20.7.2005

Am writing the blog today, just thought that since I have nothing much to do, having only seen 1 miserable patient since opening until now, I thought it would be good to express what I feel now. I was chatting with a friend from China just now and I could distinctly detect some animosity towards me. I wonder why are people like that? or should I specifically ask why is females like that? I am no expert but I find females very difficult to decipher and understand. I am sure that I didn't say anything out of line and I am unsure as to why she reacted the way she reacted. I am totally in a blur as to why am I treated this way. Perhaps it's best to just agree with them and get on to the next topic? Extrapolating what has transpired I infer that we as men, cannot be opinionated at all. I simply couldn't understand what the bug fuss is about.

I reflected on my 35 years on this world and it's sad to think that I haven't even begin to understand what is going on in a woman's brain. I have failed miserably when it comes to understanding this subspecies. I am sensitive I reckon but as it is their thought process works in mysterious ways. I think probably my ex is similar in the sense. She always accuse me of being insensitive to her needs and I always give in to her demands. Maybe, just maybe that she is taking me for granted? Being tolerant and giving in to any whims and fancies doesn't mean that I am without any stand nor I am devoid of any opinion. It's just that sometimes I feel it's better not to create any friction by continously argue about something both are so passionate about, issues that tend to create some drift with our feelings towards each other.

Coming back it's 2 pm and still I have only seen one patient. It's times like this when I feel the most depressed. I am feel wasted and totally "used" when I am sitting here and not even making anything worth my while. Why did I choose to be a doctor anyway? I used to think of all the noble things about being able to help other people with their medical problems. The fact remains that I cannot even help myself. I am still stuck here without financial security, without a partner to share my life. I wonder what worst thing that could still happen to me? I don't feel depressed but I do feel somewhat "spent".

I have been asking myself that with the type of smses that was sent to me by my ex, would I still go to the place to meet up with her? I am more than 100% sure that she won't come, but I reckon I would still go and wait there. It would be stupid and silly, I know, but I feel that it's my way of dealing with it. I have to go in order to pacify my heart which haven't been at peace since the day that I broke off with her. It is still bothering me, and I am suffering here. What else can I do? I know for a fact that she isn't as sincere when she was with me, but that didn't keep me from developing real feelings for her. I have always thought that with time she would settle down and treat me better and become more matured, But alas, she didn't and I reacted by wanting out. I really thought that with the time out from each other it would actually "force" her to grow up and come to her senses. I wasn't more wrong in coming to this. My staff said something that actually makes me feel dreadful, she mentioned that my ex wouldn't have any problem looking for a boyfriend as she is pretty, I agree with her totally, my ex is as beautiful as she can be, and I felt shitty when I imagine her being with some other guy, holding hands and exchanging kisses and affection. I really hate that.