35 years and beyond

At exactly the same time three and a half decades ago, I took my first cry and my first breath. I cannot imagine that it's been 35 years already. I should be proud of that for at least I am still breathing and healthy eh? Its amazing that I've been born during the seventies and it was the begining of the decline of the popularity of my favourite pop group, the Beatles and the Korean war, we were poor then, living in a wooden house that we call home. I could still distinctly remember the adjacent small hut which is our toilet. Of us being couped up in the small tiny room watching "Happy days" and the "Betamax" video tapes. I could remember running around and climbing trees on the a plot of land which now housed a high rise condominium. All this seems like only a few years back.

I have experienced the laid back early seventies to the craziness of punk rock and bad hair days of early eighties. I vividly remembers the eighties as I was in secondary school then and I had lost my dad when I was in secondary 2. The eighties was fun, catching up the pop scene. I remembered wearing baggy pants to school, and also folding up my sleeve on my school shirts. Ah,the rediculous hairdos, the baggy and oversized pants! the pop magazines, "No 1" and "Top of the Pops", The British Pop Groups of Tears for Fears, Wham, Spandau Ballet and the year where Bob Geldolf started Live Aid and Band Aid for famine in Eithopia, USA for Africa's "We are the World", Canada's Northern Lights with "Tears are Not Enough" and also Chinese worlds "Ming Tien Hui Keng Hao". Come the end of the decade when I was initiated into the world of dating. I had my first relationship then.

The nineties of celebrities like Kurt Corbain, went off like warp speed. It was when I was in Medical School, in India. That was the time of my life! Being a student and having a great time being a student. It was also then that I started work, in a Hospital and that was my initiation into the working world. It's now in a new decade, and the mid of of 2000s. I am still working, but on my own. I look back and have no regrets. I hope this is a begining of better things to come, and with journeying into the unknown world of being 35, I hope it would be in an experience that I will always hold dear in my heart.

The approaching day

I will no longer be eligible to migrate to Australia, well at least not with the extra points that can be accorded by my brother. I am going to be approaching the cut off point a few days down. It's funny when we look back at our lives how much do we actually achieve? For someone approaching middle age, I really need to play catch up with the more successful younger generation. Sure I can put every blame of my lack of success both socially and financially to me starting at a relatively older age as compared to the average people, but hey I think I will not find excuses for myself, at least with identifying what I'm deficient in, I will perhaps change and do much better when I'm 35?

What have I been lacking? I reckon I am trying hard and striving hard to achieve what I want in life, bottom line is that, I lack the opportunity , "luck" as well as the timing is never right. I always believe in going all out and working hard in order to achieve financial freedom but sometimes luck plays a vital role in everything. I have seen people going all out, working like a dog, but never seems to be having the opportunity and the chance to actually make it. It's life I reckon but still, in a level playing field I am pretty sure for effort and zeal, they will not lose to anyone. Okay on a more serious note, yup I am still languishing in oblivion, still not achieving what I would have expected in life, thus far, but I promise myself that even without luck, I will give it my all.

What am I to do then? I reckon taking one day at a time is the best approach to my predicament. I have to always remind myself that time will come when I can reach my goal of being financially independant. Other than that is to never give up. I know I won't. For the work and challenges of the coming year, and being 35, with zeal and alacrity, I want to announce to it, Here I come!

The Day After

I am still affected by the phone call somewhat. My head is still zinging from lack of sleep and having to work long hours doesn't actually help in my emotional recuperation. I think it would take a while longer before my system is able to digest and compute the information that was divulged yesterday.

Life goes on, it always does and as it is, from time immemorial it has been moving on. And that's what I plan to do as well, move on. It's somewhat depressing to hear news like this but from a different viewpoint and perspective I'm happy that she has found someone she loves. There is nothing more to do than to wish her all the best and congratulations.

Woke up early today as I had to send my brother to Sentral. It has been a month since he came back and it's time that he goes back to Perth. Mum's funeral and ritual is complete and he has got to go back to his kids and his work. I wonder when will be coming back, as the common binding force, which is mum and dad is no more here. But I reckon being a close knit family, we'll make sure we visit each other regularly. Anyway Perth is not like a few days away from here and fares are cheap as well. I'll sure that we will meet up once a year. I think things like this needs effort and heck I will see to that it'll materialised.

It's November and 2006 is just round the corner. I am looking forward to this as I reckon 2005 hasn't been a good year, at least for me. Too many bitter memories as well as challenges that would, I assume lasts me a lifetime. Right now, my only job is to start counting the days, and remind myself to take one day at a time.

Snatched!

A frantic shout, a loud voice informed me that there is yet another patient. But this is no ordinary patient. A man came and starts banging on my clinic door demanding to see me immediately. I was taken aback as I thought it's another man demanding money or extorting from me which in any case is the norm, I went out ready for any eventualities and I discovered that he was saying albeit incoherrently in a very excited way that there has been a snatched thief victim and she had been stabbed!

I went out and saw the victim, and my initial response was she was stabbed? where in? I took a look and found that she had been stabbed in the abdomen, which is at the lower part of the stomach. I had to stem the bleeding and that too with some gauze to pack the wound. It looks okay and not actively bleeding and I told them medicolegal cases like this with abdominal wounds are not manageable in a general practice clinic. He was contemplating dumping the patient in my practice and telling me to call for an ambulance! My, this is taking "washing hands clean" to a different level and meaning! This bugger seriously think that it's my duty to pick up their mess? How's inappropriate can people get? I know he's being a good samaritan to bring the lady to my clinic, but then again, if he have some amount of sense, he would immediately send her to the hospital!

I think the general population have the misconception that clinics like mine can do wonders. I think it's best that I reiterate that it's not the case. I have very bad cases finding their way to my clinic and at best I can do is to stabilise the patient and ask them to transfer the patient to the hospital. At times things like this irks me and it's depressing in the sense that I can't do much, even if I want to. I have many things to consider, the problem is ranging from lack of facilities to the medico-legality of managing patients of this sort. Any medicolegal cases, it would be more appropriate to send to a hospital. I cannot imagine managing an abuse case, or the case of Nirmal Bonat, the housemaid that has been viciously abused. Fact is, I can settle the medical part of the problem, but the legal implications are enormous. I have to be present in court and be a witness which is rediculous. I am no forensic expert in this sense, neither am I a psychiatrist. I reckon if I were to have patients like this, the immediate thing to do is to write a referral, that too after stabilising the patient.

I think our economic state is not too rosy. Times are bad and when it is, jobless and retrenched individual has no other option than to take the drastic action to rob, snatch and pillage whatever they can. It's a sad case that essential goods are expensive and leading a honest life is by all means not easy. Since inception our PM has raised basic commodities so many times that hardship is falling on the hands of the rakyat. Ah well, whatever reasons that it is, snatching and robbing is not and never the answer. I reckon thieves gets bolder and bolder nowadays due to lack of policing and bad security in and around the country. We get hordes of reports regarding these in the local medias and it's time that law enforcers wake up and do something. Meanwhile, the lady is but another statistic, physical wounds will heal but the emotional as well as mental part remains a big Question.

Product Launch and Dinner

On Saturday evening I was invited for a product launch in a swanky Italian restaurant in downtown city centre. It was raining cats and dogs and as usual the event started late to facilitate the arrival of the invited guests. I do wonder if it's not raining would the guest turn out late as well, if I am not mistaken I reckon they would. People including medical professionals are time adverse.

As it is, I thought it would be a low key event. I assumed due to the unforgiving weather and the scattered flash floods and the traffic jams, the event would be thinly attended and the fact is that I couldn't be more wrong. I reached on time and was really taken aback by the amount of people that attended. It couldn't be more "high" keyed if it's held in a upmarket and rediculously expensive fine dining Italian restaurant. I am perplexed and appalled that there are kids and children running around, spouses and also maids tending to the childrens. I mean, is it supposed to be a drug launch for Doctors and medical professionals or is it a family day gathering? Did I seriously walked into the wrong function?

I wonder are the people so enthusiatic to learn about a new medications or are they strictly in it for the food? Hmm, from my observation it had to be the latter and I suspect that the food will definately be insufficient. The talk was interesting enough, but I find the attentiveness and the respect of the fellow attendees to the speakers lacking. It's rude and inappropriate and the conduct unbecoming from a professional. Mobile phones are going off inccesantly, chattering, all in, projecting a chaotic ambience and an uncongenial atmostphere.

Most of all I am sickened that people lack the acumen and common sense that events like this are supposedly for the benefit of doctors and strictly a non family outing. Perhaps I am mistaken but seriously can people be so frugal and scrooged like, that they cannot afford to go there at their own expense? I for one will never be in it for the food. I would be happy to have a plate of "Char Keay Teow" anytime, rather than queue up for the food. Needless to say, upon completion of the interesting and informative talk, I took my leave going back for my favourite maggie mee.

The 3rd week

A slight drizzle, a car parked along the road shoulder and initiating our way through the willowing and the soft movements of the overgrown grasses, tall and haphazzardly littered all over the hill, we made our way up hiking on the softened mud, a collage of yellowish colours and avoiding the overgrown and protruding dense foliage. It was an experience all by it self, but the instead of being gay and having fun, the feeling was actually solemn as we were making it back to mum's grave for the 3rd week, a rites that we as Chinese practice.

It has been 3 weeks since that turning point in my life and we are again visiting mum's grave to do some prayers and to check on the cleaning and planting of the grasses on the freshly covered pit. The tombstone looks clean and distinctly different from the surrounding faded, lichen filled and neglected tombstones creating a stark contrast to mum and dad's grave. It stands out against in backdrop of old and ill maintained other plots. Some had cracks and broken headstones, with creeping weed and tree branches sticking out of the plot, giving it a errie and surreal atmostphere.

We went about our prayers, lighting up incense and burning paper money. The gravestone with mom and dad's pics were serene and beautiful, the smoke from the incense creating an ambience of peace. I almost forgot how dad and mum used to be when they were together, dad would be the quieter one and most of the time patient with us, never lifting a finger nor raised his voice whenever we were overboard or naughty. In contrast and exact opposite, mum is different, having to chase after us kids and scowl at us when we are uncontrollable. It reminds me that although their marriage was arranged and life had been difficult, the least was that they were happy and satisfied with having a bunch of silly kids and having enough food on the table.

Time really flies and that was a long long time ago, and now it's only a tablet with a photo to remind us of them. But I reckon they must be at peace now since whatever things that they had set out to do has been completed and they are now together again after a lull of more than a quarter of a century. I can distinctly see mum and dad smiling.

Sales and ethics

A name card and a small tap on the door indicates yet another salesperson to see me. I have in my years of practise seen and interact with a fair share of medical representatives. I could remember most of them, with some being pretty inexperience and fresh out of college, few are sincere, most are pretty aggresive in wanting to push a new medicine, a new product or a new use of an existing medicine.

Fact is, many aren't trained well, product wise; diplomacy and friendliness is something that they are exploiting for the sheer purpose of closing a deal. Some strut around in their nice outfits and holding PDAs and nice handphones, many are fresh, pretty face with nothing more than that. I actually understand the motivation of chasing after sales and quite frankly I emphatize with them. The difference between hitting the target is pretty huge and the monetary rewards high. But having double standards is surely pretty myopic in outlook? Well at least I would opine. I was brought up to think that there shouldn't be any double standards in treating anyone especially a client, perhaps a small minute number of people think like me, but utterly devastating is that, most don't see eye to eye with it. I had a few unpleasant experience with them and quite frankly I am pissed.

Why is it that doctors who treats them courteously and appropriately always get the raw end of the bargain? I always pay my medicine bills on time and there was one incident that I was being chased for payment even when it isn't due. I always wonder if these people mistake being nice and friendly as being a pushover? What the heck, I never see them going after bad paymasters. And why is that? Maybe talking and communicating with them in a friendly manner makes me a dolt? Perhaps I should be mean and treat them badly? It makes me wonder.

There are also some representative that keeps all the small gifts and premium items all for themselves and their family members. Mind you, I am least interested in all those "gifts" but I was pretty pissed when one of them casually gave me a plastic file and a lousy pen as being a "gift" with best compliments from their company. My, the cheek that person have! Do they really think that I would want a plastic file and a lousy pen? or even a keychain with a light source? I have to bloody remind them that these supposedly "premium" items are meant as a marketing tool and a gimmick to promote their medications, and giving it to me is advertising. I reckon I must look very interested and enticed with the 2 dollar premium "gifts".

Some are so blatantly figure mad that it's a pain to even talk to them, they would pester you to buy their products, never even stop to think that if it's neccesary or appropriate for a setup like mine. I feel some are mercenary like, seeing me and upon knowing that I am unable to purchase big lots, never ever come to visit again, not that I am complaining. Maybe it's true that solo practice clinic like mine will never be able to bulk purchase, but I am happy with the performance of my practice. Who cares for people like this. I reckon I would not even entertain the ones who practice double standards. I reckon I would have to be meaner. The next time around, I will chuck the name card away.

Domestic Violence

I witness something that I reckon I wasn't supposed to see. I mean things like this happen right between our noses daily but most turn a blind eye towards it. There are times when we read it on our daily news and dismiss it as part and parcel of life. It's just that person's problems and in a way it is, eventhough measures have been taken to educate the public on it, it's sad that it's is still happening.

What did I actually see? Behind the wheel while waiting for the traffic lights, I saw a altercation between 2 person in a stationary car parked along the road shoulder. Let me elaborate, as I was driving back from market-ing last Saturday, I happen to pass a black car, a pretender which is modified beyond comprehension, adorned with blue strobbing lights and huge spoilers that makes me wonder if it helps to "lift" the car and fly away when it is speeding, but that is another story all together. Coming back to this, I noticed a woman walking towards and entered into the car and out of the blue the black coloured national car started shaking violently and I noticed that the female's head has been pushed down towards the gear and the man inside was like hitting and punching her! OMG, what is happening? Was it a domestic dispute? I reckon it can't be but whatever it is, I cannot see the virtue of solving a problem by resorting to violence.

By then I was contemplating intervening, but as it is, being a KLite and also someone who is trained and cautioned not be to a busybody, I refrained from going to the woman's aid. I noticed the woman sobbing before I was honked as the lights turned green.

It made me felt bad post witnessing this fight. I wonder why things cannot be solved amicably with dialog? What is our world heading to when a woman can be abused on broad daylight even in the confines of their car? It made me felt bad the whole day just be witnessing this and made me wonder why didn't I intervene. I felt compelled to do something but as it is, nothing I can do can make a difference. The fact remains that the said women, and only she can make all these abuses stop. I think many women think that they are suffering and fighting a silent fight. This is actually not the case. Most people emphatise and understands this and the first step would be to come to terms with the abuses and not hide behind a veil of fabricated believes! This is the first step to a series long initiatives leading to the recovery of both emotional and physical wellbeing. There are so many support groups for Violence against woman that it's imperative she seeks help. Meanwhile I wonder what would happen to the poor lady in the car? I hope and pray that she will be prudent enough to be aware of her alternatives and seek help. I will pray for her.

I Have Enough

Another day drawing to a close, another leaf in the chapter of my life, another weekend. I always have the opinion that I am a dreamer. Not those glassy eyed and people on a "high" but a dreamer, full of ideals and ambitions. A dreamer in this sad and materialistic world. I think my life so have has been a dream, a dream that has countless ups and downs, and you know what? I reckon I am thankful for having my life, complete with all it's downsides as well as upsides.

Someone might find it funny that I am grateful for having a life like this. In fact musings aside, I feel utterly blessed for having to experience the bitter part of life, the bad part and the negativity of it.We live at the time when the headlines is plastered with the huge bold letters, screaming "TERRORISM", the sufferings, materialistic and the irony of life. Why would I still be happy? I think part of me is thankful that I have had a blissful life, with its' little ups and downs, and I think I am appreciating the ups more due to the downs.

By comparing to a really bad day, eventhough life isn't 100% perfect, I must say I have a good day today. Eventhough business is not good, eventhough I am bored without much to do, without a social life, without an "other" half but comparatively I have had a good day. It's times like this that people starts complaining about how bad their lives are which is right if they compare it to another more successful and affluent person who has it all. The question remains that had they ever wondered the problems that the other person has? The grass may not neccesarily be greener over the other side.

I will never exchange my life with another person for I am wholly and fully satisfied with mine. I reckon I had an "enough" life, having everything that I need and nothing that I want, therefore making the things that I have even more meaningful and valuable. I've had enough bitter experiences to make me cherish the life that I am currently having, enough disappointments that can make me appreciate my success, enough sickness to make me feel healthy, enough sadness to make me feel happy, enough friends to keep me occupied, enough money to make me feel rich, enough patients to keep me busy, enough time to let me rest and the most important, I have enough character to make me appreciate all this.

What am I worth?

Something that has been perplexing me for a very long time, as it is, I am 35, a professional, operating my own practice and in the eyes of a lot of people, am quite successful in my own right. I went for some supper in and around Imbi area and what struck me as fascinating is the number of nice and imported continental cars around the place. What stump and stupify me even more is the drivers; mostly fresh out of school/college/university, in other words, youngsters! I wonder where do they get the money from? Is making a living so easy that so many young people nowadays can afford to splurge around in a quarter of a million ringgit rides? I must be missing something, or I must have completely lost focus, seriously.

I wonder in the eyes of people like these, where do I stand? I am struggling and as it is I reckon many honest and hardworking people are feeling the heat, what magical formula and investment strategy are they subscribing to? I wouldn't mind zooming around in a beemer at all, but frankly if I could afford I wouldn't be ferrying around KL in an old jalopy, right? I wonder if my investment portfolio is so pathetic that I am not even sustaining myself let alone basks in utter luxury? I do wonder.

Sometimes I envy people having everything provided for them, people born with a silver spoon, getting a headstart and a spring board in everything they do. I for one haven't these luxuries, but even if I have, I think I wouldn't ever take it. I am more a person who wants to make it on my own right, not depending on contacts and cables, I reckon working and striving hard myself is what I am most comfortable with. I understand the intricacies of connections but I will network myself.

Maybe these young people doesn't actually understand the virtue of making it on our own, or perhaps the value of money? Or maybe every single cent that they earn is plonked into the car installments? But whenever rainy days comes, they would be the one who goes bust first? It makes me wonder why are so many young people a bankrupt? Maybe the lifestyle and the amount they earn doesn't commensurate with their lifestyle? I have to be more conservative, being 35, I would have to think of my future and my loved ones first and foremost. Paying my property would be the first thing on my mind!

Into the first week

Well, time really flies, it has been a week since my mum passed away, and it feels just like yesterday when she was literaly forcing the huge glass of milo with a raw egg into my mouth. I remembered this distinctly as I was a sickly child then when I was still in school. The yucky and uncooked egg gave me an unpleasant after tatse that can be still tasted even up to now. Well memory lingers on. That was so long ago. Gosh! It almost felt like yesterday.

Mum is gone, dad is gone, and now I am alone. It's been a unprecedented week for my whole family, emotions ran high, tempers flared when opinions differed. I reckon everyone wants to be heard, some want to conduct the proceedings in a strict vegetarian set up, others wanted roast pork for fear of not being grandiose enough, Some want the traditions and taboos followed to a "T". For me, I would want things to just be focused on one important thing, the bottom line is, mum is laying inside the caskets and trivial things like this are being argued? How superflous and ludicrous can people get? Frankly I shed tears, nay, it was actually streaming, pretty unlike me. I am supposedly quite used to witnessing things like this, but I reckon it's different. I am human after all, having all the emotions all bottled and cooped up inside me. I am no less a man that I am now.

In all fairness, I need to confessed that I felt a sense of relieve when she passed away. I reckon she is no longer suffering here and whereever she is going, it would be to a much better place. As Buddhist we believed that she has been relieved from her sufferings and whatever dues that she owed in her pass life has been paid in full. I understand and believed it from the bottom of my heart. I will continue praying for mum and will do my part to carry on the family name. Meanwhile the profound taste of the milo and the eggs is bringing a tear in my eye and make me miss mum more. I will not let you memory be in vain.

Dreadful Day

On the 30th of October 2005, at 8.3oam in the morning, time stood still, at least for me. As life slowly ebbed away from mother, I watched agast as to what is happening, but was unable to do anything to prevent her from slipping away. I debated whether to try to revive her, constantly having little conflicts within myself, but I did what I think is best for her and I decided against doing CPR, decided against inserting tubes and medication, I decided to let her passed on with dignity, to no longer suffer, to be no longer in pain, and to move on to better life. It took another 3 minutes when all form of cardiac activity fluttered away. At exactly 8.33 am in the morning, the woman that carried for for 9 months, the woman who endured unspeakable pain to deliver me, the woman who toiled to provide me with love and affection, the woman who guide me to be what I am today, is no more. My mum passed away peacefully at 8.33am on the Sunday morning.

My mum, blessed her soul is someone that has done wonderfully in her life, living up to a ripe old age of 83, and having so many children that it's incredible that she can shower equal love and affection to each and everyone of us, providing us with oppertunities and chances.

I wish to thank all that had offered their sympathies and condolences and as much as I feel sad, I know mum wouldn't want us to wallow in sadness and instead want us to be happy and move on with out lives. For mother, I will do my best and will never let you down. May the blessings of the triple gem be with your soul. Sadhu Sadhu Sadhu.