19.7.2005

I am here again, typing endlessly and writing what has happen to me last night. I wonder if it would be prudent for me to write what I feel currently and not what I was feeling last night? Hmmm, basically I reckon there are two ways of looking at it, if I want to squeeze everything inside a blog on what I did the night before, like in a diary, it would make more sense to write the day after, but if I were to jolt down what I feel the same instance, it would be totally logical to write now. Am in a conflicting frame of mine, eventhough the entry is for the 19th, but I am actually feeling different at the moment, so I think I will need to change the precedent here. Maybe not writing my blog everyday would be a good thing. I have decided to write when I do feel like it, changing the topic as and when I think is appropriate. No one will actually read what I have to say anyway, but it reminds me what and when I feel.

Yesterday was one of the slower days when it comes to patient traffic. I think I never even see more than 10 patient. Didn't have anything interesting at all, just the normal cold, runny nose, fever and some with high blood pressure. All very standard and monotonous cases. I was watching some cantonese serials and reading and writing on some real estate forums. Went back at around 10pm and manage a mearge 200 bucks for 14 hours work. I think there are ups and downs in a business and yesterday seems to be on the other end of spectrum. Just hoping that it won't be like that for the next couple of days.

I went back and bought some beers and started drinking. It was kinda good to drink once a while but I think I have to start cutting down on the alcohol units. I am not an alcoholic actually but I do enjoy the after feeling of drinking. It gives me a sense of wellbeing as well as feeling exuberant with my surroundings, far far away from my wretched situation. My sister's friend who happens to be a fortune teller was putting up in my home and I asked her about my fortune. I actually wasn't that interested with my financial future compared to my love life. I didn't actually want to tell her that, but I was more concerned about my relationship issues. I want to be involved again and I want to know if there is something in this world called love? I know it's wrong to tide over what I am feeling now by engaging in a different girl but I cannot tolerate my pathetic situation anymore. I reckon I need to be brutal for self preservation. If I can get my feelings for my ex out of my system I would do anything. She told me that I will have 2 more relationship and it would come as early as October, one will be best suited for me and she will be a bit tanned! Can u imagine? I recall my ex being tan when I first heard this from the fortune teller. I wonder is there any basis to what she is telling me? It is all so very intriging.

I slept at 12.30 am amid feeling a bit flustered and also hoping that October would come sooner. I need a distraction to rid me of the shadows of my past relationship. I wonder if anyone has an experience as unique as mine when it comes to being so in love with some one but instinctively know that the other party is so wrong for us? I don't think anyone's relationship is as distinctive as mine in this sense.