15.7.2005

Wow! today is full of surprises and also IMHO drama laden. I will elaborate more in detail when I get through the initial shock of the thing that happen to me just now. The day started off innocently enough and I woke up pretty early as compared to any other day. I actually reach my clinic earlier than opening time and by then I had some patient already waiting for me! Imagine my chagrin when I have to handle them all alone, without my staff who is late again! My, I may be the most stupid boss in the world! having to tolerate things like this. I reckon I have to impose some penalty so as they would not be late anymore. Perhaps being a nice person is actually detrimental to myself? After finishing consultation with the patients, there were hardly any more activity and I ended typing up yesterdays' happening into my blog. This will be my second posting for the day.

Along the day nothing happen and patients were few and far apart and I had my fair share of reading and posting in my favourite real estate forum. As I've said, I would try calling my ex today and I got around to it at around 5pm. I called her once and she didn't even want to answer! Wow! I wonder how could anyone changed so much until they don't even want to answer a call? I reckon I must have done something very bad towards her. Could it be that I have ill treated her when she was with me. The funny thing is that I felt guilty as I always thought I didn't do justice to her love for me. Did I actually treat her badly? Hmmm, I might have, I am not that sure, but I reckon she didn't treat me as well as I am currently imagining! I don't want to go into any specifics but I have tried giving my all to her during our brief romance but I assume it's not enough for her. I tried being there for her and giving her everything that she wanted but I think she probably wanted more than I could give. Don't get me wrong, she is a nice girl but I think I am just not her type. She needs someone who she can control and possess perhaps, someone not as boring and monotonous as me, someone who could guarantee and give her confidence? I am unsure as to the answer to all the previous questions.

I proceeded to sms her and my heart nearly fell out when she replied albeit after a good half hour! She told me that I am angering and pissing her by merely smsing her! I could never ever thought that what I am doing can evoke such a response from her. I admitted that I must have had a misconception about wanting her to be happy, and being concerned about someone that I had loved and still love. Boy was I so very wrong. I reckon there are two face to a relationship, either it's love or hate, no grey zones in between. She claims that she had moved forward and there is no longer any feeling for me, fair enough. But the way that she replied actually made me realise that I don't know her at all! I don't actually know the person that I had grown to love so much! What the heck must I be thinking? Am I blinded by my love for her? I must have really hurt her so much to actually bring out the best or worst in a person. The sardonic remarks are actually too much to bear. I ordinarily would not even do it to people I loathe. I figure she detest me that much!

Did I have it great the last time, I think the answer to that question is Yes and No. I had been blinded by my feelings for her, obliterating the obvious. I had loved her and incredulously still love her. I think my feelings is something that is beyond comprehension. I made a promise to myself that I will still wait for her on the 29th although I am totally convince 100% that she will not come. It's my unique way of overcoming this and try moving on. I am sad that she is even remotely capable of words like this considering the amount that we have been through. Would anyone ordinarily treat a person that they had loved like this? I mean we were so very close last time until there was talk of settling down together! I know life goes on and what I am experiencing is a small insignificant blip by anyone's standards. But perhaps I am inimitable in this way.

I hope and pray that she will be happy with her life, experiencing good relationships henceforth, and never ever come in contact with as*holes like me. I hope and pray that everyone around her treats her well and pamper her. I hope and pray that she will be comfortable and have anything that she could possibly would want, with all the niceties in life, I hope and pray that whatever her dreams are, would be fulfilled, I hope and pray that she would have a productive and long life. I hope and pray that all blessings will be with her. I hope and pray that what I want for her is a reality. I hope and pray.......