3.7.2005

I have found a new way of writing in this blog, I think it would be more appropriate if I were to write about yesterdays's happening today, rather than updating a few times a day when something interesting happen. Well, yesterday was a Sunday and patient load was normal for a Sunday. I decide to open on Sunday instead of closing it because the clinics around my place here all opt to close on this day, and hence when I am open, I would sort of corner the patient as it would be "Hobson's Choice" and there wouldn't be any alternatives to my clinic. I think and feel that this is the better way rather than closing on Sunday and having to slug it out competitively with the other more established clinics.

As usual, patients were keeping me going, albeit on and off, I reckon it will at least lead me away from my worries and thoughts. A close friend caution me on the fact that I have in my possesion all the cardinal signs of depression. I want to thank her for her concern and I also want to tell her that I am indeed in depression. I had known it for sometime and I am actually fighting and trying to overcome it. I had a previous episode of the same thing, but it was long long time ago, when I too had an emotional meltdown when I broke off with my ex of 6 years. I reckon I am a person who is emotionally not that independant. When I do fall in love, it would be wholeheartedly and with total devotion. I guess this is my plus point as well as my curse. I know that I will live on to experience another day and I am just waiting to break out from this depressive state. What happen to me? I guess with so many negative things, it's easy to lapse into a state whereby everything looks, sounds and tatse bad but i know something that my mental strenght is pretty high and can withstand a lot of crap. It started off as a small misunderstanding. I always feel that she is very impatient and doesn't understand me. When I was with her I was pretty unhappy, but now when I broke off with her, I am miserable! I wonder if this is common occurance? If I am miserable now then what good is it to break off with her. The bad things that she had done to me is no longer in my mind and all the good times that we had is inturn taking a more significant place in my mind. Am I going slightly mad? I sure hope I ain't. I don't think it's good to tell everything at the moment and I will disclose more along the way.

My life nowdays feel like being trapped in a virtual space. I cannot cross this as I am bounded by my commitment to my mum as well as my business. If given a choice I would definately take some time off to rejuvenate my senses and take a break from my emotional baggage. I reckon this beats going to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist anytime. I don't think they are able to shrink me and get me over my current inappropriate state, I always have the opinion that only I and I alone can do that.

I had wanted to go for a late cup of tea with my friends and all of them are not able to spend time with me. I reckon I don't blame them, all have their own families to take care and spend time with. Hearing grouses from an old man like me is something most is unwilling to deal with. I don't know when my mood is going to change and as it is, it's not likely to change at least for the next couple of weeks.