Striking a Balance

I have been busy lately, having to check in and out on a patient of mine. She's one of the few patient that I have under my care that is on my lists of home visits. I have been treating her since I started practising in this area. She was fine until a few days back when her health suddenly deteriorated. It was early this morning that she passed away. I wasn't surprised with the change of events but that doesn't make me any less sad.

I guess people does moves on and hopefully to a much better existence. I wonder as a person who has been constantly numbed with having to see so much negativity everyday, it's imperative that I keep myself sane and my spirits high. I always wonder what is the driving force that makes me want to wake up every morning and go to work? Is it the sole desire to make money? People would come to me for various stages of discomfort, pain and distress. I bet no one see so much negative energy and aura in a day and as curious as it may sound, financial gratification seems to be the least important driving factor behind my zeal, as crazy as it sounds, I think without compassion I will still be unable to force myself to be up, early in the morning and come to work.

But having said that, I am no angel, nor I am ruthless to only consider monetary compensation. I think as in any profession, what I am hunting for albeit unsuccesfully, is a sense of balance, financial gratification as well as being able to make a difference in helping the sick, infirmed or an uncomfortable person feel better. I might not be able to cure what is bothering the person, but at least I can do is to offer my kind words, my solace as well as my compassion, just like to the old lady that passed away this morning.

I prayed that I had in my 2 years of giving medical care to the old lady, helped her in some ways, hopefully alleviate her sufferings as well as treated her with compassion and care. To the her, I wish her farewell and goodbye, may god bless her soul and shine upon her.

This just in

This is just in, fresh and hot out of the oven, ignoring goverment calls to stem increase in all essential items, the drug companies are at it again! I should give up to them for being able to screw us, the doctors; with a smiling face, Heck I reckon I need lessons in screwing any person with a straight face! The hidden fact is that drugs as I can recall, has been increasing for god knows how many times, and this, just in from a pharma company that had revised for the 2nd time this year prices for all medicine effective end of this month.

I wonder why do they have to increase everything a few times a year? Is it true that we can offset the costs to the patients? I mean can we defend ourselves and not portray ourselves as a pack of hungry wolfs devoid of any humanity by increasing our charges? I think most of the doctors and private practitioners will grit their teeth and absorb the price increase, I have been doing that for a very long time, since time when I first venture into private practice.

Sometimes the exact reason of why they have to continously increase prices perplexed me. I mean is costs of producing a generic medicine really that high? It's reasonable if it's an original and have trademark owed to the pharmaceutical companies for the expensive R&D that they have to pour in, so reasonable to recoup the capital that has been poured in. But generic medicine? I reckon these area bunch of wolfs masquerading as a sheep. Paying no intellectual property rights, they are pirates that copy people's hard work and selling for a huge profit. I am sure many would shoot me with this comment but seriously something needs to be done.

I heard arguments like marketing fees are expensive, costs of employment is getting more expensive but heck is this even an excuse, I bet the bigger concern nowadays for them is their commitments to their shareholders. I remembered when a certain crony of a goverment happens to develop a brainchild of labelling every single medicine with a sticker and that if anyone can do the maths costs a few cents each! imagine the profit! And who absorbs the fecking costs? Yup you are right, The stupid Doctors.

The lighter side of things

After being stuck in "hole" for more than a year I can safely say that I tend to look at things at a lighter side, a different perspective rather than get uptight and pissed over every little circumstances. Well, the amount of shit that I had over the pass year has in effect made me pretty numb to bad news. That was the reason that even when I did get burn on the share market I was pretty cool about the whole thing, well bitching aside, I reckon I held on pretty well.

Someone smsed me early this morning to tell me the he has consumed some, actually loads of sleeping pills with some alcohol. I was concerned about it then and it tend to set me aback and made me unable to sleep, why is that so? Upon pondering further I relaxed and cooled down, as I know that even ingestion of a dozen or more tabs of sleeping pills would only make you sleep and drowsy for a few days unless you have some severe lung disease. It wasn't bothering me that much then,but I wonder why does everyone tend to think of ways to self destruct when it comes to things that they cannot handle? I mean why not cool down, refocus and take bad things that happen as being a lesson?

Rather than loose sleep over things that you think is bad, why not take it as perhaps whatever had happen, happens for a reason? For whatever reason it may be, would be for the better? Isn't that a more proactive and positive way to look at the mishaps that had befallen rather than taking the brunt of it as being wholely bad and suffer instead? Fact is that life as we know it are pretty short and being unhappy and to continously delve in depression and woes will only lead to self destruction. Well that's just me after having seen the "light" at the end of a long long tunnel. I am happier now, being able to let loose and take any bad things to come my way, stride by stride, one day at a time.

You know who you are if u read this, I just hope and pray that whatever that has been bothering you, depressing you or plain irritating you, it'll soon past for isn't it always that the sun shines brightly after every heavy downpour?

Tenets of a Relationship

I have been active in the real estate for the past couple of months and the things that I've learnt there is not confined to merely real estate investing. For instance if we were to extrapolate and apply some of the principles to our daily lives, parellels can actually be seen.

Take relationships for example, it takes time to build rapport and also to gain a potential life partner's trust and confidence, but it only take an incident to evaporate whatever trust and confidence a person has for the other party. Drawing from this a developer needs to do loads of marketing and do some showcase development in order to gain investors' confidence in them, but need but an incident like the crane that landed on an executive's car to break all myth about their reputation. I mean isn't this the essence of being involved and persuing a relationship?

There are upsides and downsides as well in any relationship and after exchanging some ideas and views with my "hot" date and I found there is more than meets the eye, hence there are stories that need to be unfold ever so gently over a period of time. This is how a relationship builds on in my opinion. The foundation in a highrise must be strong and hence in a relationship as well. As can be seen with time, there are 2 scenario that can be achieved, one when you get to know her too well to conclude that she isn't the right one, or second when you feel so darn comfortable with a person that you just cannot live without her. Thus both sides need to be frank, open and to approach a relationship without lies and secrets.

How does a relationship survive? I always have the opinion that communication is one of the pillars of a successful relationship; due to work commitments many couple now a days never actually communicate, prefering to spend their leisure time shopping, gallanvanting as well as holidaying. It would be better to sit face to face over a cuppa and just plain .......... talk. No expensive restaurants, no Brad Pitt and Angela Jolie fighting over their ideals in the silver screen, don't even need a resort and a holiday to actually communicate. Is chatting online an effective way to communicate? in my honest opinion, ..... NO, it isn't. I reckon anyone can speak like and angel over the net, typing beautiful poetry, even verbose words just to entice a person to be interested but emotions will only show with facial expressions. Hence the downsides of chatting.

Understanding is also a very, very important tenets on an effective and ideal relationship, but seriously I haven't met anyone that I feel is understanding even until now. The problem is that old adage of growing old together seems to be just that,... outdated and old. People are so charged up with wanting things their way even to the extend to being mercenary like, just to achieve what they want. I am no angel and deep inside I surmise that I have this "qualities" as well. With deep understanding, both parties can therefore give and take.

I am unsure if in this life I'll meet anyone that fits into this outline and criteria that I have set. That is not to say that the "hot" date that I had last Saturday has anything to do with what I am bitching about now, it's just that I find my criteria a bit unmalleable and unflexible. I am unsure if I should compromise and settle down with one that doesn't fit into the criteria or if my adamant outlook is too stoick to actually cause me to miss the boat and remain single for the rest of my life, your take?

Monday Blues

It's a new weekday and another page in the history of my life. I tend to flashback some old movies that actually shows the calender being torn one sheet by one as the day moves on. I have been writing and pouring my thoughts as well as emotions into this blog for the past couple of months. My oh my, how time flies, it just felt like a couple of days ago that I initiated this blog.

In the next couple of months, I will be 36, wow! If I am lucky I would be halfway though my life! When I was still in the goverment schools, I always wanted to grow up faster but looking back retrospectively, I would now prefer to forever be in school, studying and without a care in this world. Back then, the only thing that I need to do was to study *ahem* as well as pouring my eyes on the female secondary school kids and get those grades that I wouldn't be a punching bag for. Lady luck as it seems was smiling on me then, I never did badly in any exams and hence never ever got socked even once by my parents. Maybe during that time I had inadvertantly prayed that whatever blessings I might have in my lifetime is to be spent there and then, which goes to say a lot about my present state now. Ah well it isn't so bad that I am suffering or something, just that I reckon whatever I touch and put my hands on with, it doesn't go smoothly as I want it to be. I bet all these boils down to timing as well as blessings. Right?

Okay, didn't actually want to write anything on my "hot" date that I had last Saturday night as I don't know how the other "party" might react. It was nice to meet up with someone with a diverse background, with different experiences and upbringing. I have the opinion that this is a very nice girl and heck it would be my pleasure to get to know her better. Anyway to cut a long story short we had some drinks in the Curve and it was kinda fun, talking and yakking like I always do. I for one, am someone who can turn on and turn off talking whichever way I want even if the other person is none receptive towards what I yak about. Maybe I am too talkative but at times it does work to break the ice, so to speak. Were there any sparks? Difficult to say although I would want to think it did, but hell I bet no one with a right frame of mind would think a meet up constitutes anything more, right?

Half empty or Half full?

Something interesting pop into my chat screen, I was as per usual chatting with a friend that had incidently lent me a HK series that I have been blabbing around on a few of my previous posts and something incidently caught me off guard.

It sounded funny and it started off like this, the fact is that I had gone through 20 episode of often destressing and at times irritating legal drama only to learn that there is NO ending. I asked for it only to be told that there isn't one, not now not ever. Darn I was damn pissed but what fueled my "pissiness" was her reaction, excerpts from out conversation " it's okaylor, just take it as having 20 hours of entertainment!", I mean WTF, what is THAT supposed to mean? My question remains that would you consider it to be having gone through 20 hours of entertainment and enjoyment, hence Half full, or 20 hours of wasted effort? For me the choice is obvious. I would surmise that it's 20 hours of irritation, 20 hours of loose ends, and 20 hours of my life, wasted. This isn't about whether the movie or drama is good, it is about CLOSURE! Allow me to explain and elaborate what makes me think that.

Hypothetically would anyone rather enjoy something especially when all build on a climax only to know that there is NO climax? Would anyone go and have sex, doing all the hard work but end up not being fulfiled? I think not, at least not for me, I wouldn't want to watse my time, putting all the effort, organising a nice candlelight dinner, choosing the right songs, cooking dinner, choosing an expensive wine, setting the right mood, upping the ambience and tempo only and only to find out that the "date" that I am supposedly having this wicked romantic candle lit dinner with has to rush off for a meeting? I mean all the preemptive preparation is wasted, the effort lost, the mood gone. Drawing parellel, would this be term half empty or half full?

In a similar vein, take this next scenario, when a obstetrician does a ceaserean section to deliver the baby, but in the process, inadvertantly cut the face of the baby, creating a scar on it's face, would u take it as "oh well, at least ur baby is safe" or would u think that it's ludicrous to think like this? buggerall my baby is scared for life matey! I'm going to sue the hell out of you. Well that was what my chat friend told me and it pisses me off. What is half empty and what is half filled? I tend to take it as a snub on my face. I reckon sensitivity is an issue, the least that a person can do is to keep quiet and not trying to say something that liken to a slap on the face and fuel the issue more.

As for the friggin 20 hours of sheer and utter waste, all my anticipation lost, the eagerness and the building of climax has indeed became anticlimax. I think I will forget about the 20 hours of mental torture and abuse and get on with my frigging life. So there!

Death of a workhorse

For an off day, I managed to get tied up pretty good or bad whichever way you want to look it at, I wonder what the fuss was it with the inccesant jams that I got myself into. Being within the first year of mum's death, we were required to do "Cheng Ming", earlier than the custom required 10 days before and 10 days after the actual day.

My jalopy has been given me problems lately but on this particular day, it behaved rather erratically, I drove it to the graveyard and after the obligatory prayers and the likes, then, out of the blue, all problems started, it started shuddering, sputtering and the engine cuts off ever so often; cold sweats beading with the advancement of every minute, until I managed to get it to the workshop, truth be told, the grease and oil covered workshop never looked so divine before.

All is not that bad, looking at the brightside, the very least was that I managed to prod my "pranching horse" to the workshop. Have to constantly remind myself that I have squeezed whatever that is left in my good 'ole work horse. It's really time to move forward and get myself reacquainted with a newer more upmarket ride. Sometimes I have to learn when to let go, and not look at things in terms of dollars and cents. I will start hunting for a alternative starting now. My jalopy is still running by the way and it even ferried me and a "hot" date which I had every inclination to write about but was wondering if it's appropriate?

The day that was Friday

It's 8.00pm and counting, barely 2 more hours for me to park my butt in my chair. Sometimes I wonder if I were to sit here any longer would my butt envelope the plastic swivel chair? I reckon that would be something worth writing about in blogs to come. On hindsight today has been a pretty chaotic day, not because of an overwhealming increase in the number of patients but simply because of the fact that I was so embroilled in looking at share websites as well as my counters.

The thing about shares is that it is never easy to master. I actually paid my hard earned money for what a friend coined, "tuition fees" to learn about stocks investment in Malaysia. Nothing is as it seems and it could go either way in a short duration of time. My eyes, blurry from monitoring the numbers in the screen, is currently hazing and tired. Oh yes I got rid of the rest of the share that I had been loosing money in, the damage or tuition fees in this case contributed, was 9,250 Rm. A respectable amount but nothing, I mean nothing compared to the friend of mine that had chalked up in his quest for a degree in "share education"!

Apart from shares I was also, for the pass few days engrossed in making manic posts in my favourite forum, I reckon the stress attributed to the hike of petrol and the ever increasing lending rates, many of the people active in the real estate forum had sort of "lost it". There had been loads of inappropriate but sarcastically funny posts which although sarcastic, actually lightens and makes me laugh when I read it. At least whilst typing furiously away in the forum, a sense of satisfaction can be realised. I know it's a bit funny but heck that's how I spent my time during the pass few days. Patients very extremely thin and the takings, unfortunately thinner.

On a much brighter note, I met someone lately, well not actually met, but have been chatting with the person for the pass few days. Although we have never met up and only been chatting for less than 5 days; I could sense some warmth in our conversation. I think I am a better communicator when it comes to typing and chatting online, verbally I rate myself second if not worse. She sounded like someone who in my opinion is worth getting to know better, perhaps meeting up would even change my present predicament. I think I would elaborate more later in my subsequent postings.

But being Friday, I am stuck as to not know what I am doing 2 hours err one and half hours from now? I have every inclination to go out and unwind, maybe have some drinks to ease the soul from the horrors that was the past week, but heck I reckon it would be funny if I were to embark on this escapade alone. I think it's shameful not having friends to go out with but then, who can blame them? I will have to buck up and start meeting up with people and I think the girl that I have been chatting with the past week will be a welcome change.

"A"s and it's relevence

The state of education is such a scam nowadays, every students seems to be out scoring each other in terms of the numbers of 'A's that they can score. In the recently concluded SPM examinations the numbers of As are like a huge, more than those scoring Cs and passes, is this even normal? I wonder if having a string of As actually makes a difference in their future. All this are pretty ludicrous especially when more and more substandard graduates are jobless. It goes to speak volumes with the state of education in our country.

There were a 50% increase in the students that obtains As in either one or more subject! I remembered during my time as a student, scoring a distinction is like something to be really proud off, the number of top scorers from each state is perhaps a few, not as many as hundreds of them; During my time SPM; or "O" Levels a student can opt to sit for a maximum of 9 subjects and thus a limit of A's will be confined to 9. This year it has become a laughing stock, having students who scores 15 A1s! Who can manage 15 subjects? I reckon either I am outdated or the education system is NUTS! I reckon it's the latter.

But does securing 15As have any bearing in what they will become in time? Does it mean that those securing so many As are going to be successful in life? I reckon this puts up more questions than answers. I can bet with you that it doesn't matter. Why? I can tell u frankly I wasn't one of the top students whilst I was in secondary school. I had a more laid back attitute, bothering on the "tidak apa" side. For my SPM, I think I had only 5 As or something like that. Not to brag about anything, but heck if u ask me, I cannot remember anything that I've learn or studied for the stupid exam that was SPM. It doesn't prepare me for my university days and to the contrary I find our educational system flawed to say the very least. Perhaps instead of merely striving for grades don't you think it's time to exhort students to think for themselves? Take it from an average student, relax and enjoy yourselves in secondary school, the real deal begins in uni!

Creative constipation

Well, as most would probably notice, I wasn't posting much lately, I reckon I'm down with a writers' block or my favourite phrase, creative constipation. I wonder what makes me ahem, constipated? I reckon coming back from an overseas trip made me want to write more, but perhaps the down turn in my investments as well as being so engrossed in the China serials actually take the "wind" out of my sails, so to speak.

Now I am back, reattempting to write but I am not sure where all this typing and clicking is going, which leads to the uncanny problem is what am I trying to lash out this time? Hmm, let me think, what about the inappropriately priced Honda Civic? Damn it's a good looking car but for 130 odd ks it's sure one heck of an expensive indulgence. What makes me extra pissed is that for the same amount of a kenari, we can obtain this in the good ole' US of A. That is on addition that they could probably pay off in less than a year, with their average income per capita. I couldn't imagine what are the basis of the pricing structure that we have now, I reckon arguments that has been put forward is neither appropriate nor holds and water.

The fact is on comparison, we are paying through our nostrils, our fuel are not cheap, lately an increase of 15 % plus, and we do have an insane network of tolls, and on top of that road taxes, all in all very detrimental to the average joes that needs to move around. And the funny thing is that the people are taking it and slogging just to be able to put food on the table. I should be political about this but seriously it has sort of used up my confidence in the ability of the new administration to pull things together. Coming to the car, the prices absurd. It goes to show that for the same amount that we paid for a lousy 2 bit made in Malaysia cars that are neither road worthy or comes equipe with safety gadgets like airbags, ebd and abs, it goes to show how concerned is our goverment regarding the well being of the population. With so many road deaths it's ludicrous to blame it solely on the indescretion of the local drivers, but infact the blame should be more in our govermental policies.

Now, I wonder with that short and incensed lashout at the automotive policy would I no longer be subjected to this creative constipation, heck more to that, I might be subjected to Kamunting for voicing my opinions, Damn I should keep quiet and keep whatever thoughts to myself. :P

I told you so

Buggerall, these words have been ringing in my ears. As it is, I had been holding on to my shares and not wanting to discard it for a small lost but heck within 2 days my small loss have been translated into an even bigger lost. Am in the process of salvaging whatever value there is remaining in my portfolio of shares.

I know, I know, I had been wanting to rid myself of this investment but for the love of God, I didn't, the exact reasons is also lost to me. Maybe deep down I had an instinct that it would regain whatever lost in value that it had accumulated but heck after plunging in value by a hefty 69.6%, I reckon that's the last straw, I am cashing out with whatever cash value that it still had. All in a very poor investment choice.

Frankly I haven't been burnt much in the local share market but having it's value dip from a high of 56 cents which I bought to a low of 17 cents now, I think my capasity to absord it's depressed value has overshot it's boundaries. Fact is the owners of this company had screwed investors one too many times, and if I am not mistaken, it's value would plummet some more. Just hope that I can get out before it hits 2 cents! kekekekekeke.

All in my enthusiasm about getting a nice, watch has evaporated as soon as it has started, damn chialat!

March update

This is the first post of mine in March, I haven't been in the right frame of mind to post anything prior to this, not because that I have a lot of worries or anything, certainly not because that I am too busy having loads of patients to see and most certainly not because I am making tons of money. I have been distracted by watching too many China made serials............ Period.

I had in these 2 weeks finished a 30 episode HK series loosely titled "The Hotelier", and also a 30 episode epic battle infused, historical drama set in the Ching Dynasty called "Kang Xi Di Guo". The Chinese language is artistic, filled with flair and also exudes a certain romantic aura. I am captivated with this lovely language and needless to say because of that,I am a bit disappointed that my command of this language is depressing at best. Now that is a different story all together. I think there are loads of Chinese around not able to speak Mandarin, my only comfort is that I can; albeit not that fluently.

Anyway the serials depict the life and death of the 2nd Ching emperor, Kang Xi and his reign, I sort of had a renewed interests in Chinese history after my trip to the Forbidden City. I think we as Chinese need to embrace our roots and learn more about the historical aspect of what make our fatherland what it is today. I think understanding what prompt my dad to make the voyage to NanYang as South East Asia was called those days, will keep my time occupied. I wonder how deep does my family tree goes to? Perhaps I might even be connected to one of the forefathers of Modern China, who knows, never late to learn more about our roots, right?