Update

I haven't been writing on this blog for sometime. I have been very busy lately and I am totally stressed out. I reckon this post will be devoid of any fanciful and flowery sentences as it merely contains updates on what is happening to my life at this juncture.

It's 7.16pm now and I have but a few more hours to go before I call it a day and go back home. On a brighter note, my brother from Perth is flying in today and at least there is some kind of mental support. I hope things would be less stressful as there will be another hand, so to speak. I had gone back home earlier in the afternoon to adjust my mum's IV drip and it's apparent that time is a luxury that she ill afford. I reckon if I am not posting for the next few days, chances are whatever we had dread for so long has turned out to be a reality. I think this is but a closure for us as well as for mum.

The least we have done is to exhaust all possible avenues and it's invariable people move and pass on, it's what we do in this span of time, however short it is that defines us. I reckon in this regard, mum did very well, raising 15 of us, 2 males and all females and suffice to say all are pretty established in our own sense. Some fare better than others but it's important that there is no special privilege and everyone has got the same treatment. None had ever been in the wrong side of the law and some sacrifices are made by the older siblings for the benefit of the younger ones. Education was emphasised by mum and dad and they had worked feverishly to provide some amount of education for each and everyone of us, although the latter ones had the benefit of persuing college and varsity degrees.

I might at times be naughty and sarcastic towards her, but I reckon it's a phase that we as kids tend to do which is rebel without a cause. I want to beg for her forgiveness and thank her for all the sacrifices that she had made for me and the rest of my siblings. I hope that I have been a son that mum and dad always wanted and envision me to be. I pray that I am not a let down in this sense. I pray that I am a worthy son to my mum. May the blessing of the Triple Gem be upon mother. May Mum be well and happy. Namo Tasso Bhagavatho Arahato Samasam Budhassa. Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu.

Drained

What am I writing today? I am not sure, I don't even have a title for this latest post of mine, should I write something about what I feel? Or should I write something that has no bearing to what I am thinking and feeling now? What should I write? Sometimes I reckon I am perplexed as to what to put down in this blog of mine, why blog when I have so much musings on my mind but is unable to put it into proper words and sentences? I think perhaps I should write something that when I read back in future, I will feel the same exact feeling that I am feeling now, hmm, wouldn't that be great?

I think most of the time, it's true that people moves and do things wearing a mask, I reckon in this aspect I can be considered normal, whenever I'm with friends and family I wear a set of mask, and with my patients another set. Who is the actual me? I reckon I have covered myself in so many layers of fabric that even I am not that sure. What should I do? My interests and my life has been so compromised with having to please everyone that I've actually lost all bearings. I reckon I am tired being someone's shoulder to cry on, someone's sounding board of sorrows, somebody's good confidante and someone who other people can depend on. For a change I reckon I should be the one that is the weaker one, the person who needs a shoulder to cry on, a person that needs a counterpart to listen to my grouses for a change and not always the level headed and the one that other people can rely on?

I am stressed and tired, not physically but mentally. I am drained, emotionally and spiritually. I have been working on and on and on for so long, having to rely on myself to make a living, I haven't any help, any assistance, anyone to actually pat me in the back for a job well done. I am not asking for help or anything, but for the sheer aburdity of wanting someone to share and reassure me that whatever I am doing is right and to give me the moral strenght to continue with what I am doing; a pat on the back for a job well done. I reckon it's time I burden other people with my grouses and sorrows rather than receiving it unconditionally. It goes both ways and I surmise, its my time to unload!

Bad day

Have you ever waken up in the middle of the night, and it's cold and raining and feel that everything is just not right and you'll not able to pinpoint what exactly is wrong? And you try and try and try to get back to sleep, but you just can't? The feeling is insistent and it's feels like being in a stupor and a semiconsious state? Well it has happen and is still happening to me, actually for the most part of this year, and well the feeling that things aren't going well just got a little worse.

I woke up to the tune of Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" and boy, he couldn't be right smack on target. I reckon the song actually hit a raw nerve and have an impact on me. As it is, it's noticibly is going to be a bad day; yup, no questions about that. There are times when nothing seems to be going right, from waking up from the wrong side of the bed to being caught in a jam which ordinarily doesn't even warrant a batterof a wink of response. The coffee felt cold, devoid of any "kick" and the breakfast tasted stale and non appetizing. The pass few days seems to be and amplified version of a bad day, patients are scarce and few, my place is undergoing renovation which contributes to the amount of din that is filling up my room, the inccesant knocking and hammering actually compounded the feeling of tatselessness and despair. But nothing, nothing makes it even worst than what is currently playing prominence in my mind.

What exactly is wrong? Sincerely I cannot pinpoint anything, but I reckon it's a culmination of a few things that is continously bugging me. The fact is that mum is dying, which makes everything even less appealing, and this is something that I am trying very, very hard to postpone but at the end it's inevitable that she will passed on. I will then be a an orphan, it sounds rediculous and I reckon silly, but seriously it's how I'll feel when she eventually moves on. I have lost my dad when I was 13 and I am going to loose my mum. Boy! I wonder what makes it a bad day even worst? Arrangements have been made for my brother to come back from Perth and it's essential that I made it possible for him to at least see her for the last time. I am trying my best, shuttling to and fro from my clinic and home to check out on her. I surmise, somehow and sometimes we probably need to relent and let mum go in peace. I think as she is suffering now, being so thin and emanciated, it's prudent to let nature takes it own course. Anyway knowing mum, she'll not want us to frown and be unhappy for her, a truly great woman.

Oh well, what makes a bad day worst? I reckon with the amount of shit that is happening to me, I am invaribly a choice candidate for the mental assylum, but nay, I will soldier on, I made a promise to my dad to soldier on and eventually be a Doctor and now I have made a promise to mum to soldier on to be a better person. I am doing this for I know she has faith in me. I am doing this as I know being mum's flesh and blood, I have the inherrent fighting spirit that she passes on to me, and for this I salute you mother! I will definately not let anything make my day bad, this I promise you.

Spam

I wonder have anyone among us open our mailbox early in the morning and gleefully find that there are a few emails that is waiting for us? The feeling of euphoria will fade as fast as it came the time when I read the title of the emails. Receiving spam in my context is really very exhausting. As much as I hate being forwarded with junk mails, I have in my lifetime, received more than a fair share of it. Why is that so? Perhaps I know many people that actually bothers to send me forwarded mails? Some are worth a read and a laugh after but most are junk mails that is either totally inappropriate or warrants getting pissed at!

Among the more interesting title or subject of the email is "enhance your sexual prowness with XXX product", " Guaranteed Enlargement for your Organ". "Cheap Viagras and Other enhancements", "want to have a date with Celebrity So and So?". Most are total crap and immediate deletion is the appropriate response and yeah, to even think that I need things like this! I wonder if anyone actually fall for craps like this? Is there even a remote possibility that your organ can be "enlarged" by taking medications? Hmm, I reckon the biggest buyers would be males with rediculously low self esteem. Maybe there are loads of gullible people around, people that would try anything in order to feel better about themselves.

Most noticebly of late is the Nigerian Black Money scam, I mean, do anyone honestly think that being as poor a country as it is, they have so much money stashed somewhere to transfer out of their country? and even if all these is real, by any chance, why would they solicit people via emails, et tu, the people that they don't know. I read with amusement that a local university Professor was one such victim, the academician purportedly lost 600k in a scam. Being a learned person doesn't actually make you less greedy eh? I wonder what insights and "enlightenment" an esteemed member of the academic can impart to the students? I really wonder!

Something that doesn't come into this category of spam is the more sedate and heart tugging forwarded emails, sort of an electronic counterpart of chain letters. Emails like this are usually based on some one that is arguably sick or in the verge of dying unless someone comes up with a sh*t load of money, or some money is being donated every time the article is opened and forwarded. Or those that gives a very nice and lovey dovey article about love, relationship and the human spirits and ends up with a request to forward to as many people as possible in order to enjoy the blessing(s), some even have condition attached to it:-

send to 5 people u have minimal blessing
send to 10 to 20, u have moderate blessing,
send to 30 and above, u'll have good blessing,
Up to 50, your lucky day starts today! so and so forth!

What I cannot comprehend is that if we do forward this "spam" to other people as well as friends, do the blessing neccesarily comes back to us? Nay, I don't actually think so.

I think emails like this tend to be more often then not, practical jokes started by people who have nothing better to do, people like me sitting around waiting for clients to come. Hmm, Perhaps I should start my chain mails as well? I wonder what the topic will be? Forward this email or woe and bad luck will fall upon you and your family?

Forum Gathering 2

Well after the nitty gritty of organising the second gathering and the negativity as well as drama prior to that actual day, it turned out that the gathering went without any untoward incident. It started off a bit slow as it was drizzling at 7pm. I was the earliest one to arrive but it was fine as I like the ambience and the soothing piped music that they play here, definately much, much more congenial for talking and exchanging views compared to Passion.

People starts trickling in by 8pm and we started having our snacks as well as wine, I ordered a Penfolds and it was nice, full bodied and aromatic. Not a bad wine to down with cheese, we ordered brie, and it came in a platter, well more like the chopping board but still the presentation of it is nice, not too much cheese but aptly adequate.

We exhanged views as well as ideas about property investing with a part of it spent on discussing the inappropriateness of the character "T", even the maitre D that entertained the call actually came to meet up with us to detailed to us how "T" called to change and then cancel the bookings. I listened intently while laughing as I couldn't comprehende what was the motivation behind all these. I reckon sometimes it's just difficult to understand how someone could go into any length to disrupt a function. It shivers to think that if "T" was someone close to me, or any of my "exs" has anything to do with it.

We adjourned from the gathering feeling a bit tipsy and then reconvene to the local "mamak" stall to continue with our talk. It was great to exchange views and tips with other fellow forumer and good to know some legal loopholes as well. As the minute hand strikes 3am in the morning, we bid each other adieu, I left the stall leaving euphoric as well as happy that it all turned out well, my only worries now is would I be able to wake up at 8am in the morning to get to work?

Passion and Realisation

The night started as any other nights, I had passed my car keys to the valet and is making my way into a nitespot. All these seem very new to me, well not exactly new, but it was like a sort of reawakening. I haven't step foot in a similar place for so many years, a place where they have scantily clad females and loud thumping bass where you can barely hear yourself think. I had just been reacquainted with a discotheque. This is the first after a decade. My re-orientation begins in a place which is aptly called, Passion.

The area is nice enough, more upmarket than your average head banging discotheque, and the patrons were mostly younger people, smartly dressed and the females were rather chiq, this is one of the happening places that the yuppies patronise, I for one hasn't even heard of Passion, but was nonetheless obligated to tag along after being invited by a friend that came back from Shanghai. The whole design and ambience of Passion is something that needs to be experienced, it's nice and cozy, rather chiq as well as eluding a sense of exclusiveness. Gone were the days of huge speakers, sixties style parquet dance floor and the "crystal globe" that has been immortalised in "Saturday Night Fever", and replacing it, a nice outdoor patio that doubles as the dance floor as well as a dining area.

As the night wears on, the deafening selection of loud music, with the smoky enviroment actually makes it less pleasant for an old man like me. I noticed that many if not all patrons seem to be having a whale of a time drinking and edging each other to down more and more glasses of liquor and alcohol. I had a few shots of whisky and it was as difficult to avoid being sucked into the vicious cycle of being toasted to, but luckily I can hold my ground, lest be inebriated. The females were sweaty from gyrating and dancing while I was gingerly sitting and avoiding the onslaught of the reccurant banging of glasses. A sudden realisation that I don't actually enjoy places like this hit me like a speeding train. I realised why I wasn't a clubber, and prefering oddly to have my drinks in a pub with easy listening or in a jazz bar.

Some females upon having a few glasses too many, were pissed drunk. As it is I wonder what's so interesting and enjoyable to be seen in places like this? Is this place so happening and fun? or perhaps being seen here is something that is essential and important? I am truly getting older and places like this is no longer appealing to me. I reckon give me a good novel and a beer and that would make my day. Passion's aside, I wonder how many patrons would actually be detained driving under the influence by the police barricade just a hundred metres away?

War

Well, something happen to me today. Something weird and totally out of character, something that warrant a mention in my blog as well as take the mundane whiff out of the day. I have been active in one of the Real Estate forums. In anonymous forums like this we will invariably encounter people who is totally clueless as well as delusional ones. I had previously encountered a few but none more persistent than this character, T. He or she has been hounding yours truly for sometime and seriously this has gone a bit too far, how far you ask? Hmm, let me detail what actually happen in lenght.

That character has been heckling me for a good, month and a half already. Ever since an article came out in one of the local dailies regarding the usefulness of real estate forums, the registered members has suddenly quadrupled. It's actually a good thing, having an increase in readership as well as contributors, since this is where all queries regarding purchasing properties as well as investing is discussed. Knowledgeble and experienced hands will then dispense the neccesary advice. But then again there will also be some that takes advantage of anonymity to dispense vulgarities, to hurl abuses to other genuine contributors as well as plain destruction of the forum, just for kicks. There has been a few scattered incidences and a few that is basically "in" the forum for one and one thing only and T is one of them. I must have irritated that person or whatever I did, or posts hit a raw nerve. I am NOW the undisputed sworn enemy of T!

I have been treating this character with restrained as well as courtesy and up till now haven't exactly lost my head and return her abuses in "kind". Not even when he/she created a nickname which is similar to mine to start a rumour purportedly from me. I have been level headed and composed. I have been hurled abuses after abuses, being called a female, lonely one too, a gay, a twerp, an asshole, asswipe, friggin dickhead, f*cker, and what not and still I was civil. I reckon people like this thrives on attention and if I stoop down to that level, I am no better than T.

Suddenly, out of the blue, I received a call today, a hidden number from a very nice, polite and sweet sounding female, asking me for directions to my clinic, I thought the call sounded dubious but nonetheless I patronised the call. I found out later in the forum that it was indeed T! Omigod this is carrying a bit too far! some people does go through all the lenght to stalk! I am like, WTF! this is serious, don't u think? I am not angry, just perplexed as to how she got my number!

Subequently, someone from the venue that I've booked for the gathering called to say that have I cancelled the bookings that I've made earlier? Huh? Since when? according to the concierge someone named T has called and said that the booking has now changed into T's name and will be cancelled. Then I knew, it was like a sudden epiphany! Luckily, I knew the chap and he called me to reconfirm, if not it'll be totally chaotic tomorrow! Wow! this is too much. After thinking about my options, and tactical planning, I am on the offensive, I will fish for her to attend the gathering and as much as I am reluctant, let the war begins!

Interesting sections

After posting some rather controversial entry 2 days back I reckon it would be best to tone down and do an about turn. As it is, the blog entries are a bit boring and devoid of anything which I would term "interesting". Far too many grouses and bitching. Too many of the same things and as such I find it less refreshing. So today my entry is a bit different. Nothing ordinary but something that we (well most of us anyway) does a lot.

Nope I am not talking about bodily functions but rather the act of reading a newspaper. As it is, some people would automatically browse at the sports sections and some like flies hooked on to light would subconsiously be drawn to some sections articles like "Dear Thelma". I can't deny the fact that some of the questions and articles in this section is "enticing" and "interesting". Especially cheating and those sexually explicit ones which invaribly evoke our own primal instinct. My! give me a spicy cheat any day!

Well, as for me, it's not the spicy section, sports, cartoons or even the feel good section that makes my day. Morbid or not, my curiosity is almost always drawn to the obituary section. Yeah, no joke. I somehow find this section "engrossing" as well as "interesting". Have any ever wondered that during the person's hey day what he/she actually does for a living? The person that has just passed on might have condescendently stepped on many people's toes? Maybe even commit crimes in their heyday? Or perhaps the person that has passed on has so many virtues and is such a good human that many more famous people cannot compare or even come close? Wonder if the short single sentence eulogy with the numerous numbers of children and grandchildren does him/her any justice?

Ever wondered how many have children and offsprings that are successful or lack of it? How has the person lived his/her life? Have they acheive what they set out to do? What they wanted? What is the thing that they will miss most? What are the things that they best want to take with them? Maybe this person has been one of the biggest benefactor a school, charity or the nation has ever seen? Is having a small 2 by 6 inch advert in the local dailies adequate to trumpet that person's achievements or lack of it? Perhaps that person had one of the best skills when it comes to writing, and he/she would be doing a much better job in writing this than me, ever wondered that?

I came across an eulogy that I think is beautifully written, it reads like this:-

"It's not that we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth ---- and that we had no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest as if it was the only one we have"

~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Whatever had been said, this section invariably suck me in, I might be morbid and a sucker for it, which makes me wonder what will be written in mine when I'm gone? Perhaps I should forward some self help site into writing a good eulogy to my loved ones?

Purpose

My second entry for the day, I might be seriously lacking better things to do, or rather lack clients to immerse my time with. But since there isn't any patients to see, here I am writing again in my blog so that my time here is spend with having an outlet, and not simply just watse and frittered it away. I have nothing to write in particular but as my fingers dance it's way through the keyboard, hopefully something substantial will come out of it.

I think after going through some other people's blog, it occurs to me that some actually is happy with the developments surrounding them, for instance this blog which glaringly advertises her happiness with having found another half, I wish to take this opportunity to congratulate her on having found someone to spend her life with! Kudos and may happiness and blessings be upon her and her loved one. I wonder what is the purpose of life as it is? Writing my previous entry about not bitching, it would be nonsensical if I start bitching about life now, but seriously what seems to be our purpose in life?

I would reckon most would react in a particular set of answers, ask a school kid and immediately the standard things start coming out, "When I grow up I want to be a Doctor, Lawyer, Engineer, Teacher, etc etc,", these are the prototypes, where else the more creative ones will answer astronaut, or maybe even the Prime Minister. But have anyone gave any thoughts about what is our purpose in life? Is being married to someone you love, your purpose in life? Your grand scheme of things?

I wonder what is MY purpose in life? I am not bothered about money so much, and neither am I bothered with fame, I set out having an ambition to be a health care provider and I basically nailed that, but seriously I haven't given much thought in what I intend to squeeze out of my life? Well at least what is remaining of it! I, as any mere mortals want to be happy, and even if it means becoming poor and having to slog my whole life, I reckon that's worth it. Happiness is something that in my honest opinion, none negotiable and by jolly; I will strive and strive hard to acheive this. So what makes one happy? In the previous blogger's opinion, its' finding a partner and loving them in return, she can find bliss and happiness in loving some one and in return being loved. Another might digress and opt for riches and fame, like those people competing in the Malaysian Idol. Or some simply wants a TV or even an Ipod Nano. Whatever gives them the "high" or feeling of euphoria.

For me, I would want to think that everyone will eventually reach their goal in finding happiness, As the blogger that found happiness in finding a counterpart, I am also looking for something that would make me happy, as it is, this ingredient is still elusive and covert, which inadvertantly makes me wonder what is it?

Choice

Well, life haven't been particularly good, everything doesn't seem to be where I want it to be, from even the most minute things to something more significant, nothing seem to be in perfect tandem or in other ways, nothing "click"! What should I do? Should I languish in woe and depression? I have been in the dumps for so long with only my sanity and my zest for life fueling me on. I wonder for a change , should I retreat, become a pessimist and crawl back into my comfort zone and just bitch?

Nay, I don't think I will, I am different from my very first posts, something made me see the light, life is what u want it to be. The most important thing is, there is always a choice. Let me elaborate the shitty stuffs that had happen to me.

First there was the disappointment of my business. Truth be told, I have not been making money, does anyone even know that I actually had a previous place of practice that I had to cut the lifeline after only being operational for 10 months? I've lost my innocence, my life savings not to mention that I was in debt up to my nose! I also lost my most precious asset, time. Did I bitch about it? I didn't, I understand that when I grouse, I inadvertantly cause my friends and the people who loves me to bear the brunt of my moods. What did I do? I took time off to recuperate my soul, my shattered confidence, my ego and my sanity.

Coming back to the current disappointment, I have been here for more than a year and what had I achieve? Absolute and resounding nothing. I am not making money, I am not having a particularly good patient load, and yes I am still in debt, although I make it a point to pay everyone. I am still struggling and soldiering on. Should I choose to bitch and curse, nope, I choose to continue with it.

Second, relationships, as already known, it's in the dumps and suffice to say that it still is, nothing can be done. So should I bitch and rant and screw the whole world? Nay, I choose to move on and not bitch anymore.

Third, mother's heath, this is a biggy, a bummer and something that is beyond my control. I have tried and tried to do whatever I can but I reckon it's all futile. I understand the teaching of Birth, Old age, Infirmity and Death so well that I am letting things be. I have been taking care of her for so long and it pains to see mum wasting away, not being able to eat, and also lapse in and out of dementia, What should I do? Bitch about having to digitally evacuate her faeces? having to be up until 5 am on a Saturday to clean her up? I did what I did and clean up the mess and hope that whatever time she has, it would be made more comfortable by my care, my treatment and my love for her. Should I bitch about my predicament? I choose not to.

Forth, my health, it hasn't been good, I have been having skin problems and it's not improving inspite of my numerous effort, what can I say apart from having to continue with medication? what did I choose? I choose to accept that my eczemas are actually because of my stress levels and my binging with alcohol. Why did I binge? Because of my insomnia and why insomnia? Because of thinking too much. Should I bitch? I choose not to.

Fifth, my work hours,at the rate I'm going, having so many commitments what can I do? I am not in the liberty to take time off to go for a holiday to rejuvenate my senses, partly due to point 1 and point 3, so what did I choose? I choose to remain at work, close to my family and not complain about not being able to go for a holiday. Sure I can bitch and rant all I like, but I choose not to.

Sixth, time and age, I am growing older, and time is a liberty that I don't have, at least with the amount spent working, I can't see this status quo changing even next year, so can I finally meet a special someone? I think not. What can I do apart from bitching? I decided to get to know people via the net! Should I bitch about being old? I choose not to.

Seventh, accident, I have my fair share, my car was knocked a few days ago, and what did I do? Should I let my anger and frustration takes the better of me? Should I bitch? I choose not to.

Eighth, my shares are loosing money, up to a thousand a day, what should I do? Bitch and complain to every one I meet? I choose not to.

Ninth, somethings are so explicit and too bad to even be blogged, so should I bitch? I choose not to.

What can be said is that, whatever a person decides to be happy or sad, even languishing in depression, it's a choice that can be either positive or negative. You are what you choose to be, either happy and accept life as it is or be miserable and bitch, alienating people, friends and family along the way. Question to ask yourself is, "Is all of this worth it?", choices is in your hands and your hands alone, Whether you choose to be happy or sad life still goes on, So what is it going to be? Your choice. Bitch or not? FOR ME I CHOOSE NOT TO.

Destiny

It's not on any given day that I'm lost and contemplating as to or not write the next post. But I reckon, hey, what the heck, since I am virtual unknown in the "Blogsphere", I might as well write what I want and dictate what can or cannot be written, so here it is a mini-expose' of sorts of my latest dabbling in seeking a window to my future.

My heart was racing as I went ahead with my appointment of meeting up with the fortune teller, the visually stimulating image of a Gypsy lady covered in a scarf with a crystal ball and a tent is basically the first thing that came into my mind. It's not that I'm a complete greenhorn in the world of fortune tellers but I wonder why the image is prominently ingrained in my mind despite having seek a consultation a few years back. Maybe all the TVs that I've been watching as well as the onslaught of JK Rowling's Harry Potter is exacting it's revenge on me?

The first glance at the clairvoyant, she turns out to be like a normal person, albeit with the poorly done make up. Anyway as expected she asked for my date and time of birth. This being something that is the "key" to the future, arm with that, she can give you insights as well as information pertaining to our previous lives, the current and the future one. It seems a bit preposterous but seriously that's what that was intimated to me. From the information that I've furnished ( I can't actually say with a 100% certainty that the time of my birth is correct, since every one, second guesses their exact time) it became clear to her that in my previous life, I was a human ( Thank GOD, Whew!), but has been a prankster who had intentionally offered meat products and wine to monks mockingly. From that sardonic display of inappropriateness, I was banished in this life to "payback" my sins. Words here cannot describe the sarcastic look of her countenence and I reflected to myself! All is lost, woe is me! My life will be filled with suffering! I am not going to be successful, sigh**.

But all is not lost! I was born in the year of the dog, I do have some blessings as well. But these will only come in time, which is why she ask me to be patient. Patience is a virtue not known to me, something that I am trying to cultivate. It seems that my life and career would be growing steadily in a period of 4 to 5 years. My spouse should never be born under the signs of a dragon or a rooster for fear of having no marital bliss. Choice candidates should either be the tiger or the hare! As both are the signs of my guardian angels! With the right combination it would be perfect! It sounds like some combo McDonalds or the new KFC variety bucket! And she surmised that I'll be married either by the end of next year or the year after next. Well if she is wrong, I would have the time of my life, chucking her Sign Board!

It never cease to amaze me that all this information is disbursed with only some minimal information where even the accuracy is a suspect! Nearly 6 billion population, I am sure every second a few births occurs ? Intriging isn't it? Does it means that everyone born at the same time have the same lifes? Even previous lives? Furthermore do you reckon the time is exactly what's written on the birth certificate with a few under-educated midwifes? What about if the clock is out of battery? maybe it should be a chronographs, measuring up to one tenth of a second? Wouldn't that be more accurate? I think not, why did I even bother to go and visit the fortune teller? Maybe it's something extra ordinary, perhaps I am doing something out of the mundane Saturday? Anyway, it would be good if what she say is true, to the females that are born under the two auspicious signs of tiger and hares, let's meet up eh!

Waking Up

After reading this exceptionally heart rendering story in a new blog that I had the priviledge of being invited into, I felt compelled to write something about it.

My initial feeling after reading this entry was it's pretty similar to something I've read from my younger days in article filled Reader's Digest. But seriously this article is nothing short of the bookazine's standard. I think comparatively my narrative skills pale considerably and lack the neccesary ingredients that is able to "tug" a person heart. I felt an article like that doesn't need any exceptionally verbose vocabulary. I need to give it a big hand to that person who wrote that piece and I am in no where near her standards. Kudos. A big hand.

Well, I was touched, I had in my capacity of being a caregiver, seen my fair share of heart wrenching episodes that can actually fill a novella of short stories. The experiences that I have had over the past few years as a doctor has actually made me less sympathetic and more cynical to the sufferings of my fellow humans. I have seen so many things that actually make me want to cry out but NO, I am expected to have a strict and professional approach to my job. My patients are no longer humans with feelings to me, I am trained to take them as a problem and the problems needs to be rectified. I felt wooden and I need to put on a masks whereever I go when I was in the goverment service. I cannot be too close to the patient for fear of being labelled "unprofessional", I cannot be friendly towards my patients for fear of being sucked into a emotional vacumn when something does happen to them. Who am I then? An android that is devoid of any emotions and merely a machine to heal a sick person?

There have been instances that I was practically begged on both knees by a patient's family member for me to safe a terminally ill patient. I was so touched not to mention taken aback by this and I hadn't the heart to tell her that her husband is beyond help. I can't cry, I can't say anything apart from keeping quiet and mumbling the words, "I'm sorry but we did the best we could". If it was the real me that instance, I would have cried or least shed a few tears.

I reckon I have been wearing a veil for a long time and perhaps the article that I've just read actually jolt me back to what I used to be? A chap who is made up of flesh and blood.

shattered innocence

A flash of light, and a sudden and split second deafening boom was all it took to convert panic and disorientation in this rustic and laidback island. A tourist's haven of sorts, it had been the favourite among honeymooners as well as people looking for peace and calm, away from the hustling city life. It has been 3 days since religious zealots condemn this beautiful and pristine beach into a war zone. The last five years spend cultivating tourists confidence in and building reputation has again been dilapidated into ruins.

The picture that struck me the most was of a young child with injuries over her face, crying forlornly for her dead mother. The episode will forever be ingrained into her mind and an initiation of sorts into the brutal world of adulthood, innocence shattered into a trillion bits, a day when she lost her closest confidante. I shiver to be in her shoes, I feel and emphatize with her predicament.

Why has society denigrated into this? What has religion got to do with this dispute? Is violence the answer to all the worlds' problems? Will setting up bombs and killing change the status quo? I always wonder what is going in the minds of the bombers, prior to detonating the bombs straped onto their bodies? What is their motivation to blow up themselves and other innocent victims? What is their justification? What possible excuse can they come up with to justify the dispicable act?

Whatever it is, these people need to answer not to anyone but to that little girl, the hapless, crying girl who has just lost her mother. Look her into her eyes and tell her the justification of your actions. Tell her what you are doing is right and just. Tell and convince her that the death of her mother, though innocent is justifiable. Please tell her.

May God Bless her soul and I pray that all good things will come her way. I will pray for her everyday. I will pray.

Concert

I haven't been to many concerts but I attended one last Saturday, a concert that emphasised and themed on love. This concert is by a our very own Malaysian export, Fish Leong. As funny as it seems I am no fans of her genre and certainly not of any mandarin songs and I find it pretty preposterous having to attend the concert if not for my brother in law who happens to be the overall organiser which invaribly means free tickets!

The concert started late as it was just next to the venue where the finals of the Malaysia Cup is being contested between the state of Selangor and Perlis. Now there is where I should be, whipping a frenzy with the locals, shouting and cursing diarrhoeating expletives and certainly not attending a concert of someone that I didn't even knew existed! As it is driving there is a nightmare with so many haphazzardly parked vehicles a few kms from the venue as well as unbelievably ignorant policemen. Needless to say many turn up late but luckily due to the foresight of the concert organisers, the concert was actually delayed for an hour to faciliate the arrivals of the fans.

I actually didnt know any of her songs, which is funny as I was one of the few people that actually parked my ass on the seat through the whole concert, while everyone was shouting and on their feet. I reckon I must have portrayed myself as a total nutcase, or worst, total spoilt sport!

I reckon all in all attendances for this is not that bad, and it was an experienced by itself to see so many people actually singing and gyrating to her songs. Her songs are pretty monotonous and too commercialised which is good if you aren't as selective musically as I am. I enjoyed it in a different sort of way.

Two songs happen to caught my ears and it's called "Yong Chi" which translates into "Courage", and "Fen Shou Kwai Le" which literarily means "Joy after Splitting". Both which is easy listening. The most memorable thing to happen during the concert is having a bloke that actually proposed to his girl friend on stage! My! It was a spectacle by itself. I wonder what possessed the chap to garner enough courage read "yong chi" to propose to his 6 month relationship in front of 30 thousand strangers! Really have to give in and salute to his "yong chi". He naturally got the answer that he was praying for, which is good for him. Post proposal, one fan yelled out the song "Joy after splitting", much to the chargrin of the couple but which contributes to the hilarious episode. It will be comical if that song was sung immediately after the proposal part, but it wasn't, and another song entitled, "Ming tien wo huay chia kei ni la" or "Tomorrow I will marry you", which was apt in this instance.

All in all, it was a memorable experience, my only grouse, the jam post concert and the rowdy Selangor fans!