3.8.2005

Another day is ending, and I am still sitting here waiting for good things to come my way. I wonder if after a few years down the line, would I still have to sit here the whole day? I feel so fed up and tired with my job. Why is it that doctors doesn't need any rest? No quality time to spend with their love ones and without a life? Why am I doing this? To secure a better future for me and my loved ones? At the rate I'm going I find it next to impossible to find someone for me to love and who loves me in return. Then why should I work for a future that is not even there? I should have grab one from along the road! haha. But seriously I was thinking that I should have just ended up with my ex and then by then it would probably be much different. I would be perhaps happier or miserable now, who knows? Things would be totally different. Maybe I wouldn't be even here, I would have probably worked overseas then? Have anyone stop to wonder about what if? I feel like someone who are trained to heal, to listen to people's grouses and inccesant complains, but I wonder who would heal my wounds? Who would listen to me? Listen to an old man voicing his frustration and his complains? I felt totally drained with my life, totally spent, totally used up! what can I do?

My life has been devoid of action, devoid of fun, devoid of excitement, devoid of relaxation and most importantly devoid of love, I wonder how long would I be in the same situation before I finally break down? I really wonder. What makes it so much worst is when I don't even have anyone that I can express my thought and feelings to., It used to be my ex, and she did her part by at least listening albeit complaining as well! Hahaha. I am looking forward when I can take no more of this crap and then I might just quit and not do anything. I reckon it is my karma and the bad things that I might have done during my last life. Frankly I do regret about the outcome of my love life. Why is it that someone like me doesn't have any luck in ........everything? When I was a student, I studied very hard but I haven't been offered a place to study something that I like, I work very hard but without any financial reward what so ever, I love my ex so much but it's still ends with break up and separation. What is wrong with me? What can a mortal like me do to better the situation? I can't think of anything. Perhaps I need to just drop everything and start all over again? Obviously this is not working for me. I feel tired, with lost of any interests in my surroundings, perhaps what I am feeling is a culmination of all the factors, the mountain of stress that I am undergoing, the ups and downs of work, the failure of relationships, health and everything that is surrounding me seems to be a constantly negative. Nothing seems to be going right for me, I have been very patient until now, I have been contantly striving and working hard to achieve success which I may add is eluding me. Success in business, in relationship and life, it has so far eluded me. I wonder when all this is going to turn positive for me? I reall really wonder.