14.8.2005
Sunday, a day of relaxation and rejuvenation for many people but the first day of work for me, I haven't had any sleep the night before, as I had mentioned in my previous posting, reached home pretty late the night before. I was unable sleep maybe due to the presence of things on my mind. I could feel my thoughts shuffling around my ex and pass experiences. Some good and some bad. I don't know if I am actually sleeping but it sure felt like my mind was light years away from my body. It could transcend the barrier of time, the power of an hyperactive mind!
As in any Sunday I woke up feeling dreary and apprehensive about having to work 14 hours yet again! This is "Monday" blues for me and I am positively tired of the whole grind all over again. When people starts having blues on Mondays, I reckon mine will be ealier by a day. My god, I work twice as long as other people but earns far less than a lot of them in terms hourly wages. I am feeling exhausted and lack concentration and this is invariably due to my insomnia. I think being trained as a doctor, I have had enough of "practise" and could at most time go without sleep for a few days. I think this is something that most doctors would have undergone during our stint as house officers or interns. This is the reason why, many doctors cannot function socially and tend to settle down with the people of the same profession as well as nurses. I find all these pretty daunting. I don't want to end up like most of the doctors and I would prefer to find someone who is not intimately connected to medicine. I reckon with both having the same profession, it would be a bane and a setback to a successful relationship, what would we converse and communicate about? Patients and lastest discovery in modern medicine? Totally boring!
Business today is not bad, the haze that has blanketed most parts of the country are virtually gone and even when I am tired, I'd still treat my patients with the appropriate level of care. I think this cannot be compromised even with any excuse. Tired or not, infirmed or not, we still have to be mentally and physically capable to give our all and not expend substandard care.
I am still having a lot of flashbacks about my ex and the weird thing is that all the flashbacks are the good ones. Whatever happen to all the lousy and bad things that has happen so frequently last time when I was still with her? I find this fascinatingly inappropriate. Is it common for people to retain only the good memories and thus excluding the bad ones? Maybe subconsiously I want only good memory to be retained and it has sort of becoming more and more prominent in my mind. What should I do? At the rate that I am going, it would be a wonder what I wouldn't be ruined emotionally. I think I am up for a long break from my routine, which is totally justifiable. Maybe get to some place to forget everything? I think I will do just that, maybe in a few more weeks but at the meantime I will have to soldier on and be mentally strong, I hope I can. Weird isn't it? I claim to be mentally strong but here I am thinking about my past. Thinking about bygone things are something that I cannot control, images are lingering vividly in my mind, if I wasn't psyche up mentally, I would have gone bonkers by now. I know this is something that I can overcome but it seems that I am taking far longer than I initially believed. I think she has actually cast a wider net on my feelings that I previously thought she had, I reckon I totally miscalculated my feelings and my love for her. It's not easy loving someone and instictively know that the person is so wrong for you, I have the distinction of having this experience.
Is she such a bad person? I honestly don't think so, on the contrary, she is a very nice person. But at times her actions beguiles what a nice person should do. For instance she would randomly call friends and female acquaintances of mine and give them verbal lashings. I could understand the actions that she takes. I thoroughly believes thats she is not confident with herself and with me. Maybe I haven't been doing my part of allaying her anxiety and fears? It's just that somethings happen to her that shouldn't happen to anyone. She is a victim in this sense. She has been hurt pretty bad by her previous relationships. I wonder if it has taken an emotional toll on her? I reckon it must have, else what can explain her behaviour? I am still hopeful that she will have a good and productive life, and with time I hope that she will be more matured and different from when she was with me. At least I hope that she will have more confidence in herself and in her man. I am also hoping that she will eventually come back to me and yes I am still hopeful. I think this has the markings of a great relationship apart from the the flaw that we both have. Am I totally nuts to wait for her? I am not sure about the answer right now althought it may seem that I am.
Then why did I end that relationship since I am so in love with her? I am a sagitarian and as all sagitarians, we have certain tendencies. I absolutely thrive in my freedom, to do what I like and to have my own personal space. I find this freedom and space diminishing and she has been crowding my personal space. She is a Leo and the whole world should revolve around her. I understand all these horoscopic studies are farcical but at times when u look at it hard enough, the traits are difficult to miss. I am unable to come to terms with her temperament and I wanted her to re-evaluate our relationship and to trust our love for each other and not act paranoid. I am an individual person and I enjoy having many friends. I reckon if my decision to cool things off with her is a wrong one? Perhaps many things doesn't go according to plans? I might have totally misjudged this. The price I pay for freedom is too much to bear and I think I have to just swallow my feelings and move on. I hope and pray that she will be happy now. I know I have erred and hope that she understand my position. Hopefully in time if fate has a way, we might be together again.
As in any Sunday I woke up feeling dreary and apprehensive about having to work 14 hours yet again! This is "Monday" blues for me and I am positively tired of the whole grind all over again. When people starts having blues on Mondays, I reckon mine will be ealier by a day. My god, I work twice as long as other people but earns far less than a lot of them in terms hourly wages. I am feeling exhausted and lack concentration and this is invariably due to my insomnia. I think being trained as a doctor, I have had enough of "practise" and could at most time go without sleep for a few days. I think this is something that most doctors would have undergone during our stint as house officers or interns. This is the reason why, many doctors cannot function socially and tend to settle down with the people of the same profession as well as nurses. I find all these pretty daunting. I don't want to end up like most of the doctors and I would prefer to find someone who is not intimately connected to medicine. I reckon with both having the same profession, it would be a bane and a setback to a successful relationship, what would we converse and communicate about? Patients and lastest discovery in modern medicine? Totally boring!
Business today is not bad, the haze that has blanketed most parts of the country are virtually gone and even when I am tired, I'd still treat my patients with the appropriate level of care. I think this cannot be compromised even with any excuse. Tired or not, infirmed or not, we still have to be mentally and physically capable to give our all and not expend substandard care.
I am still having a lot of flashbacks about my ex and the weird thing is that all the flashbacks are the good ones. Whatever happen to all the lousy and bad things that has happen so frequently last time when I was still with her? I find this fascinatingly inappropriate. Is it common for people to retain only the good memories and thus excluding the bad ones? Maybe subconsiously I want only good memory to be retained and it has sort of becoming more and more prominent in my mind. What should I do? At the rate that I am going, it would be a wonder what I wouldn't be ruined emotionally. I think I am up for a long break from my routine, which is totally justifiable. Maybe get to some place to forget everything? I think I will do just that, maybe in a few more weeks but at the meantime I will have to soldier on and be mentally strong, I hope I can. Weird isn't it? I claim to be mentally strong but here I am thinking about my past. Thinking about bygone things are something that I cannot control, images are lingering vividly in my mind, if I wasn't psyche up mentally, I would have gone bonkers by now. I know this is something that I can overcome but it seems that I am taking far longer than I initially believed. I think she has actually cast a wider net on my feelings that I previously thought she had, I reckon I totally miscalculated my feelings and my love for her. It's not easy loving someone and instictively know that the person is so wrong for you, I have the distinction of having this experience.
Is she such a bad person? I honestly don't think so, on the contrary, she is a very nice person. But at times her actions beguiles what a nice person should do. For instance she would randomly call friends and female acquaintances of mine and give them verbal lashings. I could understand the actions that she takes. I thoroughly believes thats she is not confident with herself and with me. Maybe I haven't been doing my part of allaying her anxiety and fears? It's just that somethings happen to her that shouldn't happen to anyone. She is a victim in this sense. She has been hurt pretty bad by her previous relationships. I wonder if it has taken an emotional toll on her? I reckon it must have, else what can explain her behaviour? I am still hopeful that she will have a good and productive life, and with time I hope that she will be more matured and different from when she was with me. At least I hope that she will have more confidence in herself and in her man. I am also hoping that she will eventually come back to me and yes I am still hopeful. I think this has the markings of a great relationship apart from the the flaw that we both have. Am I totally nuts to wait for her? I am not sure about the answer right now althought it may seem that I am.
Then why did I end that relationship since I am so in love with her? I am a sagitarian and as all sagitarians, we have certain tendencies. I absolutely thrive in my freedom, to do what I like and to have my own personal space. I find this freedom and space diminishing and she has been crowding my personal space. She is a Leo and the whole world should revolve around her. I understand all these horoscopic studies are farcical but at times when u look at it hard enough, the traits are difficult to miss. I am unable to come to terms with her temperament and I wanted her to re-evaluate our relationship and to trust our love for each other and not act paranoid. I am an individual person and I enjoy having many friends. I reckon if my decision to cool things off with her is a wrong one? Perhaps many things doesn't go according to plans? I might have totally misjudged this. The price I pay for freedom is too much to bear and I think I have to just swallow my feelings and move on. I hope and pray that she will be happy now. I know I have erred and hope that she understand my position. Hopefully in time if fate has a way, we might be together again.
posted by mercuri2000 at
2:15 PM
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