what we wanted to do but when it come, it tend to pass like the lightning and before we know it, it'll be over and the cycle continues. What a life eh? I think everyone needs to pass this cycle. I know because I did.

Seriously time flies. I can even remember when I was staying in a wooden house somewhere in the city which has now given way to tall condominiums. That was more than 30 years back! I even remember making my own toys, my own kite, even my own peashooter. I reckon kids those days were more enterprising in that sense, being able to make our own toys. Children then were more creative and more able to rough it out in stark contrast with the newer generation of children and their flashy new Nike's (why are those designs getting ulgier by the day?) and branded clothes, whom I may add only knows how to control a joystick. I never really take a liking towards playing computer games, I remembered when I was young, the games that were popular and "in" was Galactica and Pacman, nowadays kids don't even know what pacman is! Games now are more graphic and violent with loads of sexual innuendos. I reckon people are more exposed nowadays as compared to the naive kids of my generation. I don't even know how to control the numerous buttons in the "joypad" when I tried playing one of my patients' playstation and mind you, I couldn't even remember how many times I trashed the "car" while playing speedway, or whatever name the game is called. Recently online games is the fad and someone told me that many kids are making money trading credits in the online game, ever heard of "Gunbound" well I have, least I am not so backdated as some people my age.

20.8.2005

A saturday which happens to be my off day. I am currently in Starbucks which is totally unlike me, typing and also writing in this blog of mine. I am slowly living out of the "block" and I reckon it should be a good antecendent of things to come, hopefully. I have been here for the past 2 hours and having a late night yesterday I woke up at around 11am and the first thing that that struck my mind was why the heck my neck hurts so much? I think I have somehow twisted my neck muscles and this is why I am having numbness and tingling sensation on my left arm. Hmm, perhaps I should check my heart status as well, normally with some numbness and tingling sensation on the left arm and some other symptoms it usually points to something more grave. Hmm, I wonder?

i am supposed to go for tennis later today but seeing the change of events that has been unfolding, I think the "date" needs to be postponed. Don't want to aggravate the problems more than I already should, It's still paining like hell and I had taken some medication to reduce pain, perhaps I should really get my cardiac status checked. If I am down with a heart problem I reckon I will be on long term medication which I am totally uncomfortable with. Yeah, doctors aside, I am a person who dislike medications, unless I am so sick, I wouldn't want to touch any as I would prefer to tolerate the pain, at times I find my beliefs totally contradicting my training as a doctor but I think this is more of a preference.

The funny thing is that even when I am sick, the images of my ex still linger predominantly in my mind. The visuals have been "floating" in my mind constantly, which I may add is totally depressing and inappropriate. I understand that we had already broken off but it doesn't help to reduce the intensity the discomfort that I am undergoing. I am totally wasted when I think about her, and together with my neck ache, sort of make my off day even worst. I wonder if I am such a romantic constantly having to harp about my previous relationship woes, the only solution that I can think off is to find someone to replace her. I know this is totally unfair to the other party but I think in this case I need to be a bit selfish in order to tide me over her. I actually want to handle it myself and I suppose in time the frustration and the pain would be less but it has been close to half a year and I am still affected and I surmise that thesuffering is getting even more. I didn't know that I was so venerable emotionally until I met her, in this case I have totally lost my bearings and my priorities. How could I? A 35 year old professional and without a damn clue as to how to get over such a small blip in my life? I think my emotionally totally disgusting.

I noticed that I have been constantly harping on her, even in most of my previous blogs, I have written something about her. Does she even know that her grip on me is so strong? I reckon I also didn't expect that it was as strong as I initially imagined, but seriously it's ruining my life at the moment. I am lucky in the sense that I am having my own practice and don't work for another person, lest I get fired! I try my best to have an even temperament towards my staffs and my patient, but I reckon my staffs when they do something wrong, I would actually pounched on them, which is really unlike me, patient wise, I have yet to actually loose my temper and controlling is such a bitch, but until now I am happy to say that I am still able to. I wonder when I will totally break down and lash out at them? I really hope that my temperament will hold. I need to find other things to do, which is why I am currently focusing on reading and also investing. The first step is to occupy my time more on other things and then hopefully I would be fine.

19.8.2005

My oh my, time really flies and I'm here again, writing my never ending grouses in this blog of mine. I take this as my online diary, a sounding board for my daily experience with some retrospect thoughts and feelings. It has been more than a month that I have been nonsensically writing on this place. I am no creative genious nor a writer but my jottings are my own unique experiences and my inner feelings.

It's a Friday again and I am looking forward to my rest day. I have been working for the past 6 days and it's time again for my off day. I find all this very clockwork and very "monotonous" and I wonder if my life will be like this henceforth? I just want something out of the ordinary to fill my time and my life, maybe it's because of that, I've bought an xray machine? I even went to the extend of looking up the website for MSF, so as I would know what are the actual requirements in order to be a volunteer. Am I so wasted? Haven't I any purpose in life?

I had the audacity to look up my ex's homepage to see how are things with her. I feel like a lost puppy, a pathetic soul, with an aim nor an idea what did I check on her homepage for? I noticed she had put up a new pic of herself there and I can't stop but noticed that eventhough she is smiling, she doesn't appear to look happy. Why is that so? am I to blame? I also noticed that she looks haggard, but mind u, she isn't half as haggard as I am. I reckon I've aged so much over this period that I am now being called an uncle! Ya fat chance, some of my patients are around my age and calling me uncle, how cheap is that?

I couldn't help but feel responsible for what happen to my ex if she were to take the wrong turn and destroy her life. I know I have no obligation to think like that, but some how being so close to the person last time makes me feel guilty. Perhaps it was my destiny to be ther precursor of her problems? I am sickly sure that she is definately with the wrong crowd and I felt that it's because of me as an antecedent. I am as lost in this. I also felt sick when I saw her pictures, not because of anything, merely because of the fact that I still love her. I felt nauseous when images of her with someone keeps flashing on my mind, damn, it hurts. But what can I do, I had ran out of options and even initiating contact is a bane to her. I could never think of me being a nuisance towards her. I reckon I might be if I continue pestering her with concerns, some times peopl needs to make mistakes in order to be helped. I just pray that she wouldn't make any.

18.8.2005

DAMN SHIT! I typed so much in my friggin' blog and it just disappeared! I cannot imagine what bloody luck is happening to me! I am having hell on earth, just like the opening of the gates in the netherworld, and it happens to the exact day of the month, the worst day of the year. Damn if this is going to be the precedent in the days to come, I might as well call it quits!

As it is today is the 14th day of the seventh month according to the lunar calender and this is when the "souls" of the departed get a day off from hell! Literally! According to chinese beliefs the spirits will roam the realm of the human world in search of loved ones and in search of foods and it's always good karma to give and pray to them. I am also planning to do that and I am a novice in this praying to the dead as I am not much of a believer. What the heck, I guess I'll just join the club.

It is supposed to be the darkest day of the year, the "yin" as compared to the "yang" which is supposedly bad for a lot of people. When I was working in hospitals, I do noticed an increase in the amount of accidental deaths as well as more old people dying during this period. I cannot say that it has something to do with this month as such, but being chinese I couldn't help but tie 2 and 2 together. It's surprising and I wonder if we were to check with the goverment registry for birth and death, I would put my money on the latter being much higher in comparison to the other months. Well even in this month, the amount of people getting married and the amount of childbirth among chinese are significantly lower, unless for the former there are unavoidable circumstances like unexpected and unplanned pregnancy.

It's times like this that I begin to think about her. I wonder if she is safe and taking care of herself? I only hope that she is capable of doing that but if I know her, she will not be. Ah well, nothing much that I can do apart from pray for her wellbeing. She is always in my prayers and I have been praying before going to work and before I sleep. I wanted her to be safe and be happy. Perhaps I feel guilty in my part for not being able to take care of her, whatever it is, I reckon I am trying to at least hope and pray that she would lead a happy life. I don't know what I am doing now, thinking about her is usual, but as it is, I am unable to just drop everything about her and move on. I find this both cumbersome and tiring. Someone once said that I am a dreamer, and when it comes to many things I would actually think and think and think. Maybe what he said is true, I am still thinking about her, but until when is the question.

Coming back to the day, I always wondered what is's like to actually able to see "them"? I haven't the chance to see, but I reckon I actually came close when I was holidaying in a highland when i was pretty young, uptill now I am undecided if that's actually an apparition or it's just a figment of my imagination. Perhaps it's the latter? Anyway I've heard numerous stories about encounters with phantom and ghouls even when I was stationed in the hospital but I haven't the chance to actually see one. Perhaps it's a good thing?

17.8.2005

Wednesday and we have actually crossed the middle of the week, two more days ofcontinous work and then I'll be off for a day! Everyday when I start off to work, I would wish for the week to end, and when it's Saturday, I always feel that it moves a bit too fast for my liking. I have to cramp my whole weeks' plans in a span of a few hours? How I ever manage, I do wonder?

I have finally put my signature to the agreement to purchase an xray. I actually paid a deposit of a few thousand to secure the machine. It's now that the real process and problems come into the picture, which is the renovation where I need to close my clinic for a week to facilitate it and also for me to attend a course on the basic principle of radiation physics. Basically this stupid course has nothing to do with imaging and radiology, it's only a poor excuse from MINT or the Nuclear Commision to make a fast buck from the doctors. I just have to go along with it in order to obtain my first licence, which is the licence to purchase an xray device, after that I need to obtain a licence to transport, followed by storage licence and then lastly the licence to use the radiologic instrument! I think all this is both unneccesary and idiotic. What else would they think of next? Licence to apply to buy the xray film?

Anyway it has been an exhausting day for me, not because of the number of patients but actually due to the fact that I haven't actually slept well these pass few days. Someone commented that I have aged tremendously over the last few months, and I agree to that observation. I have a lot of stress and also insomnia during last 6 months. I think the breakup is taking an effect on me. Age is also catching up and it's totally frustrating to know that at my age, Mozart has been dead for more than a decade! Damn, considering how much he achieved, I feel so lackluster and pale so much in comparison. I need to buck up and focus on my career. Needless to say I feel something holding me back. I surmise that it's probably because of my attachment and my affection that I still retained towards my "friend" .

I don't actually know what I will achieve in 5 years time, but I promised myself that I won't work more than 8 hours a day then. I am praying for this to happen and is trying very hard to invest and to put my all into my career and the starting point need to be to equip my clinic with better facilities, by next year I hope to pick up another property and to open another branch. I think I will need all the luck and blessings that I can get. Maybe if she was with me, I would be less pressured and will be more at ease with myself? At least I would have peace and serenity. I know for certain that I would give my all to her, and would love her unconditionally even to the point that I'll forgive her for what she had done to me. I feel a need to prove myself when she is not around. At least when she sees me next time, I will be in a totally different league compared to what I am now. Hmm, wishful thinking eh? I am confident with a good business plan and the correct timings I will be able to make it. Lets just hope there is not fatal cliche' that will spoil my plans.

16.8.2005

My god, it's the middle of the month and ever wondered that time really flies? Hmm, I think it's begining to accelerate at a much faster pace recently. Maybe I am praying that it would be even faster for me to forget things that is constantly in my mind. Well Business today is average, nothing to shout about. The haze which has been so prominently talked about and reported has sort of died down and the news of the day is the multiple airline crashes in Greece and in Venuzuela, not to mention the 7.2 quake in Japan. Disasters are abundant recently, perhaps amageddon is looming? I remember many doomsday cult members propagating the fact that the world is coming to it's end by the new millenium.

Well away from the woes of the century, other happening hogging the local dailies is the up and coming MCA election. There are two distinct camp wanting to lead the party that purportedly represents the chinese community. In my opinion this party is basically representing the interests of it's own people rather than the collective good of the whole chinese community. It's a wonder that they claim to represent a particular race when most of the race that its supposed to represent is not even a member and the majority of well educated chinese professionals are not even inclined to be members, makes it difficult to imagine eh?

I had in my own managed to pick up some shares and it will be due in a few days time. I will have a to fork out close to a thousand in order to pick up this counter, but according to my friend the price would actually appreciate by the end of the year and it would be "substantial", which suits me fine. At least if I make some money it would actually help me in my purchase of the imagine device.

I don't know why is it that everytime my antivirus software updates itself, there is bound to be some problems with the other programes, it would slow down the whole computer and also makes all application "hang". I wonder if there is something wrong with the software? Perhaps I would just have to delete and not use the bloody software? Hmmm, I am afraid of being attacked by virus and there are so many spyware . I reckon I will just have to grin and bear it eh?

I am still thinking about "her" and I wonder how are things with her? It's been close of half a year that I broke off with her and I am still finding it difficult to move on and not think of her. The fact remains that she is still on my mind, like the Willie Nelson's famous song "You're always on my mind". Sad case, I know, even sadder is that I am unable to even place a call to her to ask her how she is. I am bound to my "pledge" and I will damn honour it. Bloody dickhead I was I reckon. I think in cases like this I am the one who happens to love the other party more than is reciprocated. This is a certain no no for anyone who wants a healthy relationship.

15.8.2005

Monday the first day of the week for a lot of people but for my I had been working since yesterday. Do I still have Monday blues? Well I guess I have, I slept pretty early the day before as I reckon I didn't or couldn't sleep a wink on saturday night, sort of compensating a bit. I wonder does it really work? Medically there is nothing to substantiate this but I personally don't think sleeping continously for a day actually helps us to recover from the previous day's exodus. Well at least that's what I think.

What happen to me today? Hmm, nothing much, patients are few as most already had come on Sunday, I started buying shares as advised by my friend and I actually picked up 5 lots which is a lot in my dictionary. Hopefully this will be a good investment for me. I have yet to actually make any money in the stock market, but as it is, there is always a first eh!

I haven't written my blog on the actual day yesterday as I was tired and have a lot of things to do, As it is, I am organising a get together for fellow real estate forumers and we have actually decided on the 27th of this month. I hope things will be able to move on smoothly. So the whole of monday is spend on writing messages to the forumers with the hope that they will be able to make it to the meeting/get together. Up till now, I think there are 13 that has actually confirmed participants and hopefully the numbers would increase.

As it is business was a bit slow and I went to crash early. I was listening to the radio for the dedication that I had made to my ex. It seems I must have missed it as I didn't actually hear the dedication playing on air. I wonder if she had actually heard it. I think she haven't which is why I didn't receive any smses containing redicule from her. I am lost and I reckon I am thinking of the past all over again. What would I do if I could turn back the time. I really wonder.

14.8.2005

Sunday, a day of relaxation and rejuvenation for many people but the first day of work for me, I haven't had any sleep the night before, as I had mentioned in my previous posting, reached home pretty late the night before. I was unable sleep maybe due to the presence of things on my mind. I could feel my thoughts shuffling around my ex and pass experiences. Some good and some bad. I don't know if I am actually sleeping but it sure felt like my mind was light years away from my body. It could transcend the barrier of time, the power of an hyperactive mind!

As in any Sunday I woke up feeling dreary and apprehensive about having to work 14 hours yet again! This is "Monday" blues for me and I am positively tired of the whole grind all over again. When people starts having blues on Mondays, I reckon mine will be ealier by a day. My god, I work twice as long as other people but earns far less than a lot of them in terms hourly wages. I am feeling exhausted and lack concentration and this is invariably due to my insomnia. I think being trained as a doctor, I have had enough of "practise" and could at most time go without sleep for a few days. I think this is something that most doctors would have undergone during our stint as house officers or interns. This is the reason why, many doctors cannot function socially and tend to settle down with the people of the same profession as well as nurses. I find all these pretty daunting. I don't want to end up like most of the doctors and I would prefer to find someone who is not intimately connected to medicine. I reckon with both having the same profession, it would be a bane and a setback to a successful relationship, what would we converse and communicate about? Patients and lastest discovery in modern medicine? Totally boring!

Business today is not bad, the haze that has blanketed most parts of the country are virtually gone and even when I am tired, I'd still treat my patients with the appropriate level of care. I think this cannot be compromised even with any excuse. Tired or not, infirmed or not, we still have to be mentally and physically capable to give our all and not expend substandard care.

I am still having a lot of flashbacks about my ex and the weird thing is that all the flashbacks are the good ones. Whatever happen to all the lousy and bad things that has happen so frequently last time when I was still with her? I find this fascinatingly inappropriate. Is it common for people to retain only the good memories and thus excluding the bad ones? Maybe subconsiously I want only good memory to be retained and it has sort of becoming more and more prominent in my mind. What should I do? At the rate that I am going, it would be a wonder what I wouldn't be ruined emotionally. I think I am up for a long break from my routine, which is totally justifiable. Maybe get to some place to forget everything? I think I will do just that, maybe in a few more weeks but at the meantime I will have to soldier on and be mentally strong, I hope I can. Weird isn't it? I claim to be mentally strong but here I am thinking about my past. Thinking about bygone things are something that I cannot control, images are lingering vividly in my mind, if I wasn't psyche up mentally, I would have gone bonkers by now. I know this is something that I can overcome but it seems that I am taking far longer than I initially believed. I think she has actually cast a wider net on my feelings that I previously thought she had, I reckon I totally miscalculated my feelings and my love for her. It's not easy loving someone and instictively know that the person is so wrong for you, I have the distinction of having this experience.

Is she such a bad person? I honestly don't think so, on the contrary, she is a very nice person. But at times her actions beguiles what a nice person should do. For instance she would randomly call friends and female acquaintances of mine and give them verbal lashings. I could understand the actions that she takes. I thoroughly believes thats she is not confident with herself and with me. Maybe I haven't been doing my part of allaying her anxiety and fears? It's just that somethings happen to her that shouldn't happen to anyone. She is a victim in this sense. She has been hurt pretty bad by her previous relationships. I wonder if it has taken an emotional toll on her? I reckon it must have, else what can explain her behaviour? I am still hopeful that she will have a good and productive life, and with time I hope that she will be more matured and different from when she was with me. At least I hope that she will have more confidence in herself and in her man. I am also hoping that she will eventually come back to me and yes I am still hopeful. I think this has the markings of a great relationship apart from the the flaw that we both have. Am I totally nuts to wait for her? I am not sure about the answer right now althought it may seem that I am.

Then why did I end that relationship since I am so in love with her? I am a sagitarian and as all sagitarians, we have certain tendencies. I absolutely thrive in my freedom, to do what I like and to have my own personal space. I find this freedom and space diminishing and she has been crowding my personal space. She is a Leo and the whole world should revolve around her. I understand all these horoscopic studies are farcical but at times when u look at it hard enough, the traits are difficult to miss. I am unable to come to terms with her temperament and I wanted her to re-evaluate our relationship and to trust our love for each other and not act paranoid. I am an individual person and I enjoy having many friends. I reckon if my decision to cool things off with her is a wrong one? Perhaps many things doesn't go according to plans? I might have totally misjudged this. The price I pay for freedom is too much to bear and I think I have to just swallow my feelings and move on. I hope and pray that she will be happy now. I know I have erred and hope that she understand my position. Hopefully in time if fate has a way, we might be together again.

13.8.2005

The only day that I actually have some rest and also the day for myself. Away from my practice, away from listening to people's problem, away from all the negativity. This is a day where at least there is some semblance to a normal "life". I woke up at 9am , very early considering that I had the whole day off and is able to sleep in. I am sleeping less these days, I don't actually know why, perhaps it's because I slept early the night before? On Friday night, I had actually gone for some nice coffee in Starbucks. Not coffee but some Nuntucket juice. It tasted funny as it's a mixture of a few fruits and it was "different".

On Saturday I went for my usual brunch and I haven't a good appetite. I only took a small portion of the laksa and I didn't even manage to finish it. I was also taken aback with my lack of appetite. I guess I must be weighing far less than my 64 kgs now. I went to the complexs and this time I drove there with my sis waiting in the car and I exchanged some dvds that is not watchable. I also bought a "Lighthouse Family DVD of greatest hits" which is a collage of their more well known hits. I had been wanting to get some musical DVDs and also some concerts. I think these are the discs that can be kept for future watchings.

I went back home and after sometime, I went out again, alone to 1 Utama, a favourite shopping area of mine. I brought along my notebook and I wanted to access the wireless wifi and to reply some of my mails. I sat in Starbucks again and I wasn't able to actually access the net. I reckon there are so many wifi connection that it's difficult to actually get one which has a strong signal. I sat around and drank my mocha frappucino and watch the world passing me by. I managed to write some emails but I didn't actually sent it, that would have to be on some other time. I left this place after a 2 hours and went to look for my friend to have some tea. I seem to have nothing apart from tea and it's positively bad for health! I went for tennis after that and I did noticed that I haven't much strenght to actually plummel the ball hard. I think I must be loosing far too much of weight and it has actually taken it's toll on my musculature to an extend that I cannot even whack the ball like I used to. Perhaps I am too tired? I managed to hit a few tennis balls and hopefully I would be better next week. I always feel better after my tennis but this time I don't particularly feel good. I think I am exhausted.

Went back to have a shower and have instant noodles for dinner. Nothing much, all starch. not even proteins! I think if I continue to eat like what I am doing over the pass few months, I would eventually hit 60kgs and this would be totally weird as the last time I tip the scale at 60 was when I was in my secondary school! That was like monkey years ago! I went for the chinese games of tiles called "Mahjong" with my friends as the planned "American Pool" has been cancelled. I just merely wanted the company with my friends and I played without any skills in this game. Needless to say I lost some money but it's not much. I think loosing 6 bucks for 3 hours of play is nothing to be ashamed of! By the time we finish it was nearly1.30am and we went for some tea where I ordered a huge glass of orange juice and I was completely filled after finishing the monstrous glass! I find it difficult to even lift the humongous glass with one hand. I wonder how would a girl lift the glass? I went back at around 2 am and could actually sleep. I think there was loads on my mind and it's difficult to shake it all off.

12.8.2005

A fresh new day, and it's one more day to my day off and I am positively looking forward to it. The day started off with the haze lightening up a bit and it's better as compared to yesterday and the day before. Hopefully it would be back to normal in a day or two! I had to run more than usual as I had some paper work to sort out. I left my clinic at around 11 am and drove to the city to a broker's office for the purpose of opening a brokerage account. I was supposed to open only one account and I ended up with 2! I reckon there is no harm opening another one as it's free anyway! My friend has been pestering me to get it done and to pick up some shares that he is sure would make significant gains over the next few months. I really hope what he say is right, I had been previously "burnt" when I got caught in the bearish market and hopefully I will be able to profit from a bull run now! I reckon with the market slowing due to haze it would make perfect sense to pick up a few lots!

I did something out of the ordinary as well today by registering in the local radio website and to dedicate a song to my "friend". I think I am a basket case in this sense, It started off with me fiddling with my notebook and as I was doing that happen to browse the website, needless to say all things leads somewhere and I registered and dedicated a song to her by Bruce Springsteen. Secret Garden with a heart rendering voice over from The Motion Picture Soundtrack of Jerry Mcguire ! I can always relate to that. It is my mood song, the song for me when I am feeling down and when I am totally not at peace with myself. I especially loved the part when he said, "You complete me". I wonder when would someone say things like this to me or even for me to say it to someone. In this case I wanted to say this to my ex, but I reckon the opportunity has passed. I think this song would be appropriate for me to dedicate to her, as I wholeheartedly wanted to say this three words to her, Darl, you complete me.

I am wondering what I should do tonight, after work. I am unable to think of anything to do, and I reckon the best is to keep myself indoors and sleep more? I have been working the whole day and it's irritation that I have to go back early and not able to go and enjoy myself, totally irksome. Hmm maybe I should start calling friends on the phone to ask if any wants to go out with me, for movie or even for a cup of tea? Is this a pathetic lifestyle? I seriously cannot think of any ways to change my life apart from simply closing my practice and to go for a long backpacking trip! How I wished that I have the time to do all this? Perhaps if my business becomes so bad, I would take the opportunity to do some volunteer work like "Medicins' Sans Fronteres'?" Maybe I should, at least I would be at peace with myself and I would actually feel that is more for me in this world? Hmmmm, maybe, maybe.

11.8.2005

The 11th day of the month of August, and also one of the haziiest days in my city. The haze has already been here for 2 days and there is no sign of any improving over the next couple of days. It has been reported that it will persist even until the end of October which is a real health hazard to the average Malaysian. Perhaps because of this, I am quite busy today, I have more than 20 patients until now, which is in the evening. I think with this haze, it would be a precedent for better days to come? At least for my practice.

A close friend of mine actually asked me to pick up some shares and he told me that it would be a good bet that it would appreciate in value over these few months and perhaps make around 50% on the way. He has already bought lots and he is letting me into the tips and hopefully help me make some money as well. I am thankful that I have friends like this that actually wants to help me. Perhaps my luck isn't so bad anymore? An insight on better days ahead? I certainly hope so. I know that my career is growing at a good and reasonable pace and I just wished that it would be together with a special someone.

It's nearing 9pm and I have since seen and treated up to 30 patients today, a record of sorts, I usually only see half that, but today since it's a thursday and hazy, perhaps more people are getting sick and needs a doctors attention?

At times like this I hope and pray that my ex would be careful and won't be sick. She smokes and also with her type of lifestyle I am sure she will be affected by the haze. She used to have severe allergies and also some atopic asthma and I have strongly cautioned her before regarding smoking but my advice wasn't heeded. I wanted her to cut smoking completely which she was reluctant to do. Hmm, I wondered why? I am still concerned about her wellbeing and I wanted to call her which I decided against as I want to kept to my word of not contacting her. I still love her dearly but what can a mortal like me do? Things happen, bad things and I am sure I had done whatever I can to salvage this relationship. I just want her to be happy, I wanted our relationship to be happy. That is what I wanted, is for her to have time to think what is her priorities and to enjoy what she wants before commiting to us. Basically it didn't turn out as I wanted to, and I reckon it would be for the best. It's better this than getting married and then having problems right? But I still think of her though, a lot in fact, so it's not unusual to think of her at times like this.

10.8.2005

I didn't write anything today as I was too tired. As it is, the day is very quiet, perhaps due to the haze that is so rampant in out city. I can barely see beyond half a kilometres and it's causing a lot of health problems to a lot of people. I think it's the annual "burn thy forest day" in our neighbouring country. I wonder if there isn't any legislation that can be brought to their goverment's attention in order to prevent this from ever happening again. I think breathing smog and particulate is something that I don't want to continuosly face in years to come. Someone needs to do something. If I recalled correctly it first started happening a couple of years ago, one year before the 1988 Commonwealth Games and it was until a stage that the games was nearly cancelled and held in a different country, but then when it miraculously didn't happen during the games, it has reared it ugly head so many years continuosly and our goverment is not doing anything to prevent this from ever happening again! I wonder why? Hmm, Perhaps these are the machinery of goverment?

It's been a long and frustrated day today, not much patient, I think not even close to 10 and the collection is deplorable. I don't know if it's going to continue again tomorrow, seeing the haze, it should be good news for doctors and clinics but as it is, it's very quiet in my setup, maybe due to the fact that I am not good enough? I heard over the radio that there is a lot of minor accidents and prangs occuring along the many trunkroads in and around the city and it was invariably due to the poor visibility of the roads. I wonder when will this persists until? Hopefully this is a short term problem and with the coming rainy season, it would actually clear off the smog from the air. I remembered last time while working in East Malaysia, I had the unpleasant experience of having to deal with the haze then, I was stationed in a small rural hospital and the haze was so bad until I cannot even see the building that was merely 50 feet away. There was even one incident that while transporting a critically ill patient to the tetiary hospital, we inadvertantly lost our way to the hospital as we had missed the junction! Can u beat that?We are so used to this road that it's imposible to miss it but we did!

I was reading and browsing about what is happening in the world as well as watching dvds most of the time today. As I had said, patients have been sparse and few and I had a lot of time to watse. Have been reading a lot on the real estate and I am organising a get together for the fellow forumers. The response have been pretty encouraging and I hope when we do meet up at the end of the month, it would be a good affair. I am doing this simply because of the fact that I want to make more friends, and get to know them as well as to increase my circle of friends. I think it's a good step to move on. To move from recurring dreams about my ex, to move on to greener pastures and to forget about her. I think i need to envelop myself with having some amount of activities, meeting with people who is of a different background, interests and standing. Organising something like this would serve my purpose of forgetting about my past liason with my ex.

9.8.2005

A recipe for Happiness:-

Two heaped cups of Patience

One heartful of Love

Two handfuls of Generosity

One headful of Understanding

A dash of Humour

Sprinkle with Kindness

Add plenty of Faith and mix well

Spread ove a period of a lifetime

And serve to everyone you meet.

What a refreshing way of looking at happiness, I wonder which ingredient that I am lacking? I have been trying to look towards my inner self and to identify the areas that I am deficient in. Until now I can say that I haven't found it yet. I wonder if everything is as easy and straightforward as it is, this feelgood and estatic feeling that is so talked about is, in any way a mirage? An end point in the world full of hatred and misery?

Today is a very slow day, nothing much to do. I have more or less decided to equip my practice with an imaging device. I think the next thing to move on is to give my patients more options with more diagnostic tools. The least I could achieve is that more people will get to know about my practice. Exposure in our profession is something that we want but is legally bounded not to advertise. I wonder all the fuss about letting health care professionals advertise is permissible already? Hmm, need to keep myself updated in council policies.

I went for tea yesterday and came back to tuck into bed by 12midnight. I have been consistently sleeping at around this hour and it has more or less becoming a routine for me. I haven't slept well though, waking up on and off for reasons unknown to me. Perhaps the vivid and unpleasant dreams that I had interrupts my sleeping pattern? I recall dreaming about my ex, her life now with the things that she is experiencing and this is definately something that I cannot control. Wonder if something is happening to her? Sometimes dreams are so mystifying and I reckon my curiosity is getting the better of me. I always think that there is something about her that grips me, which kept me fidgiting with unease and self doubt. Perhaps the ingrained memory is so strong that I find moving on without her something that I cannot imagine? Perhaps I should get rid of all the things that reminds me of her? Chuck out all the things that have her memories in? Whatever it is I am trying not to think about her too much and when I do, I tend to feel lousy the whole day. Maybe the ingredient that I need to find here in order to achieve happiness is Love?

Sometimes I am curious if she really were to come back, what is my response? Would I still want her back? I think the answer to that is simple and straightforward, which I don't think should be made known. A trial separation is a good option for peoples who has actually grown apart from each other. Do u know that in this country alone, the divorce rate is 25%? Effectively making 1 in 4 matrimony ends with separation! High by Asian standards. This period is the best time to make separated couples think what is the basis of the relationship? Is there any foundation and anything that is worthwhile to make this relationship work? Was it based on love or just a union of convenience? If the relationship is true and from the heart, some soul searching will be the best therapy. It will actually make a person work harder and not take everything for granted in a relationship. I think it would be even better than a marriage counselor.

Meanwhile I am still searching for the elusive ingredient for happiness. I hope and pray that I would eventually find it in time. Just hope that I don't have to wait too long.

8.8.2005

The magical 8, supposed to be a prosperous number in chinese especially in Cantonese with roughly translates into "wealth". Wonder if it's as magical and prosperous to me as well. As it is today is a monday as in any mondays the blues are in full force. I wonder if 8 is such a perfect number, from the strokes in it, it's by far the most perfect in the sense that all numbers can be formed from it. Therefore logically it is a perfect number. As for me, 8 is not associated with something positive. There are many things associated with 8 that reminds me of something bad, my previous shop bears the number 8 and I end up having to wind up my business, my car is a number 8 which is why I am still zipping around in an old jalopy. A lucky or unlucky number should be individualised, not generalised by being lucky or unlucky due to some verbal similarity with a particular tongue.

Coming to the day itself, my first patient happens to be a young man, no more than twenty that claims somebody spiked his drinks while in a club yesterday. He wanted me to give him some medication for his giddiness and generalised "uncomfortable" feeling in his body. I didn't give him anything apart from my opinion regarding recreational drugs. I think what he is suffering is perhaps a "hangover"? I told him that in cases like this, it would need hospital observation. If I my add, I think it serves him right for not mixing around with appropriate crowd, He should thank his lucky stars that he's not a female, many people become hook on drugs and also lost their dignity and self respect like this, imagine being gang raped? Not a complete inprobability in times like this. Many people are using the date rape drug, I just want females to be extremely cautious when they go out. My second patient is a monk and I didn't charge him apart from the medicine cost. I think it's this that makes me feel good about myself, being trained to heal. Then comes a young girl that actually fell while running and had a deep gash on her forehead, I have to stitch it and it turned our pretty well. I hope the scare would be as small as possible and I am confident that it would be very minimal.

I guess I must have rattled my mouth off when I am so vehemently passionate about date rapes. I have personally know a few people that were victims of it and I really emphatize with their predicament. The drug which is from benzodiazepine group is also known as rohypnol and it causes amnesia which makes the victim unable to recall and remember what actually happen. Other more commonly used date rape drugs include ketamine as well as GHB. All are addictives in recreational drugs and frequently used in discotheques and clubs. This is a lesser known fact. I hope and pray that young people nowadays are aware of this and to be extremely cautious when it comes to accepting drinks from strangers and also to be careful with their glasses. When I think of things like this, I am always concerned about the safety of the persons that I care about. I reckon for my ex, if she is not careful and mixes around with the wrong crowd, being gullible and also a little "high" with the alcohol, it's a dangerous mix. I just pray that she will be diligent enough to be aware of things like this.

I have to make another unscheduled trip back home to reinsert a new tube for my mum, as it is she has again did a houdini and pulled out the tube once again. I wonder if tying her up is not effective enough, perhaps I should think of other ways to restrain her? I wonder if with all the tying and restraining her, would it be bad when visitors see it? Hmm, I think what we are doing is basically for her own good. I think the phrase "cruel to be kind" rings true in this case.

7.8.2005

As expected I woke up and felt that it's the end of the world. I feel totally miserable having to wake up when I couldn't sleep well the night before. But I have to prime myself and at least not be fashionably late for work again. As it is I was awake until about 3 am and finally managed to nod off after a long time. I was thinking about last time all over again, it's like a very bad record playing on and on in my mind, what had transpired between us, what had she done to me and vice versa. I reckon it's totally exhausting and very draining mentally. I cannot help but having flashes of our good times together. It's like a movie with the "monochromatic flashbacks". It keeps cropping up the places that we have been, the food that ate, the areas which we hang out, the intimate things that we had shared.

Reach my clinic at about 10 minutes to 9am and commence to open. Its now currently 8pm and I had a very busy morning but a relatively free afternoon and evening. I had a case of crush injury on his fingers which I had a tough time reconstructing the digits and a case of dog bite. Even domesticated dogs have a tendency to be vicious at times. I wonder if this is true even for the owners themselves? Who knows, it's alway said that the pets usually mirrors the owners, wonder if the owner is vicious as well? Haha. I had also a case that I did some stitching on friday evening where broken fragmant of glasses had lacerated his legs and today he had came for his appointment. The wound is perfectly well aligned and healing is without a hitch. I always pride myself with having very good recontructive skills and this is one of the instances that I could be proud of. This is a small boy of around 5 years and my, did I had a hard time just to do that procedure on him, while doing his dressing, he started squealing, shouting and crying so loudly that I cannot even hear myself think! Sometimes things like this just make my already bad day even worst! My god, I am totally wasted after doing this for him, How I wish I am on a holiday somewhere without a care for this world! I reckon at times like this, Daniel's Powter's song really hit the home run.

I had to make a trip home at noon to check on my mum and also to have some food, but as it is I had missed my breakfast and I sort of developed some gastric discomfort. I never used to have problems like this, but recently all the medical illness seems to be cropping on and off in me. Perhaps age is catching up on me? When I got back home, I had to reinsert my mum's catheter once again as she with her hands tied manage to find ways to free herself and destroyed the catheter. I reckon she is a regular Houdini. I have actually lost count on the number of times that I had insert the tube for her. I reckon I will have to do it for many more times or should I say, I don't mind doing for her for how many times that my mum may require it, I feel at least it means she will be with us longer.

I have heard a phrase that is somewhat intriging to me. "When God closes a window, he usually opens a door" which in a nutshell means the things which had happen and is revolving around us happen for a reason and it may not be a bad thing. We just need to look at the brighter side of things. It is such a meaningful phrase and I know as well as hope it is true. I have been looking forward towards something positive in my life for so long. I just want this wait to be fruitful and worthwhile, and also not too distant away. I always wonder if I can learn how to love anymore. Seriously I have been in and out of relationships so many times that I am too sceptical about the sanctity of love. Does it even exists? If you were to ask a person who is in love, perhaps he might answer you with a positive and resounding yes, but for me? It remains to be answered. The truth is that I am still very concerned about her and I still misses and loved her so. Why am I still harboring these feeling is beyond me, I surmise that I am the type that cling on to the past a bit more than usual and that I don't actually move on as easily as some other people. I might have put on a straight and brave face amongst my friend and family but seriously I am never in control. I still misses her and the fact remains that I still love her. I know that this is impossible but it still hurt like hell. I am holding on with the believe that time will heal my fragile heart and I would learn to believe in love and to fall in this improbable word once again.

6.8.2005

Saturday, my off day, the day where I am supposed to cram all I wanted to do and has missed doing over the long weekday in less than 18 hours! The night before where I was supposed to hve gone for movie with my friend, I actually opted to go out with a drug representative to one of the nightspots but at the very last moment, it was cancelled. I was then too late to watch the movie with my friend so I had an early night. I woke up at 9.30 in the morning of Saturday and I went out to get the papers and after reading it I went out with my sister to one of the wet market to have our brunch. It was a nice bowl of laksa and after that I went for long walk, first to buy some DVDs and then I walked all the way into The KL Convention Centre. I was a really long walk, along the way I reckon I was moving at a much faster pace as compared with people that are driving. I think with the amount of cars on the road and the worsening traffic condition, it's not a bad idea to walk but recently the air index is worsening and the haze that is originating from Indonesion is making it's yearly rounds here yet again. It has been like a yearly ritual and the funny thing is that nothing seems to be done to prevent this.

While I was in the convention centre I noticed throng of people trying to get into the exhibition hall and my, the people are like jam packed and sandwitched. I wonder if any females has their modesty outraged as I reckon it's easy to take advantage of this situation, perhaps places like this is the shangrila for the pickpockets? I naturally take extreme care of my things and finally manage to locate my sister and after a few minutes I decided to get away from this congested place and make my way to the Twin Towers, which incidently used to be the tallest building in the world at one time, but this distinct repute has been held for mere few months. If memory serves me right, this has been claimed by the new building in Taiwan, called Taiwan 101 tower. I went and walked around in the shopping area and was looking at some plasma tvs and the flat screen tvs. I think when my condo is ready, I will eventually get one. I noticed that the prices has actually dwindled abit and probably in a few more years, it would be even cheaper.

I walked back home and my legs are aching. I reached home by 3.30pm and managed to catch a nap only to be disturbed by my sister in the convention centre, she asked me to be on medical standby and I declined. I think being my only off day, I should relax and do the things that I want to do without anything holding me back. I went for a jog at 5pm and it was a shorter jog of round 6 kms and I was panting and tiring much faster than normal. I think the long walk has actually taken some "wind" from me. All in all I thoroughly enjoyed my jog and even had time to do some abdominal crunch, and some pectoral exercises. I think my weight now is even lower than 64kgs, I think I will maintain this weight from now on and not loose too much. It makes me look sickly eventhough I feel much better thin rather than fat.

I went for my movie with my friend at 9 pm, the movie is entitled "7 Swords" which is an adaptation from a popular chinese martial arts legend about a group of swordsman that has quit the world of martial arts and the new dynasty's agenda of purging any of the populace that is skilled in martial arts. The new regime has gone to the extend of killing the young and the innocent and it was the reason whythe 7 decide to retaliate with the full blessing of their mentor. Not a good watch considering it's a 2 and half hour movie as I think the goverment censorship has done it's job once again to censor indescriminately! It was supposed to be a 4 hour movie. It's like buchering an artistic work. I wonder when will be the time when we as adults can enjoy movies that aren't buchered indescriminately? I don't know if I will live to see the day.

I had my dinner at 12midnight after the movie and subsequently went back home to sleep. I had problem sleeping once again probably due to the fact that I am still pretty stuffed up with food. I bet tomorrow would be a real grind for me. Just hope that I would at least slog it through tomorrow and go back home to catch 40 winks earlier.

5.8.2005

Friday, the 5th day of the eight month. Today is the eve of my day off and I don't think I would be busy. I wonder why time flies so much faster these past few months. Perhaps it's because of the fact that i am working so long hours and hardly noticed my life passing me by. What can I do to get the upper hand? Perhaps I shouldn't work so hard? Perhaps I should think of something more worthwhile to spend my time in? Whatever it is, I am sure I would be much happier then.

I plan to go for a movie tonight and had actually made an appointment with my friend to watch "7 swords" and hopefully this is worthwhile to watse my time on it. According to the newspaper review on this movie, it doesn't looks like it's a good place to watse my time, but frankly there isn't anything better in the pipeline. So I guess it's this or nothing, better this then.

I will probably go to the Jazz festival in one of the night places tomorrow, and I have actually made arrangement with a new friend to meet him there. Perhaps I would actually unwind and relax amid the warm jazzy ambience? I don't know but I sure hope so. It would be also fun to get to know new people, people who is not closely associated with medicine and medical stuffs. I think my biggest problem is that i am too sheltered in my own personal comfort zone, which is my work and my business. I probably need to be more proactive to strive for something different. I reckon if I wasn't a bachelor or if I were to be still attached I would still be like what I used to be, complacent as well as resistant to change. I think breaking up actually jolt me to my senses that I need to be more active and more outgoing.

It's currently 5pm in the evening and I am still writing in my blog. There isn't any patient for quite sometime liao and hopefully towards the later part of the day I would be a little busier. She hadn't called me after trying to call me a couple of times yesterday morning. I think she probably wants to give me a hard time or probably disturb me again. I am wondering how is she now? Perhaps she is happy and is enjoying herself to the fullest? There isn't a long period of time that I don't think about her, but I am proud to add that I had thinking of her less as compared to the initial stages of the breakup. I am controlling myself and even as much and as hard as I am controlling, visual cue of her still occasionally pop into my mind. I think in this sense I am a difficult to understand. I find myself intrigued as well.

On a brighter note, I will be off work in a few hours time and I have decided to enjoy myself to the fullest this weekend. Perhaps I will go for a long walk and visit the Pc fair tomorrow morning? May there I could find something worthwhile for me to buy? Ipod should be a good idea, as in getting myself a digital camera. All these while I never had a camera of my own. I have bought one for my ex eventhough I don't own one, go figure! I have gotten her so many things that I lost count, the last being her flight ticket to NZ. That set me back like 2k.

4.8.2005

Time flies, it's coming towards the end of the week already! wow! at the rate and speed which it is passing, I am sure 24 hours in a day is hardly enough! It's thursday and I am looking forward to visiting the PC fair in their new venue in KLCC. Wonder how this place will pan out after years in the old venue in PWTC. I think this new place is much nicer and also more congenial to shop, least when we get overdosed from the IT stuffs, we could just pop into the adjacent shopping centre for a quick movie or some cool drinks. Hmm, I haven't been there for a long time already, might be good to at least go for a walk there.

After the outburst of yesterday's entry, I am feeling relieved today, I had a good night's sleep. Biz was really slow compared to other days maybe due to the fact that it was the begining of the month. I have to admit business has been rather stagnant over the past few months and it's mainly due to the slowing of the market as well as the inflation that the country is currently undergoing. I feel it is going to be a few more months before things improve a little.

When I woke up this morning, I noticed someone had actually called me a couple of times, from 4am till 5.30am. I actually don't know who had called me at this god forsaken hour in the morning, but I had some idea, and upon crosschecking I found that it was my ex. I reckon only she would want to call me so late or so early in the morning! I didn't call back as I reckon if it's important enough she will call me back. Perhaps its another round of profanities again? Who knows? She is as difficult to decipher as the enigma machine!

Anyway I am sticking to my promise of not contacting her and if she wants she would have to call me back. I reckon I at least have to keep to my word and maintain some semblance of intergrity. But seriously who would call at this time? Makes me wonder if she is in some kind of trouble and perhaps need my help, hmm, am getting worried again but then, I don't think I should volunteer any help unless asked for. I think offering in this case would makes it as though that I so eager to extend my assistance to her. I had already deleted all her contacts from my notebook, including her email addresses, the messengers as well as everything that I can think of, but I am still keeping her pics with me, I might be a bit silly in this sense and I can thoroughly identify with the stupidity of doing it, but memories is still there. Perhaps she had read my previous email to her and is wants to give me a hard time? Who knows? hmmm, I haven't written after sending her the birthday card. The one where I had tried to set up the meeting and which I may add, waited for more than 4 hours. I have kept to my end of the "bargain" and haven't initiate contact with her at all. Whatever it is, I have given my dues and have not wronged her at all.

Today is a thursday and there are some patients that comes on and off, not that many but at least there are some. I have his nagging feeling that I need to improve the existing facilities in my clinic, and naturally an xray machine comes into my mind. I think it would do my practice lots of good if I were to opt to purchase an xray machine. At least I can earn from the never ending foreign worker's medical checkup, but as it is, there are loads of extra expenditure associated with buying one and the maintenence is really very costly. Still considering though, perhaps this is the next thing that I could occupy my mind in, rather than the crummy relationship issues? Hmmm, ..... I wonder?

Well I have been trying to set up a get together with the people of the Real estate forum and I think it would be a welcome change in the circle of people that I mix around with. Perhaps when I do move on to other things, it would be good too as people like this have loads of knowledge in business stuffs. I have a friend who happens to be a Vice President in one of the foreign banks and he has actually given me a lot of pointers in how to invest as well as how to manage my funds more effectively. I had given it a lot of thoughts and is in the process of drafting a plan that I reckon would give my finances a boost! Hopefully with a plan and loads of luck, I will be able to semi retire when I reach 40.

What do I plan to do tomorrow? Hmm, I might perhaps go and watch a movie, and the one that I wanted to watch the most is naturally 7 swords, a visual fest and probably non cerebral which fits into my plans perfectly well. Not in the mood for movies that takes up lots of my grey matter! haha. Sometimes no brainer movies has its virtues too, I reckon. On saturday I will need to visit the computer fair, I am interested to get myself a new ipod colour, which I know is a bit costly and I think I should splurge some monies on myself rather than safe it to use it on some other people. I need some luxury in life as well, pamper my tired soul. I think an ipod would be good for me when I go for long long jogs! Males are such suckers for technology!

3.8.2005

Another day is ending, and I am still sitting here waiting for good things to come my way. I wonder if after a few years down the line, would I still have to sit here the whole day? I feel so fed up and tired with my job. Why is it that doctors doesn't need any rest? No quality time to spend with their love ones and without a life? Why am I doing this? To secure a better future for me and my loved ones? At the rate I'm going I find it next to impossible to find someone for me to love and who loves me in return. Then why should I work for a future that is not even there? I should have grab one from along the road! haha. But seriously I was thinking that I should have just ended up with my ex and then by then it would probably be much different. I would be perhaps happier or miserable now, who knows? Things would be totally different. Maybe I wouldn't be even here, I would have probably worked overseas then? Have anyone stop to wonder about what if? I feel like someone who are trained to heal, to listen to people's grouses and inccesant complains, but I wonder who would heal my wounds? Who would listen to me? Listen to an old man voicing his frustration and his complains? I felt totally drained with my life, totally spent, totally used up! what can I do?

My life has been devoid of action, devoid of fun, devoid of excitement, devoid of relaxation and most importantly devoid of love, I wonder how long would I be in the same situation before I finally break down? I really wonder. What makes it so much worst is when I don't even have anyone that I can express my thought and feelings to., It used to be my ex, and she did her part by at least listening albeit complaining as well! Hahaha. I am looking forward when I can take no more of this crap and then I might just quit and not do anything. I reckon it is my karma and the bad things that I might have done during my last life. Frankly I do regret about the outcome of my love life. Why is it that someone like me doesn't have any luck in ........everything? When I was a student, I studied very hard but I haven't been offered a place to study something that I like, I work very hard but without any financial reward what so ever, I love my ex so much but it's still ends with break up and separation. What is wrong with me? What can a mortal like me do to better the situation? I can't think of anything. Perhaps I need to just drop everything and start all over again? Obviously this is not working for me. I feel tired, with lost of any interests in my surroundings, perhaps what I am feeling is a culmination of all the factors, the mountain of stress that I am undergoing, the ups and downs of work, the failure of relationships, health and everything that is surrounding me seems to be a constantly negative. Nothing seems to be going right for me, I have been very patient until now, I have been contantly striving and working hard to achieve success which I may add is eluding me. Success in business, in relationship and life, it has so far eluded me. I wonder when all this is going to turn positive for me? I reall really wonder.

2.8.2005

Tuesday, and I've started watching Lord of The Rings yet again! I reckon I must be nuts! I spend the bulk of my time watching dvds, surfing the net and occasionally see patients. What a dull and boring life. I know. I haven't had many patient today having the bulk of them on Sunday and last night. While closing for the day for monday night, a few patient came and I had to close later than normal. Well making money is not at all easy.

For the main bulk to tuesday, it was a quiet as it can get. Occasionally some patient will trickle in to come and see me and I spend time chatting and watching reruns of LOTRs, have managed to watch 2 parts of the trilogy without being disturbed at all. I wonder if working long hours like this is even worth it? Too many variables, too competitive as well as not enough financial rewards. I wonder what makes me take the plunge of going private last time? If I were to be working now in the hospital, I would have more time, less work and less amount of stress. Furthermore I would be with a family by now, sigh**.

Something keeps popping into my mind, I have this nagging feeling of continuing my studies and at least work elsewhere. I am putting everything on hold with the hope of becoming succesful in my practice, I think I would give myself another 2 years. If I am still keeping afloat and only managing to break even, I reckon I would quit and move on to work overseas. It has always been my ambition and dream to work and settle down somewhere away from here. I never liked it here and I reckon the opportunity has become dimmer for us in our own country. My biggest concern last time was my mum, but the recent string of events, I think there is nothing that we can humanly do to change the outcome. I will have to just follow the flow.

I have been trying to keep my mind away from thinking about my ex but immersing myself in work and other things to distract me. As much as I want to say otherwise, I am still mentally bounded by her memories in me. I am begining to wonder why I am so affected by this split up. I mean I am the one that wanted and opted out from this but the memories of the good things that we had actually makes the process of forgetting even more difficult. The truth is that I always used to feel that she has not been truthful to me and fact is that she isn't. There are things that I believe she had done behind my back and she is infact not sincere in her feelings towards me. That was what I totally believed in last time and I still do, but the problem arises when the only visual and mental memories now that I have is how well she treated me? Can this be even possible? I am wondering why can things like this happen. I am actually blaming myself for not being able to provide for her, by not showering her with enough attention, love and affection. Maybe I have problems expressing myself? Perhaps I have reservations about intimate contacts in public? I don't know. I love physical contact, just that I am totally uncomfortable with having to show affection on the open. Perhaps this is what age does to u?

My biggest problem is that everything I come in contact is have her memories in it. From the basic of things like my personal belongings, I am constantly circled by "our"stuffs and this has invariably makes forgetting her even more challenging. I have no doubt in my mind that I will forget her, the biggest question is WHEN? If it comes sooner, it would be much better for me. I am just afraid that it would drag on and on until I will no longer be interested in developing another relationship anymore. Is this even my fault? Well I reckon she might be having a good time now and has totally moved on, which is why I always suspect her for not being sincere towards me. Maybe it's her age and she needs excitement which I may add, I cannot give to her. It's like a time bomb waiting to explode last time. I always have the opinion that she will leave me and it would be better for me and her that I made it earlier rather than when we were already married. In that time, things would be even more disastrous. I wanted her to actually grow up and mature a bit more, after having had her "fun" and her ways before she can settle down and it was my way of wanting to be sure. I think if she can settle down and be more matured and know what she actually wants, we would be the best couple that I can think off. She obviously isn't settled and is neither ready for serious commitments. I wonder if I am too?

31.7.2005 & 1.8.2005

Just thought I'd write about Sunday and monday as well. Sunday was a day of work, woke up early and felt a bit tired as I slept late the night before. Had a quick shower and prep myself up and drove straight to work, while on my way, one of my patient already called my mobile to enquire if I am opening. I reached the clinic subsequently after telling him and commence to do a blood test for him and his wife. A very thoughtful and nice couple. I am glad that there are still people that are genuinely concerned about you, without the fakeness and the diplomacy that is shrouding the newer and younger generation. Ah well, today is a busy day and I had an accident case and I end having to deal with a lot of bloody procedures today. Business is good and I reckon monday would be a bit slow. Read in my favourite real estate forum and can sense some tussle among some of the forumers, cannot avoid being embroilled in some heated discussion in the forum as I find some people devoid of compassion and sensitivity. I have to voice my opinion. Went back home and after bathing I jump into bed. Am very tired and is aching all over my body. I think the tennis is actually too streneous for me. Maybe I should switch to golf? haha, an old man's game!

Woke up to a bright and sunny day, the first day of the month as well as the first day of the week. as it is I slept pretty early and inspite of this , I am still feeling a bit run down. Perhaps I am not young anymore and the time I take to recover is longer as compared to last time? Hmmm, aging is something which is inevitable but yet I still feel sad! anyway reminded myself to not feel blue and sorry most of the time and look towards a brighter and better days ahead! reached the clinic and read something in the papers. The usual things, bombing in London, Iraq, South Thailand, on yeah, the petrol has increased prices again! I reckon it's the second time in as many months it has increased and I do wonder when is it going to end? Beats the hell out of an average salaried person with a fix income. I actually do wonder how the heck do they survive?

As it is, if u remember there is something brewing in the forum and I am totally pissed with some new members. If I am right, I think they are acting on behalf of the developers and it's both unscruptulous and discriminatory. Anyway I think there are tons of people like this around and if we stood to their levels, it would be low in my part!

Business today as anticipated, is not good. But then again yesterday's good day has sort of offset today's day performance. Am looking forward to a well earned rest tonight and hopefully my body will feel much better by tomorrow.

Am I still thinking about her? I am actually. I reckon I am a person who doesn't forget easily but am moving on, although at a very slow pace. In time, I will conpletely rid her from my system and it would be really light at the end of the tunnel, which is btw, growing brighter by the day.