10.7.2005

Today is not such a bright and sunny day, literaly, It was raining the whole night and when I was up it was a bit misty as well as cloudy. I didn't actually sleep very much in the hotel room, far from what I anticipated. I am not complaning about the hotel, but I couldn't sleep perhaps of my sleep cycle being disturbed with the beers that I drank? I reckon my sleeping pattern is so screwed that only nothing short of a miracle can change the rhythm. Oh I wish to be normal and to be able to sleep like everybody else. I started off with a warm shower in the hotel room, and checking out by 8am, I bypassed the breakfast and I drove straight to work from the hotel. I got lost halfway and double back to the original road and drove via LDP to work. I arrived 15 mins later than usual and the cars parks were already full by then. I manage to find myself a parking spot and squeeze my car in.

Today would generally be a good day as it is a Sunday and I have more or less monopolise this place as I am the only GP opening today. Patient load was okay and was busy on and off. I ended up reading my paper with my coffee and then some articles regarding the bombing in London. Pretty sad nowadays and everything seems to be pertaining to violence and more violence. I think I am sad that I am living in the world that is filled with anger and hatred. My body aches from my jog and I had a sprained neck that is already a few days old but reared it's worst today. I am taking some pain relieve medications to ally the pain. Did I mention that recently I have a lot of medical problems? I am down with muscular aches as well as skin problem, which is actually dermatitis or atopic eczema. I am taking some medication and it has improved slightly, It's used to itch like mad, but I don't actually know what is the aetiology of my problem but I think it must be something to do with the amount of stress that I am undergoing. I have been applying creams and taking oral corticosteroids to reduce my problem. I hope it would soon pass. I remembered my ex having some skin problem as well and I always treated her condition. I wish to be given a change to be concern and to care for her again.

I had to go back home as mum has again removed her catheter again and need to pee. I went back and did the neccesary procedure and she is much better after inserting the tube. I rested at home for a while until the phone rang and I had to go back to my clinic. I saw a few patients on the morning and took a late lunch. Recently I have not been taking food as much as I used to have. I weigh myself in the hotel and I weigh a measly 62kgs. I reckon I am the type that don't have an appetite when I am feeling blue. I have once weigh 75kgs when I was in my previous clinic and I was happy then, It was when I was with my girlfriend and I had a voracious appetite. I don't know if I will ever have one again.

I am in depression again. I checked my ex's homepage in friendster and found that she hadn't accessed her email for the pass 5 days. I know it's none of my business but I am worried that she is with someone and will ignore the email that I sent her. I felt shitty after this and is trying very hard not to feel like that. At this time from the begining to now, I have lost 8kgs, started smoking and drink more than I usually do. As much as I don't want to admit, she is affecting more than I would want to own up to. I reckon I have to somehow wring myself out of this pathetic situation, least I would suffer for months to come. So many things are playing it's role in my mind, is she with someone? Is she having fun and has totally throw me out of her system? I reckon and think that she probably has and it really feels like shit. I have to bear responsibilities for my action. I admit to be at fault here and I regret my action. If only..

It is gradually sinking in that she will never come to the meeting that I have set up. The reality is slowly dawning and I must say that anticipating it is draining me mentally. I end up thinking about what I will do when she DOES turn up? I even entertained the idea of getting down to my knees and proposing to her, Buying her a diamond ring, letting her plan for holiday at least once a year? Am I loosing it? Intellectually I know I am still in control but it's anyone's guess. I am thankful as I am still mentally strong and still able to prod myself back to reality. I only hope to be given a chance to meet up with her and to talk to her. I made a few vows that if she were to give us a chance:-

I will be a vegetarian for 3 months
I will settle down with her by year end
I will let her decide and plan what she wants to do and go
I will go for holiday overseas at least once a year
I will get her a diamond ring to propose to her, something bigger than half a carat
I will shift out with her or even buy another condo in Mt Kiara
I will work less and spend more time with her to enjoy our lives together
I will be more supportive to her needs and what she wants to do
I will love her for all eternity

I am actually preparing myself for the event that she does not turn up. I know I need to move on and I am actually trying very hard. I know I am getting slightly mental but I seriously love her too much and I want her to realise that she needs to have confidence in me and I am different from her previous exs. I reckon humans are like that. When we are happily in the comfort zone, we won't want to change and do what is neccesary to better the relationship. We need stimulus like a fight or a breakup to jolt us back and change. I reckon this is true in my part. I never appreciate and cherish our relationship last time, but this period of time spend alone and thinking actually fast track me to think of what is the priorities and what do I actually want and need. If given a chance I want to tell her that she needn't be so possesive until it wrecks havoc on our relationship.

Anyway all this hinges on her coming for our meeting. I will do what I can and whatever deem suitable to win her back no matter what, if she comes. I guess this is what I can do to give her some confidence. I also realise something, when the feeling is gone, no matter how much we want the status quo to be back, it will be very very difficult but nonetheless I am still trying. Just hope and pray that she knows and understand my feelings. I hope what i do is not in vain and is not futile.