12.7.2005
Today is Tuesday, 12th of July. Another day of work, another day in this world. I haven't been writing about myself yesterday and I reckon it's a welcome change from my daily grouses. I think alternating between my grouses and the events unfolding around the country and the world would be refreshing. I woke up feeling refreshed as I had some drinks the night before, no ciggies though, I am planning to cut that down. Also weigh around 65kgs and my neck still hurts like hell. I think I am getting older and my system takes a longer time to hear, similarly my skin problem has not exactly improved that much. I wonder what the heck is wrong with me? Perhaps there is a total shutdown of my body? I am a doctor and I am also mystified by my condition. Maybe what I need is company?
Came to work and there was a slight jam. It's a bit unnatural to be caught in the jam on the way to work as I travel against the flow of the majority of cars. Perhaps it was raining the whole of last night and many people woke up late? I reached my clinic a bit later but I don't think it makes any difference as there isn't anyone waiting to consult me. I open and started on the daily grind. Nothing much, patient was more or less pretty similar to previous days and I had my usual activities in the morning, coffee and also the papers. Nothing much, apart of the usual happenings around the world, the bombing in London, the usual unrest in Iraq and South Thailand, the Sino-China politics as well as the issue regarding North Korea. I think when u read enough, the thing to do next is to anticipating what will happen globally next. I wrote on my blog when I was a bit free and with nothing to occupy me. I have begun to take this as a daily ritual and it's good in the sense that I have at least a sounding board for my opinions and grouses. How in the right frame of mind would want to hear the inccesant complains of a 35 year old burnt out? I reckon this is as best as it could and can get!
So what else is new? Tuesday seems to be the day that everything takes a backseat. No action, patients that see me are mostly suffering from the standard Cough, cold, fever, and sore throat. Nothing much to it, plenty of fluids and rest. Well I find a practising GP boring and not challenging. What else can I do? I am in my "prime" without a other half, without money, with a monotonous job and what else can I do to change the status quo? I have been asking the same question for so long and I haven't a clue as how to change this. I reckon cracking my head somemore will yeild the exact answer.
Business is getting better eventhough it's at a slow pace. I think I see an average of mid to high teen numbers of patient and it's not that bad considering I have been practising here for slightly over a year. I am praying that eventhough I don't get satisfaction in my work, the least is that it would be financially rewarding and it seems to me that it's going at the right direction with that latter. I hope that I would be making some actual money over the course of next few years. I could then cut down my timings and concentrate of looking for love. I am a looser when it comes to this, imagine having a big L over my forehead, It initially was a big D when I was a kid but now it has incredulously change into a L!
It'll be in 2 weeks time that my ex celebrate her birthday, and 2 days later is the scheduled meeting. I am pretty sure that she will not turn up but nonetheless I am still hopeful. I am of the opinion that when there is no hope, there is nothing to look forward to. I am as curious as to why I still miss and love her so? Maybe the rejection and the cold shoulders is exacting a revenge on her part towards me? I always wonder the last time when we were together was actually based on what? Was it lust or love? I always thought it was the former as we enjoyed our sessions so much. Perhaps I was totally mistaken, I now KNOW that it was actually based on emotion and love. I reckon this is as clueless in a relationship that I could get, failure in my part as a 35 year old man!
I wonder what is she planning for her 25th birthday? I think might be a getaway somewhere or perhaps a romantic dinner somewhere with another person? I always wonder about things like this when the someone who has been so close to you suddenly isn't anymore? I feel like shit when I think about it. I ponder about my options and I think I have tried all avenues and exhausted every expense to get her to change her mind. I think I have already lost. Anyway life still goes on eventhough there are times when we feel out of place, out of check with our emotions, we still need to carry on living and breathing and also doing what we have to do. The thing that got me thinking is that I am worried for her. She is so very gullible and I am afraid that she will be taken advantage of. I may not be the best person in her mind, but I was at least sincere and I reckon I never cheated on her before. I tried treating her well but everytime I got angry when she's in her neurotic self. Retrospectively I should have approach this relationship in a different light and address her self confidence first and gain her trust before I embark on getting further into the relationship. For this I have failed and failed miserably.
She is basically a very nice girl but was hurt many times along the way which kinda explain her lack of self confidence as well as her overly protective attitude and distrust for other people. I had wanted her to change her perception but I was perhaps too eager and impatient. I think in this aspect I had not did the right thing. Why is she like that? The main problem is that she was in her mind an unwanted child. She was conceived when her parents aren't married and due to the pressure of a child, they had gotten married. But in reality, it's not the pressure of having her that force their parents to get married, but in reality they loved each other. Perhaps the misconception that her parents was forced into matrimony and the thought of actually of an abortion is too much for her to bear? She was a problem child when it comes to this aspect, always with the believe in mind that she was unwanted. She henceforth becomes difficult and not wanting to listen to her parents which is why she was being cared for by her granny. I should have understand this when I started going out with her. Somehow I overlooked this important factor. I can be so stupid and pigheaded sometimes.
Along the way she has many trials and tribulations, she was taken advantaged of by a friend, someone that she trusted. I am sure with this, she might have developed some amount of animosity when she wants to let her feelings decide. She has to put on a mask in order to preserve and protect her emotion. Perhaps this is a usual primordial reaction a person takes when they are being hurt repeatedly? I didn't do my part to address this problem. All in all she has to fight and fend for herself. All this while she has been searching for love and she was involved with one that she was considerably happy with, her first ex. I could distinctly remember that she told me that she loved him so much but was totally hurt when she found out that he has been cheating behind her back. He was involved with other females and was sleeping around. Also he was abusive and tend to hit her rather frequently. I think this past relationship issue has actually taken a toll on her emotional psyche that it will be next to impossible to correct her perception. I was given a chance last time to address this to love and shower her with confidence but this was the chance that I didn't actually take. I have failed in this aspect, gravely if I may add.
It's now back to where I have started, feeling guilty and lonely due to my past mistakes. I am not saying that she is perfect and I had done so many wrongs to her, but I didn't take my cue and help her to change her shortcomings. I bear full responsibilities in this. I have instead of helping her get rid of her problem, compounded the problem further. I didn't want to be involved with her anymore and I pushed her away. I am worried that she will be trapped again with another fruitless and bad relationship but I have tried letting her know that I loved and want her. She will hate me for breaking it off with her and she will never come back. I know and understand her that much. All the while this being at the back of my mind, I am still hopeful though, praying that with some divine intervention and miracle, she will come to her senses and forgive and come back. Till that day comes I will always love and cherish what we had and continue to pray for her wellbeing.
Came to work and there was a slight jam. It's a bit unnatural to be caught in the jam on the way to work as I travel against the flow of the majority of cars. Perhaps it was raining the whole of last night and many people woke up late? I reached my clinic a bit later but I don't think it makes any difference as there isn't anyone waiting to consult me. I open and started on the daily grind. Nothing much, patient was more or less pretty similar to previous days and I had my usual activities in the morning, coffee and also the papers. Nothing much, apart of the usual happenings around the world, the bombing in London, the usual unrest in Iraq and South Thailand, the Sino-China politics as well as the issue regarding North Korea. I think when u read enough, the thing to do next is to anticipating what will happen globally next. I wrote on my blog when I was a bit free and with nothing to occupy me. I have begun to take this as a daily ritual and it's good in the sense that I have at least a sounding board for my opinions and grouses. How in the right frame of mind would want to hear the inccesant complains of a 35 year old burnt out? I reckon this is as best as it could and can get!
So what else is new? Tuesday seems to be the day that everything takes a backseat. No action, patients that see me are mostly suffering from the standard Cough, cold, fever, and sore throat. Nothing much to it, plenty of fluids and rest. Well I find a practising GP boring and not challenging. What else can I do? I am in my "prime" without a other half, without money, with a monotonous job and what else can I do to change the status quo? I have been asking the same question for so long and I haven't a clue as how to change this. I reckon cracking my head somemore will yeild the exact answer.
Business is getting better eventhough it's at a slow pace. I think I see an average of mid to high teen numbers of patient and it's not that bad considering I have been practising here for slightly over a year. I am praying that eventhough I don't get satisfaction in my work, the least is that it would be financially rewarding and it seems to me that it's going at the right direction with that latter. I hope that I would be making some actual money over the course of next few years. I could then cut down my timings and concentrate of looking for love. I am a looser when it comes to this, imagine having a big L over my forehead, It initially was a big D when I was a kid but now it has incredulously change into a L!
It'll be in 2 weeks time that my ex celebrate her birthday, and 2 days later is the scheduled meeting. I am pretty sure that she will not turn up but nonetheless I am still hopeful. I am of the opinion that when there is no hope, there is nothing to look forward to. I am as curious as to why I still miss and love her so? Maybe the rejection and the cold shoulders is exacting a revenge on her part towards me? I always wonder the last time when we were together was actually based on what? Was it lust or love? I always thought it was the former as we enjoyed our sessions so much. Perhaps I was totally mistaken, I now KNOW that it was actually based on emotion and love. I reckon this is as clueless in a relationship that I could get, failure in my part as a 35 year old man!
I wonder what is she planning for her 25th birthday? I think might be a getaway somewhere or perhaps a romantic dinner somewhere with another person? I always wonder about things like this when the someone who has been so close to you suddenly isn't anymore? I feel like shit when I think about it. I ponder about my options and I think I have tried all avenues and exhausted every expense to get her to change her mind. I think I have already lost. Anyway life still goes on eventhough there are times when we feel out of place, out of check with our emotions, we still need to carry on living and breathing and also doing what we have to do. The thing that got me thinking is that I am worried for her. She is so very gullible and I am afraid that she will be taken advantage of. I may not be the best person in her mind, but I was at least sincere and I reckon I never cheated on her before. I tried treating her well but everytime I got angry when she's in her neurotic self. Retrospectively I should have approach this relationship in a different light and address her self confidence first and gain her trust before I embark on getting further into the relationship. For this I have failed and failed miserably.
She is basically a very nice girl but was hurt many times along the way which kinda explain her lack of self confidence as well as her overly protective attitude and distrust for other people. I had wanted her to change her perception but I was perhaps too eager and impatient. I think in this aspect I had not did the right thing. Why is she like that? The main problem is that she was in her mind an unwanted child. She was conceived when her parents aren't married and due to the pressure of a child, they had gotten married. But in reality, it's not the pressure of having her that force their parents to get married, but in reality they loved each other. Perhaps the misconception that her parents was forced into matrimony and the thought of actually of an abortion is too much for her to bear? She was a problem child when it comes to this aspect, always with the believe in mind that she was unwanted. She henceforth becomes difficult and not wanting to listen to her parents which is why she was being cared for by her granny. I should have understand this when I started going out with her. Somehow I overlooked this important factor. I can be so stupid and pigheaded sometimes.
Along the way she has many trials and tribulations, she was taken advantaged of by a friend, someone that she trusted. I am sure with this, she might have developed some amount of animosity when she wants to let her feelings decide. She has to put on a mask in order to preserve and protect her emotion. Perhaps this is a usual primordial reaction a person takes when they are being hurt repeatedly? I didn't do my part to address this problem. All in all she has to fight and fend for herself. All this while she has been searching for love and she was involved with one that she was considerably happy with, her first ex. I could distinctly remember that she told me that she loved him so much but was totally hurt when she found out that he has been cheating behind her back. He was involved with other females and was sleeping around. Also he was abusive and tend to hit her rather frequently. I think this past relationship issue has actually taken a toll on her emotional psyche that it will be next to impossible to correct her perception. I was given a chance last time to address this to love and shower her with confidence but this was the chance that I didn't actually take. I have failed in this aspect, gravely if I may add.
It's now back to where I have started, feeling guilty and lonely due to my past mistakes. I am not saying that she is perfect and I had done so many wrongs to her, but I didn't take my cue and help her to change her shortcomings. I bear full responsibilities in this. I have instead of helping her get rid of her problem, compounded the problem further. I didn't want to be involved with her anymore and I pushed her away. I am worried that she will be trapped again with another fruitless and bad relationship but I have tried letting her know that I loved and want her. She will hate me for breaking it off with her and she will never come back. I know and understand her that much. All the while this being at the back of my mind, I am still hopeful though, praying that with some divine intervention and miracle, she will come to her senses and forgive and come back. Till that day comes I will always love and cherish what we had and continue to pray for her wellbeing.
posted by mercuri2000 at
11:41 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home