30.6.2005

Today is the last day of the month and I am here again writing my thought and my feelings in this electronic diary. What else is new? We have pass the halfway mark on 2005. It sort of make me reflect on what have I actually achieve halfway through the year.

Well I reckon the most obvious thing would be my mum's sickness and my breakup my girlfriend, funny but the latter is actually taking more space in my crummy little brain. I know, I am becoming more and more irritating, I do feel it myself but I can't help it as well. Am just trying to get through this year and hopefully I will move on.

As it is, yesterday was a really bad day in terms of business. I am unsure as to why these has happen, but luckily today is different. I don't have a lot time to chat and to write in my blog, business is okay, not that busy but at least there is some amount of human traffic and it has sort out lighten my mood a bit. I wonder if I am becoming a moody person after all the things that has happen in my life? I definately hope not.

Well it'll be weekend the day after tomorrow, I am looking forward to this and at least can have some well deserved rest. I am unable to sleep and as such spend my time last night watching a Hindi movie and it was nice. I have been studying in India for 6 years and I haven't had the oppertunity to watch a single Indian movie, it's funny when u start watching it after leaving the country for so many years. It Hindi movie is about love and it's so very touching and I had tears welling up in my eyes. I wonder if I am becoming soft? Maybe when I see people in love I tend to think about the pathetic situation that I am in. I feel after this episode in my life, I will hopefully be hardened and not affected so easily. I was hardened last time but maybe this relationship of mine has sort of let me let go of my guard. I need to move on, I know.

I think having a person I fancy now will be the best possible solution to my predicament. If I am involved it would be a selfish and detrimental towards the other party as I might be on the rebound, it is because of this I am not in the mood to actually look for any.

I hope to be able to start meeting someone soon. I hope this time it will be a fruitful relationship that can advance right up to the finish line. I reckon I need to work doubly hard for this to be a reality.

My friend from Melbourne told me something on her mail, she would have to go for elective ceaserean section as her baby's lie is still not stable. I pray that it will be better when her pregnancy nears term. I know that her doctors will be more than competent to decide what is best for her! My prayers and well wishes goes to her and her husband, Brian.

29.6.2004

Today is Wednesday, the 29th June 2005, it will go down in my annals as one of the worst days of my practice. It's been 12 hours since I pull up the louvers of my clinic, till now, I have accumulated a measly $82! and only see maybe 3 patients! It is by far one of the worst collection to date, the numero uno goes to the day that I collected ziltch, zero, no money!

At this jucture I am in no doubt feeling aghast with what I have, or don't have, at my age of 35, I have no money, not doing well career wise, no other half, no one to love! How bad can my day get? I do wonder! But having gone through so much in life, I reckon this is but another test, I just hope that I would survive through all these.

I need to go back home on the afternoon to reinsert the catheter for my mother. As it is, she has inadvertently pull out the tube by herself. I wonder if the tube is actually irritating her and I had given her a course of antibiotics to cover any infections that may be habouring in it. I just hope what I am doing is in the best interest for my mum.

On a brighter note, someone that I was chatting with actually asked for my number and she called me. She sounds like a pretty nice person, and it was actually fun talking to her. I reckon it sort of take my mind out of my predicament. She is attached btw and it is just to get to know people. I reckon with this I might actually increase my circle of friends which at least helps for my emotional rehabilitation.

I am tired, feel so emotionally drained. I reckon the best thing that could happen to me is for me to drop everything and take a long deserved vacation. I know I have moral obligation to stay and make my practice work not to mention I have to stay back to take care of my mother.

28.6.2005

I miss writing the blog yesterday, too much and too busy having to settle some outstanding issues surrounding my practice and my family. But here I am, again, writing what naturally cames into my mind. With enough practice I can even complete a full lenght book!

Hmm what happen yesterday, was pretty busy with around 18 patients, not bad for a weekday. Manage to squeeze sometime to take a drug representative friend to view the condo that I had purchased, everytime I visit the showroom and the sales office, I would be bound to hear something new about the development. I am wondering if the salespeople is actually trained and equipped with the neccesary information to disburse to the potential clients? I found out that the bricks that they used is not clay bricks but only the cheaper and inferior cement sand bricks, althought structurally this has no impact whatsoever, but I would think that it will be less good as compared to high temperature fired clay bricks, which means the wall would be less compact and tolerance to changes in weather and noise insulation will be substandard! There is nothing I can do as the Sales and Purchase agreement doesn't specify this. And yeah my installment for the condo will be starting in July, whis is being confirmed by the salesperson there.

I went home and visited my mum and she is fine, albeit a bit tired, it is good that she is resting, gives all of us a breather from the daily routine of having to keep an eye on her. Her pressure sores are all healing and we are happy that she is feeling comfortable and at least not in pain. Medically speaking, she will not be with us for long, but as it is we hope that she will be as comfortable and pain free as she can. We are actually striving for that.

Some patient who is supposedly close to me came and visited my clinic, one of them is the girl who is working in Singapore, pretty, brainy and smart too. I reckon a girl with her qualities are fast becoming scarce in my place. Most of them either is married or has gone overseas to work. I cannot explain it, but I did detect a sense of a change in her character after working in another country. She is less friendly, less talkative and less able to loosen up. I wonder if working in high pressured society and work enviroment actually "toughen" u up? I really wonder. I also think that a person like that is not what she appears to be and it's in my opinion that people like this tend to be a bit scary and am vary of that. Btw they ( the sisters) actually smoke in my room! and boy is that place filled with smoke. I had to use the exhaust fan to run it all night to get rid of the smoky smell. Needless to say the smell of smoke is still lingering in my place! I wonder why is that younger and younger people especially females smokes? I would not like my wife to be a smoker, it tatse bad especially when we kiss! yuck. My ex smokes and it was one of the reason that I had arguments with her, she wasn't and don't want to stop her habit.

I closed my clinic at 10pm and went for a small time tea with my friend. It is down to both of us now, we are both 35 and still single, he is attached with a gf for the past 10 years and is in no hurry to settle down, having a few other gfs as well along the way, notibly a Philipino girl. Anyway it isn't my concern but I can't stop thinking that some people have a special affinity for things like this. I don't and will not be one of those people. When I am with someone it will be for love and I will not be two timing. Never ever.

27.6.2005

Today is a Monday and like any other day the blues comes and goes. I woke up as per usual and started off for work. Business today is pretty bad and things looks to be maintaining over the day. It's tiring having to wait for patients to come, but alas that is what I can and am able to do. Number of patient so far today is less than 10, I wonder if it will continue to be like that? If it is, i would definately feel worst than this.

I wonder why love and hate is so closely wound together? I mean if I wholeheartedly loved someone even if it means having to break off, I would never bear an grudge nor hate the person I love. I wonder what inherent values a person keeps? Does it mean when 2 person that supposedly loved each other cannot be together, the next thing to do is to develop animosity and hate towards each other? I cannot bring myself to do that. Even if my loved ones do something bad to me, I will still love them. I still loved my ex even though she hates me. I think this character seperates us, it defines and delineates our characters. I think a person who acts that way is mentally unstable and totally immature. Well what do I know, I am no psychologist. I read an email today from my ex. She wrote some really horrible things about what I need to do and all those crap as I had tried to reconcile with her. Perhaps I was becoming soft in my stand? I need to be more firm and not even consider the fact that I had erred in coming into that fateful decision a few months ago. In all my neurons, I know that I had made the right choice, but my emotional states and feelings actually make me think that I might have rushed into a decision. But actually her actions basically made me feel better rather than habouring any ill will towards her, It actually cemented my believe and drive the final nail.

I hope years from now, I would look back at this day and laugh my head off as to why I did what I did. Well only time will tell. Perhaps a lesson need to be learnt from this latest setback. All in all, I reckon she is the one that is loosing out. I know for a fact that I had done no wrong towards her and she in turn had done things that IMHO beguile a commited partner in a steady relationship. But those things had passed and I hope I will be able to move on. She perhaps had found another person and is being treated well? I hope and pray that nice things would happen to her. I Would be extremely happy for her as well.

I hope and pray tomorrow would be another day for me, with bright and warm sun basking me in all it's glory. I hope and pray that I would breathe in and out and in turn arm myself to prepare for challenging things ahead of me. I hope and pray life would be much better from now onwards for me and the ones that loves me. I hope and pray that everyone will experience all the good things that I want in life, with me. I hope and pray.

26.6.2005

It's now nearing 7pm in the evening. I had as usual work for more than 10 hours already, it's especially tiring when I hadn't have much sleep yesterday. As it is I hardly slept yesterday due to the fact that I am developing some amount of sleep disorder. I used to have insomnia but it has virtually disappeared long time ago, only to resurface recently. It's all very tiring and I hope it would soon pass.

How many patients today? Hmm, perhaps in the vicinity of 15 to 18? Not too sure about the actual numbers though, I would prefer it to be more but knowing that the economy is not as desired I am nonetheless happy. Just hope and pray that it would maintain. I went out for a short visit to a shopping centre near my clinic, to buy a birthday card. As it is, my ex's birthday will be coming soon and I thought it would be appropriate to send her an anonymous card from me, the funny and most unusual thing is that I had chosen a card for her, but it resembles the one she sent to me while we celebrated my last birthday! OMG, I didn't actually realise it until I look into the card that she sent me. It is identical! I don't know whether I should send it to her or just let things be. It had been in my mind for a long time, but I suppose sending a not returning birthday card don't actually compromise my stand on this withered relationship. Just hope that she has a great and enjoyable birthday. Still think of her though, I think humans are a creature of habit, when we become too comfortable with our existence and surroundings, we don't want nor expects change, and according to a close friend of mind which I totally agree, change is but the most difficult part, when we actually make the initiative to carry that forward, all things will end. I hope she is right, am feeling miserable now.

It will be another few hours before I call it a day, as it happens, I too am too comfortable in my little existence until I lackthe desire to change what I am, it dawned upon to me that my ex wanted change and I was too recalcitrant to even consider changing. Perhaps this is my weakness, I wonder. I sometimes think that I might have erred in my judgement. But I need to stress that it has all but passed. Need to be bold and carry on with what I have decided.

I am looking for other ways to invest my hard earned money. I am planning to convert what I have into something more significant. As it is after commiting myself to my apartment, I am currently low in cash reserves. I hope this will change, as I am asking a close friend of mine that deals in machinery to invest my small portion of cash and make some amount of profit from there, Hopefully the returns will be higher than putting my money in fixed deposit.

I just saw an old lady with high blood pressure and it amaze me to think that people don't like taking medications even for such a grave problem. As is it her blood pressure is hovering around 200mmHg and it really a matter of time that her blood vessels gives way. I advised her accordingly and hopefully it will be less after the stat dose of antihypertensive medications. I find it difficult as usual to persuade her to continue with her medications. People as such loathe changes!

I tend to see a lot of paediatrics patient since this morning. I assume that is because of my rapport with the children, they initially is abit apprehensive when they walk it, but after a while they tend to warm up and play around with this. I reckon this is a very important prerequisite in a good doctor, am happy that I at least let some toddlers feel comfortable with me.

A women came with severe chest pain, I examined her and found that her blood pressure is high. On futher probing I extracted some family problems with her and this eventually led to free flowing of tears. Her problem basically originates from her anguish and anxiety. I at times feel for people like this, having to cope with so much stress and unhappiness. It makes me think that why are WE here? In a nutshell, everyone dies, no matter how rich and powerful we are. This is the cruel destiny all humans have to go through. I think we as humans need to treat each other civil and at least make the short transition of time we have on earth "enjoyable". Everything in existence is not permanent and transitionary. If everyone remembers this and play their part, society would be such a lovely place. Ah wishful thinking. I just wish and pray my transition here is not so unbearable.

25.6.2006

Well actually today is Sunday and I didn't actually have time nor the connection to post on my blog. It was my off day yesterday but I reckon even if I wrote what happen yesterday today, it basically doesn't make any difference. Not that anyone would actually read it apart from me. I slept until quite late yesterday and had lunch at home, one of the few days a year that I actually tasted home cook meals, nothing much to shout about anyway. I woke up pretty late as I reckon it is one of the days that I can actually get a decent nite's rest. Suffice to say that I had a late night, no, not clubbing nor partying but stayed at home, watching cable as well as having a cold glass of beer. Saw some action on TV about wimbledon and the ongoing Confederate Cup. Anyway mum was unusually quiet last nite and it was good.

Went out to get the dailies and read about the going ons in the country, nothing actually caught my eye and as usual the ongoing political arguments, some trouble in Iraq, beheadings in South Thailand. I reckon what is humanity coming to nowadays? Beheadings? How can people actually stoop so low with having the "stomach" to actually carry on with this despicable act? I wonder what is actually going on in the minds of the manical perpetrators. Would they be ableto sleep at night? I cannot imagine being and doing this to a fellow human, and mind u I am medically trained! Wonder if I am a wuss? Jeez!! This conflict between different religions will be one that, IMHO a cause of downfall for all mankind, why this animosity? Aren't every baby born is like a white peice of paper, impressionable and lead astray when they grow up? Hmm, something for me to ponder upon.

Anyway went for a hair cut and boy is it short, can actually see my scalp! looks a bit rediculous actually but didn't want to be bothered with having to comb my hair, so went ahead with it. It feels comfortable having short and even cropped hair, but just don't think it'll attract the opposite sex as much! Anyway couldn't be more bothered at least from the time being. Am still smarting from my previous experience. I went for a movie "Bat man, the begining". Not a bad movie, much better as compared as the first few installments. Actually went to a hip shopping area but somehow didn't manage to get the tickets as the place was jam packed with people. I thought I have nothing else better to do on a Saturday evening, but seems to me, other people don't have much to do so anyway! While I was walking along this shopping centre, I couldn't help but feel a bit exhilarated. I was hoping to bump into my ex, as it is this is "our" little shopping area, somehow I still miss her. There are many gals around and many are beautiful but I didn't have the "mood" to actually watch them. Perhaps I am getting old, most are very young. Anyway left that place and went to another cineplexs but was a little late, saw the movie albeit missing the first part, but over all it was easy to understand as this film doesn't actually need lots of intellect to uncover the plot, all in all a watchable fare.

Went for dinner with my friends and had a small portion, didn't want to take a lot as I wasn't actually hungry, btw some friends noticed that I had lost some weight, which I reckon is attributed to me not having a voracious appetite like I used to have. Perhaps my breakup is gradually getting to me? I don't know but I hope to snap out of this slump, fast! Subsequently join my friends for a shot of pool. I didn't play as I su*ked big time in this. I just sat and watch them enjoy themselves, but I had been thinking in this smoke filled clubhouse, would it be that I am actually passing onmy youth phase and growing old? I noticed physically am slowing down a bit and tires easily. I reckon I need more rest as compared to when I am young. Reached home at 12 midnite and watched the semi final clash between the two giants of footballing world, Germany as well as Brazil!, good much yeilding 4 goals in half time. Checked on my mom a few times and everytime she end up disconnecting the urinary tube with the bag. I had to clean her up and reconnect the tube one too many times. Finally went to bed at pm, but didn't manage to actually catch 40 winks then, I think I finally dozed off by 4 am? woke up at 8am and felt a bit under the weather so to speak!

24.6.2005

Today is a Friday, weekend is looming along the horizon. I should be feeling relieved but I reckon I am too tired with the sequence of events happening last nite. As usual after work I went back home after buying a 6 pack. Started drinking and at around 1am in the morning I hit the sac after getting through my 4th can. Slept for a while until I heard a knock on my door. Answered it and was dismayed to learn that my mum has gone completely bonkers, she still has energy and had actually disconnected her urinary tube, naturally urine was all over the place and not to mention she is completely lying on the floor! her mattress and comforter shrewn all over the place! I wonder if she is doing this to irritate us or as a way to get back as us, children! Well I end up cleaning up the mess with my sis, luckily there is not injury on my mum! Reckon have to thank my lucky star.

Manage to squeeze in a few more minutes of rest and then it's another long day for me. Arrived at work as per usual and patients are coming on and off, I am happy when it's like that. At least it will keep me occupied and not think so much. I think keeping occupied is another way to prevent oneself from thinking too much. I have been writing on this blog everyday and I wonder if I would continue to write 6 months down the line? Perhaps my blog would be too long already and the good people of this blogspot will be pissed! haha! Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that the young girl that was having a severe allergic reaction is currently well and all her symptoms are fine. She dropped by yesterday to tell me that. It is things like this that makes me feel good about myself, I am at least appreciated.

I read my email today and was taken aback by the fact that my friend from Melbourne is having some complication resulting from her pregnancy. I hope and pray that all this will be transient and can be managed well. As far as I know, it should not be too difficult to handle and I have confidence that it would be okay.

My ex called me just now, I missed the call and I thought the number looked familiar, having deleted all the numbers from my mobile, i returned her call and talked to her for sometime. I don't know why but when I talked to her, I felt a tug on my heart, sort of like an exhilarating feeling. She received her blood test results and wanted to ask me about some of the abnormal values in the results. I explained to her and advised her accordingly. She mentioned that she might be shifting to one condominium and she hasn't actually start work yet. Shifting to a condominium costs lots of money and I think she must have obtained her money from somewhere. Is she having an affair with a married man? or worst still staying with someone? Even though all these is beyond me, it sadden me to think that she has deteriorated until like that? Have I played a role in driving her to be like that? Mind you all these as speculation, perhaps she has found a job which covers her lodgings? I asked her but she said she doesn't have an obligation to tell me. Fair enough. I still entertain the thought of getting back together with her, if she were to behave and is what I think, it has effectively driven the last nail to the problem. I had always loved her and still do actually. It's just that I think she is neither ready nor commited enough at this stage to settle down, I am old I admit but It doesn't mean that things like this can be compromised.

I saw a patient today who wants me to sell him sick leave. I naturally didn't want to sell as it was not ethical as well as being legally wrong. I told him about that. So people actually have the nerve to scold me and then told me many other practitioners actually does that. I told him that eventhough others are doing that, I AM NOT!

Well tomorrow I am not working, and I am sure there is nothing for me to do. I haven't any plans for tonight as well as tomorrow, I reckon I will be going for my jog again. Sometimes I wonder what sort of life do I have? I really should consider going for a long deserved holiday! But still have a lot of loose ends to tie up before I can actually leave. Hopefully in the next couple of months my finances are good enough to employ another doctor to replace me for the time being.

Just gotten wind that the installment for my apartment will commence shortly. I sometimes wonder if I had made the right purchase. I think in the next couple of years recession will set in and there will be loads of cheaper apartments to buy. But I was in a rush then, actually thought of shifting out and gotten married at one time.

It's currently 4pm and I have gotten through halfway through today. Hopefully patients will continue streaming inwards. Am feeling a bit tired actually, but I think I will brush that aside and continue with what I am doing.

23.6.2005

I am here again today typing aimlessly. I wonder if I should write something similar to Bridget's? Maybe start with how much I weigh, how many ciggies I smoke, what I am eating, and how many units of alcohol in my system? I reckon it would be a way to start the blog going! but then it wouldn't be unique to me, right? Well I think being just plain me would suffice at least for the time being.

The earlier part of the morning starts like any other day, wake up, brush my teeth, bathe, etc. All pretty regimental and routine. Started off like any other day. Whilst reading my papers, ( an early morning addiction together with my mandatory dosages of caffein, I read that the baby is still not found yet ( the baby kidnapped from a local hospital). I was just imagining being in it's parent's shoes, what I wouldn't give to get the newborn back! I checked the latest news on the papers and there is nothing worth reading apart from the usual Political jargon, mumbo jumbo and etc . I think the world as such is such a terrible and unaccomodating place.

Patient wise, hmm, still pretty low, am intriqued by lots of people who actually don't put much emphasis on their own health. Why do I say that? I had a patient who is in her teens, and is suffering from Chicken Pox, naturally I advised her for an antiviral therapy and even though it costs a bit more than the standard medication, I would take it myself as it would cut short the disease process and the side effects associated with it. I don't know why her mum decline the suggestion and claim it to be expensive, well I reckon in their mind, it would be much cheaper paying for dermoabrasions and facials rather than taking the medications! Silly, silly people. I feel this shouldn't be compromised.

Well on a brighter note, I have read the latest about the abduction of the baby, it has since been recovered and the prime suspect in the abduction is one of the staff nurses who works in the hospital! It seems that she has been in postnatal depression due to the fact that she had lost baby recently. I reckon I felt for her as well. Does this means that I am getting soft? Hah I don't think so, maybe I am just human!

Patient today number up to around 8 of them, pretty bad, but actually cannot complain so much owing to the poor economic climate nowadays. I reckon there are some practices that is faring even worst than mine. In other words I should be thankful. I hadn't slept well yesterday, mum was screaming on top of her voice again last night. I presume she is uncomfortable and in pain. I gave her some celebrex and hope that it would at least settle her down a bit, it pains to see her being tied on her hands. It might look inhumane and bad but we had to do it as she is trying to pull out her urinary tube. I am afraid that it would injure her even more. I think the maxim of cruel to be kind speaks a thousand words.

Oh did i mention that I had a late night yesterday? Yup while closing up for the day I had a case of a serious allergic reaction. They stay around my place but saw a different doctor earlier, the kid develop rather bad allergic reaction towards the medication and came with an engorged head, striking resembance to Will Smiths in "Hitch", the thing that got me worried is not the dermal manifestation but the pulmonary ones, I distinctly heard wheezing and difficulty in breathing and it was rather serious. I had given her the neccesary medication and advised her to go to the hospital in case it become worst. But after observing her for sometime, I am reasonably sure that she will be alright!

Hmm, I haven't write anything on my ex. Well my feeling is still smarting from it but I am feeling much better as compared to a few days back. I think I am in the process of moving on. I still am very concern about her wellbeing but I think she doesn't care much anymore. I wish and pray that whatever she does, she will be happy.

22.6.2005

Am back, today is a wednesday and it's 10.48 in the morning. I was early coming to work today and it's a refreshing change. I had a couple of beers the nite before and it sort of help me have some sleep. I am at least feeling a bit rested and not "wasted". Yeah I removed mum's foley's and will have to reinsert in the afternoon, meaning I have to make a trip back home to do that. She cannot PU without the tube.

Patient wise, not bad today, at least some resemblance of a clinic, I have seen a few patients and there is a couple of kids, effectively keeping my time occupied. If not I would languish and start thinking of last time. I think it's definately over, perhaps she has someone already by now, she smsed me yesterday and asked if I wanted the poster that she gave to me last time, it's a Spiderman II poster and it's really neat. She wanted it back if I don't want to keep it! How can someone say things like this? I reckon she sounded like an "indian" giver, which means asking for things that are given back. I am nuts to think that she is a nice girl! My people do change when it comes to things like this, is it really that love and hate is separated by a thin line? With an experience like this, I am more than ready to vouch for that.

It's been more than a week since a friend of mine came back for holidays. She will be home for a month, does any company gives it's new employee a month of leave? I think there is something sinister here, it has nothing to do with me but as always curiosity gets the better of me. I am begining to form an opinion that the females nowadays have different approach in live as well as in a relationship. The sanctity of being commited to someone has been fully abused and there is hardly any trust involved in a relationship anymore. Am I becoming sceptical? I am becoming more morbid when it comes to relationships. I know that and nothing at the moment can make me think otherwise. Hopefully when things are much better and I am feeling better with the things around me, this frightful opinion would change.

On a brighter note, this blog even if it's just a ramblings of mine actually do serves it's purpose of lightening my mood. I can type inccesantly of what comes into my mind without a care of the world and I think being anonymous and typing whatever that comes into mind actually is a therapy by itself. It's much better than taking whatever foul mood and lashing it towards your friends and loved ones, right? I appreciate the concept of a dairy even more now, perhaps with this I can make it into a daily affair. To tell you the truth I feel much better already.

I have been active in a real estate forum lately. I think it's time that I get involved and learning about investment rather than hiding behind a veil of medicine. I don't know anything beyond medicine and this in my honest opinion is pretty depressing. Hopefully with Real estate I would make my mark and money. I always thought that people need a lot of money in order to purchase high end properties but I couldn't be more wrong. It basically boils down to purchasing with loans and turning that into a positive cashflow but renting it out. Its a good formula but it needs practice by formulating one that best suits you. I was intially intriqued by the phrase making money when buying and not by selling but with some explanation I now fully understand that catch phrase. I am no expert by slowly and surely i would learn more about this. I had recently bought my first property and it's still under construction, It would be ready by mid 2007 and I am looking forward to staying on my own, am 34 and still with my family. wonder if i am one the few remaining ones until I read an article in the local dailies that claims that more and more mid thirties are staying with their family. I may not be the only unique one around!

Ah yeah, something happen in my home country yesterday, can u imagine someone stealing a baby from one of the local hospital? According to media reports, a new born baby has been stolen from right under the nurses noses in one of the northern hospitals and I find this shocking! whatever can people think of next? My feelings and sympathy goes with the family. I think the health minister should be held accountable. How can this despicable act happen in our society? Why have social decay happen?

21.6.2005 part II

this is the second time that I am writing on my blog today. I am feeling a bit depressed because if I understand correctly my prior relationship had really ended! I don't know if it will be a closure for me. I hope I can and able to move on with my life.

Saw a patient today and he was in a rather bad shape, he had gone to the hospital but was ? rejected by the personnel there? Are they nuts? Doesn't common sense prevail against rules and regulation? Would we as health care givers put priority towards emergency cases rather than simply turning them away so that they can get a referral from the GPs? What is the world coming to? Am I the only sane person in this insane world?

Just had a chat with a good friend of mine, She called me all the way from Melbourne and I appreciate having such a good friend. As it is she is nearing her labour and still finds time to listen to grouses from an undeserving chap! I sometimes feel that I am blessed with having friends like this! So why am I still stuck being sad and miserable for myself? I will try to snap out of this as soon as possible!

Hmm, patient load today is not bad, did have quite a number of patient, I hope and pray that it will continue as it is. I think the way around me snapping out of my present condition is to be busy, be it with lots of work to do, or something that can take my mind out of my failed and miserable relationship resume! I simply need to meet more people and from there hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel! Well after the tete et tete, I have at least some energy to move on!

20.6.2005

I'm new to blogging and I am wondering if it's appropriate to write my thought and feeling here? I reckon this is the place where I can type my mind and feelings away without anyone knowing who I am and what I do. I am a medical doctor and life have been tough! I just recently broke off with my girl and it has been paining me ever since. Its been more than 5 months since that faithful day and I am currently wondering whatever I decide is right? Have I been too emotionally charged and made an error of judgement? I felt bad when i was in the relationship but if what I did is right, how come I am feeling even more miserable now?

It's more than a year since I started out on private practice, just last Saturday I met an old med school mate and he told me that he has already passed his Masters and it sort of tugged at my heart a bit. I begin to wonder at the age of 34, what have I acheived so far? True, I am a professional, with my own practice albeit not doing very well, but I am by far better than a lot of people, I look backwards and think why at my age am I still alone? Shouldn't I be married with kids? I feel positively ancient! feeling so lonely ala the song from Akon?

Am I in any way abnormal? I work 14 hour a day, without any financial rewards, why am I still at it. I am as confused as to why?

I think the pressure of the breakup coupled with the fact that my business is not performing, is actually burdening me. Added with the fact that mum is gravely ill. How much bad things can happen to one person in a lifetime? Mum is beyond any medical intervention. If instinct proves right, she has only months to live. I am sad, I am a doctor and yet I cannot offer anything for her.

Today I have around 16 patient, far shy from what is expected from an establish clinic, maybe a few years down the line, it will be more! But the question is that can I wait so long?

I always ask myself, if I love her why did I break off with my girl? she's young, very pretty and attractive. What else am I complaining about anyway? the fact is that, she is very possesive, very bossy and difficult to please. I had tried tolerating her flirting and "friendliness" but I think it's something that I need to learn to accept. Anyway is it too late now?

21.6.2005

My second day of blogging! It's tuesday and another long day ahead of me. I find this blogging thing good as it lightens my mind and also let me type aimlessly away. What plans do I have in store today? Hmm, I wonder? Well I have plans to send my ex gf an email to tell her that I have erred and want things to be back to what it was before the breakup. I am unsure if she would be back in my arms ( so to speak). But I am hopeful no doubt. I think that I am still in love with her, a lot in fact.

It's nearing 11am and I haven't had a single patient. I hope and pray this will not be the trend for the whole day. As everyone probably know health related industry is supposedly reccession proof but I seriously beg to differ. I think with the growing numbers of pharmacies (unscruptulous ones' nonetheless) people do tend to self medicate more than usual. It is supposedly cheaper alternatives, but I do see a growing number of patient that develops complications and side effects of wrongly prescribe medications. I do actually wonder why the health authorities aren't doing anything about it? Perhaps there are so many red tape or an administrative oversight that hinder this important enforcement? I am curious as to what will the health status of the general public be after a few years? Perhaps our national longevity census needs to be altered?

Back to my personal life, hmm what personal life? I don't think I have one, in fact my time is all tied up working in my little practice. Did I mention that it's one of the reason why my ex created a ho hah in the first place? Well it is, I reckon in a relationship, people tend to complain of lack of time spend together. I have to agree with her, we hardly have time together except for the occasional night of "mamak" stalls. It's the only outlet and time that we do talk but that I reckon isn't enough.

Just chatted with someone who has a very fixed idea, I find communicating with ppl of this sort difficult. I feel that having to argue with someone who has a fixation problem highly draining. How can we as mere mortals change people's opinion? Best thing is to just agree and get on to the next patient! An update I finally sent an email to my ex, and now the ball is in her court. What will happen next? I am as curious as well.