2.8.2005
Tuesday, and I've started watching Lord of The Rings yet again! I reckon I must be nuts! I spend the bulk of my time watching dvds, surfing the net and occasionally see patients. What a dull and boring life. I know. I haven't had many patient today having the bulk of them on Sunday and last night. While closing for the day for monday night, a few patient came and I had to close later than normal. Well making money is not at all easy.
For the main bulk to tuesday, it was a quiet as it can get. Occasionally some patient will trickle in to come and see me and I spend time chatting and watching reruns of LOTRs, have managed to watch 2 parts of the trilogy without being disturbed at all. I wonder if working long hours like this is even worth it? Too many variables, too competitive as well as not enough financial rewards. I wonder what makes me take the plunge of going private last time? If I were to be working now in the hospital, I would have more time, less work and less amount of stress. Furthermore I would be with a family by now, sigh**.
Something keeps popping into my mind, I have this nagging feeling of continuing my studies and at least work elsewhere. I am putting everything on hold with the hope of becoming succesful in my practice, I think I would give myself another 2 years. If I am still keeping afloat and only managing to break even, I reckon I would quit and move on to work overseas. It has always been my ambition and dream to work and settle down somewhere away from here. I never liked it here and I reckon the opportunity has become dimmer for us in our own country. My biggest concern last time was my mum, but the recent string of events, I think there is nothing that we can humanly do to change the outcome. I will have to just follow the flow.
I have been trying to keep my mind away from thinking about my ex but immersing myself in work and other things to distract me. As much as I want to say otherwise, I am still mentally bounded by her memories in me. I am begining to wonder why I am so affected by this split up. I mean I am the one that wanted and opted out from this but the memories of the good things that we had actually makes the process of forgetting even more difficult. The truth is that I always used to feel that she has not been truthful to me and fact is that she isn't. There are things that I believe she had done behind my back and she is infact not sincere in her feelings towards me. That was what I totally believed in last time and I still do, but the problem arises when the only visual and mental memories now that I have is how well she treated me? Can this be even possible? I am wondering why can things like this happen. I am actually blaming myself for not being able to provide for her, by not showering her with enough attention, love and affection. Maybe I have problems expressing myself? Perhaps I have reservations about intimate contacts in public? I don't know. I love physical contact, just that I am totally uncomfortable with having to show affection on the open. Perhaps this is what age does to u?
My biggest problem is that everything I come in contact is have her memories in it. From the basic of things like my personal belongings, I am constantly circled by "our"stuffs and this has invariably makes forgetting her even more challenging. I have no doubt in my mind that I will forget her, the biggest question is WHEN? If it comes sooner, it would be much better for me. I am just afraid that it would drag on and on until I will no longer be interested in developing another relationship anymore. Is this even my fault? Well I reckon she might be having a good time now and has totally moved on, which is why I always suspect her for not being sincere towards me. Maybe it's her age and she needs excitement which I may add, I cannot give to her. It's like a time bomb waiting to explode last time. I always have the opinion that she will leave me and it would be better for me and her that I made it earlier rather than when we were already married. In that time, things would be even more disastrous. I wanted her to actually grow up and mature a bit more, after having had her "fun" and her ways before she can settle down and it was my way of wanting to be sure. I think if she can settle down and be more matured and know what she actually wants, we would be the best couple that I can think off. She obviously isn't settled and is neither ready for serious commitments. I wonder if I am too?
For the main bulk to tuesday, it was a quiet as it can get. Occasionally some patient will trickle in to come and see me and I spend time chatting and watching reruns of LOTRs, have managed to watch 2 parts of the trilogy without being disturbed at all. I wonder if working long hours like this is even worth it? Too many variables, too competitive as well as not enough financial rewards. I wonder what makes me take the plunge of going private last time? If I were to be working now in the hospital, I would have more time, less work and less amount of stress. Furthermore I would be with a family by now, sigh**.
Something keeps popping into my mind, I have this nagging feeling of continuing my studies and at least work elsewhere. I am putting everything on hold with the hope of becoming succesful in my practice, I think I would give myself another 2 years. If I am still keeping afloat and only managing to break even, I reckon I would quit and move on to work overseas. It has always been my ambition and dream to work and settle down somewhere away from here. I never liked it here and I reckon the opportunity has become dimmer for us in our own country. My biggest concern last time was my mum, but the recent string of events, I think there is nothing that we can humanly do to change the outcome. I will have to just follow the flow.
I have been trying to keep my mind away from thinking about my ex but immersing myself in work and other things to distract me. As much as I want to say otherwise, I am still mentally bounded by her memories in me. I am begining to wonder why I am so affected by this split up. I mean I am the one that wanted and opted out from this but the memories of the good things that we had actually makes the process of forgetting even more difficult. The truth is that I always used to feel that she has not been truthful to me and fact is that she isn't. There are things that I believe she had done behind my back and she is infact not sincere in her feelings towards me. That was what I totally believed in last time and I still do, but the problem arises when the only visual and mental memories now that I have is how well she treated me? Can this be even possible? I am wondering why can things like this happen. I am actually blaming myself for not being able to provide for her, by not showering her with enough attention, love and affection. Maybe I have problems expressing myself? Perhaps I have reservations about intimate contacts in public? I don't know. I love physical contact, just that I am totally uncomfortable with having to show affection on the open. Perhaps this is what age does to u?
My biggest problem is that everything I come in contact is have her memories in it. From the basic of things like my personal belongings, I am constantly circled by "our"stuffs and this has invariably makes forgetting her even more challenging. I have no doubt in my mind that I will forget her, the biggest question is WHEN? If it comes sooner, it would be much better for me. I am just afraid that it would drag on and on until I will no longer be interested in developing another relationship anymore. Is this even my fault? Well I reckon she might be having a good time now and has totally moved on, which is why I always suspect her for not being sincere towards me. Maybe it's her age and she needs excitement which I may add, I cannot give to her. It's like a time bomb waiting to explode last time. I always have the opinion that she will leave me and it would be better for me and her that I made it earlier rather than when we were already married. In that time, things would be even more disastrous. I wanted her to actually grow up and mature a bit more, after having had her "fun" and her ways before she can settle down and it was my way of wanting to be sure. I think if she can settle down and be more matured and know what she actually wants, we would be the best couple that I can think off. She obviously isn't settled and is neither ready for serious commitments. I wonder if I am too?
posted by mercuri2000 at
1:01 PM
1 Comments:
I think everyone wants something positive in their lives. I am one of those people. As it is, many things has happen with a sequence of events that it's humanly impossible to change. I emphatize with you in the sense that u had it worst than me, being married and such and also changing the very fabric of ur sexual orientation. I cannot imagine competing with u in this sense.
I am of the opinion that whatever happen to me and my ex is for the better. But being made from flesh and blood, there are times when I feel so lonely until doubts keeps resurfacing and if I had given my best shot? This self doubt and query are what that's continously bugging me. I totally agree that in a relationship, what's important is to give and take, but would it still be a relationship when it's all take and no give in the other side?
By
mercuri2000, at August 04, 2005 11:11 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home