5.7.2005
Another day, another new hope. As it is, my daily routine is ahem, pretty much routine. as per usual, the day started off with an flurry of activities before I am ready to leave for work. I had a nice tea with my friends the night before and I am able to sleep a bit more as compared to previously. Maybe my system is regaining it's cycle once again? I still do think of previous happenings and it's taking it's toll on me. I think I may have develop some amount of asthenia.
I left for work and reached five minutes after the time I was supposed to open. I have been late more often recently, majorly owing to the recurrent sleepless nights. When I reach my office, I'd expected my staffs to be there waiting for me, but I was sadly mistaken. She had come late again and this has invariably cause my moody temperament to be even worse. I reckon I have to do something to prevent this from ever happening again. I wanted to be nice to them, but it seems instead of understanding and cooperating, they are taking advantage of me. Will definately need to implement something so as even in future when they come late, some amount of penalty would actually discouraging them from ever becoming habitually late.
I have decided to give myself one last effort to try to communicate with my ex. I had sent her a card asking her to meet me 2 days after her birthday in one of the nitespot that we frequented last time. I reckon this is the last ditch effort (to do what in my opinion) to pacify my feelings and my guilt, if any. I half expected her not to turn up and eventhough I am very keen to reestablish contact with her, this will be the ultimate litmus test for our love for each other. The fact of the matter remains that I really truly loved her. This is unmistakable, and I took this period of time away to realise it. I know I was the initiator for the breakup and I take full responsibility towards this action of mine. I have to say that I was too crowded with her possesiveness and her neurotic behaviour that actually forces me into a corner and I simply just "lost" it. The events that unfold then was actually a catalyst that made me even angrier and with the constant taunts and the barrage of inccesant calls in the wee hours of the morning actually made me lost all my inhibitions and I lashed out at her. I reckon on a different perpective, we are both guilty of loosing our way. The problem is that trust remains something that needs to work on.
What is my ideals at the moment? What do I want to achieve with this meeting? If possible I want to set things right, I would want to tell her exactly how I feel and what we need to do. Compromising and reaching an accord as to what needs to be done in order to start everything from scratch. I want that, but I am unsure if she even want to consider. I reckon I am lovesick in this aspect. Maybe a lot of things took a swipe at my perspective, my mum being an integral part of this mess. I know being a 35 year old man, people expect me to pick up my life and just move on. I tried but the feelings is so intense that I need to at least arrange a meeting with her to at least to pacify myself that I had actually exhausted all avenues that is humanly possible. I wonder how someone who previously profess their unending love to us, can change so drastically after a few months? Is this even normal? I reckon in my part, when I love someone it will not be easy to "kill" this feeling so easily, hence my course of action.
After this debacle and if she fail to turn up for the "meeting". My next course of action is to refocus my energy and my attention to other things in my life. I will try to move on and not initiate any contact with her. I think I had done enough in wanting things to turn out. I also understand the maxim that a hand which clap alone doesn't make any sound. Which in effect takes two to tango. I am only but one party that wants things to work out, but the other party is not even interested. I will not kill my feelings for her, but I will pledge to do my part in moving on and breathing in every morning and living without her. With time and only time, it will hopefully feel less hurtful and I will be able to wake up one fine morning and reflect on my actions and laugh it off. I do hope and pray this day will come, eventually.
I also plan to write an email to her sometime this week before my scheduled meeting with her to voice my actual thoughts. I know and think this is not the most appropriate thing to do and it would probably be even detrimental but I think I would at least finish what I wanted to say. I know I am loosing what grounds that I have previously but I simply have to take this course of action. If I don't do it, I know I won't be at peace with myself.
I left for work and reached five minutes after the time I was supposed to open. I have been late more often recently, majorly owing to the recurrent sleepless nights. When I reach my office, I'd expected my staffs to be there waiting for me, but I was sadly mistaken. She had come late again and this has invariably cause my moody temperament to be even worse. I reckon I have to do something to prevent this from ever happening again. I wanted to be nice to them, but it seems instead of understanding and cooperating, they are taking advantage of me. Will definately need to implement something so as even in future when they come late, some amount of penalty would actually discouraging them from ever becoming habitually late.
I have decided to give myself one last effort to try to communicate with my ex. I had sent her a card asking her to meet me 2 days after her birthday in one of the nitespot that we frequented last time. I reckon this is the last ditch effort (to do what in my opinion) to pacify my feelings and my guilt, if any. I half expected her not to turn up and eventhough I am very keen to reestablish contact with her, this will be the ultimate litmus test for our love for each other. The fact of the matter remains that I really truly loved her. This is unmistakable, and I took this period of time away to realise it. I know I was the initiator for the breakup and I take full responsibility towards this action of mine. I have to say that I was too crowded with her possesiveness and her neurotic behaviour that actually forces me into a corner and I simply just "lost" it. The events that unfold then was actually a catalyst that made me even angrier and with the constant taunts and the barrage of inccesant calls in the wee hours of the morning actually made me lost all my inhibitions and I lashed out at her. I reckon on a different perpective, we are both guilty of loosing our way. The problem is that trust remains something that needs to work on.
What is my ideals at the moment? What do I want to achieve with this meeting? If possible I want to set things right, I would want to tell her exactly how I feel and what we need to do. Compromising and reaching an accord as to what needs to be done in order to start everything from scratch. I want that, but I am unsure if she even want to consider. I reckon I am lovesick in this aspect. Maybe a lot of things took a swipe at my perspective, my mum being an integral part of this mess. I know being a 35 year old man, people expect me to pick up my life and just move on. I tried but the feelings is so intense that I need to at least arrange a meeting with her to at least to pacify myself that I had actually exhausted all avenues that is humanly possible. I wonder how someone who previously profess their unending love to us, can change so drastically after a few months? Is this even normal? I reckon in my part, when I love someone it will not be easy to "kill" this feeling so easily, hence my course of action.
After this debacle and if she fail to turn up for the "meeting". My next course of action is to refocus my energy and my attention to other things in my life. I will try to move on and not initiate any contact with her. I think I had done enough in wanting things to turn out. I also understand the maxim that a hand which clap alone doesn't make any sound. Which in effect takes two to tango. I am only but one party that wants things to work out, but the other party is not even interested. I will not kill my feelings for her, but I will pledge to do my part in moving on and breathing in every morning and living without her. With time and only time, it will hopefully feel less hurtful and I will be able to wake up one fine morning and reflect on my actions and laugh it off. I do hope and pray this day will come, eventually.
I also plan to write an email to her sometime this week before my scheduled meeting with her to voice my actual thoughts. I know and think this is not the most appropriate thing to do and it would probably be even detrimental but I think I would at least finish what I wanted to say. I know I am loosing what grounds that I have previously but I simply have to take this course of action. If I don't do it, I know I won't be at peace with myself.
posted by mercuri2000 at
11:02 AM
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