19.8.2005

My oh my, time really flies and I'm here again, writing my never ending grouses in this blog of mine. I take this as my online diary, a sounding board for my daily experience with some retrospect thoughts and feelings. It has been more than a month that I have been nonsensically writing on this place. I am no creative genious nor a writer but my jottings are my own unique experiences and my inner feelings.

It's a Friday again and I am looking forward to my rest day. I have been working for the past 6 days and it's time again for my off day. I find all this very clockwork and very "monotonous" and I wonder if my life will be like this henceforth? I just want something out of the ordinary to fill my time and my life, maybe it's because of that, I've bought an xray machine? I even went to the extend of looking up the website for MSF, so as I would know what are the actual requirements in order to be a volunteer. Am I so wasted? Haven't I any purpose in life?

I had the audacity to look up my ex's homepage to see how are things with her. I feel like a lost puppy, a pathetic soul, with an aim nor an idea what did I check on her homepage for? I noticed she had put up a new pic of herself there and I can't stop but noticed that eventhough she is smiling, she doesn't appear to look happy. Why is that so? am I to blame? I also noticed that she looks haggard, but mind u, she isn't half as haggard as I am. I reckon I've aged so much over this period that I am now being called an uncle! Ya fat chance, some of my patients are around my age and calling me uncle, how cheap is that?

I couldn't help but feel responsible for what happen to my ex if she were to take the wrong turn and destroy her life. I know I have no obligation to think like that, but some how being so close to the person last time makes me feel guilty. Perhaps it was my destiny to be ther precursor of her problems? I am sickly sure that she is definately with the wrong crowd and I felt that it's because of me as an antecedent. I am as lost in this. I also felt sick when I saw her pictures, not because of anything, merely because of the fact that I still love her. I felt nauseous when images of her with someone keeps flashing on my mind, damn, it hurts. But what can I do, I had ran out of options and even initiating contact is a bane to her. I could never think of me being a nuisance towards her. I reckon I might be if I continue pestering her with concerns, some times peopl needs to make mistakes in order to be helped. I just pray that she wouldn't make any.