18.7.2005

Monday the 18th of July, a fairly good day, as usual the morning blues and the daily grind to force my ass out of my warm bed to get to work. I have to promise myself not to be affected by my moods anymore. I surmise that I would be feeling the same for the next few months. I wonder why am I feeling tired and moody even when things especially business is picking up? I think it should be my lack of social life as well as my fatigue with having so many sleepless nights.

As it is, business is getting better and I have probably seen something like 20 odd patient and for a Monday it's not bad. Some drug representative came to see me and I spend time talking to them and at least time flies away faster like this. I think this has invariably make me think less about my past. Nothing much to shout about, it's work, work and more work. I reflected on the fact that my life is getting similar day in and day out. Wouldn't it be loverly (taking my cue from Lerner and Lowe of My Fair Lady) that I can somehow break this monotony? I wish I could actually drop everything that I currently have and just simply escape somewhere to rejuvenate and to collect my senses? I think claming a burnout is a misnomer, feeling more like the living dead, zombie so to speak. Everything seems to be on overdrive and I totally feel exhausted with my life.

Life's is funny. I have been alive for 35 years now and am still unable to grasp the real meaning of it. As it is, we are born in this world, having been decreed and sentenced to death at a particular time, the biggest question is WHEN? If u look at things, eventually everyone dies, one time or the other, why should we feel miserable with our short time that we have in this place? Isn't it better to just be happy and forget what is bothering us and enjoy to the fullest? Even intriging is the fact that I know this is but a certainty but yet like everyone else I still get sucked into the bitterness of a relationship as well as the unpredictability of life! What is wrong with me? I have been trying to overcome this feeling of sadness as well as bitterness with the things revolving around me and it's poignant to say that I am still unable to come to terms with my loneliness. It's times like this that makes me feel the most dejected.

Some headlines today that helps take my attention away from my woes. There are reports that there are 4 individual whom are sharing amongst them 28,000 Approved Permit to import tax exempted or low taxed permit with each making 20 to 40k per vehicle. I think this is a blatant act of discrimination towards the other races in this country. I am in a bind now, why can't I benefit from the goverment? Some great man once said, "ask not what the goverment can do for u, instead ask urself what u can do for the goverment" I think I have done enough to not even consider going to vote in the election. It's things like this that makes it more disgusting.

After work I went to look for my friend, spend sometime with him and to have some small talk. I think I am feeling a bit down as I am lonely and have a lot of time being alone, which translate into having lots of time to think of her. This is by far my biggest problem. I think if I am distracted with either having some one with me and also having something concrete to do, I would forget about her faster. It seems to me that every single thing that I do and encounter have her shadow in it, perhaps we really were too close last time? I can see her in all the things that is surrounding me, from objects like my keychain, wallet, posters to the food and places that we frequent. I know I have to get rid of the things but I reckon this is silly and stupid as she has moved on. The bottom line is that I am still on the process of moving on and I tend to be a bit slow as compared to others. I know the day will come when I am free from all the encumbrance of all this but I am afraid that it will be a long way from now. Just praying that it would come sooner and liberate me from my problems.