What the Heck!

Well, business has been very slow probably because of the curfew imposed in the areas near my clinic, there are hardly any people walking around and I suspect the disturbances a few days back is still making the residents here afraid to venture out especially at night. That is totally different story all together, but I had because of being too free, managed to squeeze 20 episodes of a Hong Kong drama loosely titled "Lost" in as little as 2 days!!, Yup sometimes I surprise even myself. My immediate reaction post completing this serials is ................ God Damnit!!!!, how irritating it can get? Let me elaborate one particular scene towards the end of the serial.

You see, plots are basically more or less the same, hero in this case an old actor of yesteryears trying, I suspect to make a comeback, and in this particular story lost his child due to overcommitment in his work, and then on top of that lost his wife, blah blah blah. That is nothing new, a few sobbings later, fast forward 2 years after the disapperance, and then things starts unfolding, some plots and subplot etc which is very predictable. That is not the biggest problem, what bugs me the most is the love scenes. It happen that the heroine has a identical sister which is not known to her and her family!! but the hero claims that he loves her eternally and wants to spend the rest of his life with her but at the end cannot even differentiate which is which? This is bordering on insanity, ludicrous and totally inappropriate. How can a person that claims to be so in love not even able to differentiate a party that he loves? Is this even happening? Chialat!

I am sure there are some subtle differences that a normal human can detect, I know I can, certain mannerisms, certain ways of doing things and certain small nuances that makes us an individual. Not even identical twins can reproduce all this. What irks me the most and it still does is how can this even happen? I know for me, when I love someone I would be at least able to detect that person be it after being separated for decades or years. This is instinctive.

I wonder if I am in his shoes, what would I have done? Anyway it's just a serial I know but it never failed to evoke a response with me, I bet, the outcome might be way different.

Whither Materialistic?

Another weekend and another day of rest tomorrow, I wonder if TGIF is actually such a good thing? Sure I will have some deserved rest, but it also means that I will have one less day to cover my overheads. I was chatting with a new found friend over the net and I was taken aback that he mentioned I sounded materialistic like everyone else from my few latter postings in my blog. I might be somewhat since being labelled a failure rather than a success. The fact is that Malaysians as a whole define success with material possessions and being one of them I have to comform to this defination for fear of being labelled "outcast". As in generally accepted terms, a person who doesn't comform is abnormal, and hence a psychotic.

From the perspective of some, I might as well be through and through a materialistic bugger. In effect I always think that expecting something is pretty reasonable in my situation. I am supposedly a professional, mid thirties, with an own practice and in the golden occupation bracket, but no, I am neither here nor there. I am not earning much, barely making 3 thousand a month, and without a pad of my own, and nope, I also don't have any counterpart to share my supposedly luxurious lifestyle with. Is asking for a better life materialistic? I don't think it's not unreasonable to expect something from myself, being educated and a professional(?).

I actually have dreams to serve the people, I even had the inclination to actually join a non profit organisation which is transparent, not like those that I had come across, and definately nothing like the NKFs in Singapore and some of the supposedly NGOs in Malaysia. I am more interested to join some organisation like MSF, which I had admired for sometime. The problem is that I haven't even provide enough for my loved ones to even put this in perspective. I always believe in the old Chinese saying, "To help others one must help ourselves first", so am I materialistic in this sense? You bet I am.

WWW

Well, it is supposed to be the world wide web, but in my own personal experience it should be rephrase to World Weirdos Web. I have so many spammers in my yahoo mailbox that it actually makes this form of communication "painful". I also had unsolicited emails for penile enlargement, invites of sexual romps, lottery winnings, illegal money laundering, and whatever makes people tick. It is totally exhausting, so a request to chat comes as a very pleasant surprise. But well surprise it was but pleasant?

I was actually contemplating initially whether to add the person into my lists of contacts and suffice to say curiosity took the upper hand, and I added. I reckon I should be more stringent in adding people to chat with and I have learn my lesson. It is never clear what a nickname actually means. It maybe be some nice nickname with some hidden agenda. It started off innocently enough and a few seconds into the chat, it happen. I am a kid now, and an angry kid, kekekekeke, sounds funny eh? I, a kid, well maybe the other party is a kid but who knows, with nickname like that it's very difficult to gauge. So in a span of a few mins, I was a kid, a dog a what not and it is suffice to say that it wasn't anything pleasant to hear. I wonder what is the driving force behind people like that.

Bunnywunny did mention that I sounds pretty hardcore and hotheaded while chatting with her, in a nutshell I might be very direct when I am trying to communicate especially when I am stressing a point. I think this is what I was trained to do, no emotions, not sidetracking, no shifty innuendos. I prefer to be straight and to the point. I don't tolerate inappropriateness when it comes to things like this. Unsolicitated emails will be going straight to the dump. Maybe I sound pretty regimented but I think in this place and time it is utmost important. Who knows what lurks behind the veil of anonymity?

By the way, I met with with bunnywunny and we had a nice chat, no verbal diatribe and physical exchange.....................................yet. :P Now for the antispam filter, perhaps I have to start setting up firewalls?

The measure of success

I happen to read some people's blog and how they measure success. If their standards are anything to go by, I have to probably hang myself. There are many ways to gauge a person's success but sad to say I am not passing by their standards. I am neither a head of department, neither a dude that zips around in a beemer. I reckon many would associate being successful with material possesions. I think in this department I failed miserably.

What am I driving? I am zipping, nay crawling around in a 1998, Proton Wira Aeroback 1.3. Nothing fancy, not that I could afford anything other than this set of wheels way back in 1998. This is my first car and darn I was proud of how I could stretch a monthly income of a paltry Rm 1713 excluding tax that I earn a month whilst in the goverment service. Yup, I have been moving around in this for 8 years already and sad to say this workhorse is finally coming to the end of it's natural life. The aircond is not working, the engines shuts down once a while, but I console myself by constantly reminding myself that at least I have something to move around in, at least I don't have to pay a monthly installment to zip around in a spanking new beemer. What didn't I buy one beemer anyway? I don't know the exact reason, I like cars, as in any hormone infueled males, but heck I also know how to punch in the calculator and figure out that owning a set of kick ass wheels in Malaysia is something that is ludicrous, bordering on insanity. Why should I pay so much when it is worth probably 1/3 of it's price? If you ask me, I reckon it's daylight robbery, nothing more nothing less.

So I am a looser I suppose. But darn, I couldn't care less, If I have money I would invest in something else, and if I have tons of money I would be even more careful to avoid letting people know for the fear of being robbed or relatives and friends asking me for loans. Fact is, I am a person that likes to lie low, and doesn't like being in the limelight. Only people that wants to show offs drives around in million dollar cars and stay in wooden houses. For me, I suppose staying in a nicer place beats zipping around in an car, or having a nice kick ass watch like the Glashutte Original Senator watch, or maybe a Lange 1 would be a much better investment.

Meanwhile I wonder how long will my jalopy will continue to service my needs? Perhaps I have to start hunting for another car, err maybe a beemer this time, but most definately a used model?:)

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's day, ya, am wondering what is there to be happy about? I know some are having a lovey dovey time hugging, kissing and making things as fairy tale as it can be, problem is why the heck wait until the Febuary the 14 th to express your love and affection to the one you love, for me anytime is a good time, not Chap Goh Mei, certainly not any Victorian Febuary the 14th. So for the people that only wants to say " I love you" on this particular day, my response to you is SOD OFF! You stingy bugger, go and give you love to your loved ones everyday rather than choosing only today.

Yah, I hate Valentines Day. I am retreating into my shell and gloat now thank you very much. But for those who really have someone to share this day with, someone to love and someone to express your amourous feeling for, I hope you will have a great time, for someone like me, I will be cooped up at work, with only a 12inch notebook screen to keep me occupied. So off you all go and enjoy yourselfs. Bluerk!

Chap Goh Mei

Yup, today is the last day of CNY, which is the 15th day of the lunar calendar, also the last day of festivities. It has been really already half a month since the first day of CNY and to say the least, it has passed like the wind. Time really flies.

Being the last day of CNY, it's also known as the Chinese equivalent of St Valentine's day, Yup we Chinese are a resourceful race, we have everything in Chinese. It's ironic that today is 12th of Febuary and 2 days before the world accepted Valentines. Tradition has it that pretty maidens of yesteryears will be on the lookout for eligible bachelors and it is said that by throwing mandarin oranges, the potential suitors will be in sight. It's more customary than religious and I bet there will be some people actually exploiting this thing. I remembered some companies organising a Chap Goh Mei and selling a package consisting of mandarins+waterproof markers, and candlesticks and red cloths. Needless to say all this comes in a package of 20bucks a pop, both genders would be buying and throwing the males if I remembered correctly will be throwing bananas as compared to the females. Phone numbers are exhanged in the process, as the people both males and females will fish out each other's "fruits" from the lakes. I bet it would be a hilarious occasion, but I suspect the people what grin the most would be the organisers. Wonder if it's on this year as well?

I couldn't imagine that there are so many singles around, articles in the local dailies always harp on the issue that the less number of singles are settling down, perhaps due to the paper chase as well as career advancement. It's but a matter of preference but I reckon at times it does felt kinda lonely especially when u need someone to bitch about. More and more professionals like me are single and I reckon that isn't a bad thing. Basically many organisation will exploit this and comes with packages to introduce people, one of them is even offer packages for dinner or lunch, I wonder if it actually works? packages ranges from 1k odd for a few introduction and I think the party that benefit the most would be the matchmaking agency, I think this is not a bad business to go into eh?

Anyway my resolution for Chap Goh Mei is this, there is no resolution. About concerns from family and friends that is worried about my status, I want to tell them don't worry, I am not bothered anymore. My perspectives have changed dramatically recently and I am happy with my status. Ask if u must and assume if u have to, but I am what I am and I will never bow to pressure to settle down for the sake of being one of the "normal" ones. So be it. That is not to say that I will push away any that comes my way, I won't be actively looking, if it comes it comes, if it doesn't I am not going to loose sleep over it.

What a Day

I think I might really believe that this year is going to a bad year if the first few days of the Dog year is a prelude of what is to come. As in my previous posts, this particular investments is still haemorrhaging, this time it has lost half of it's value. This is definately something to be concerned about and I am really contemplating whether to cut my losses and cash out whatever is left? I am still in deep thoughts. Apart from the bad news in the share market, I also had in these pass few days some really obnoxious and inappropriate females that pinged me to chat, in the ICQ.

I wonder why is there so many people like these around? making and poking fun of other people's misfortune just for self satisfaction. I mean if I am not mistaken, gratification obtained in expense of people's miseries are terms Sadism right? I am as curious as I cannot understand what makes these people tick. It's really pitiable that humans can stoop down so low to the extend of poking fun at vulnerable people, it's like kicking a person after the person had fall down. I am chilling and I am not angry, just sad, sad that people generally lack empathy and compassion.

I might have made enemies lately. I don't actually give a damn what other people think about me. I will never minch my words when I know someone is making use of me, poking fun at me and I will see to it that they know. No names but really it's irritating, at least I think it is. Some might not agree. I find it tiresome to explain and reexplain what I feel. It's difficult that people see me with "coloured" lenses prefering to have a preconception about how I do, how I manage my clinic and how I manage my investment portfolio. I have been labelled "rude" and what not, the state that I had made earlier being what that has stucked in my mind. I reckon being straightforward is something that is a bad thing. My statements can be misconstrued into mocking a person, making fun and what not. I reckon what I know, I will keep it to my self, what I feel I would keep it to myself, what I think I would keep it to myself and what I sense I would also keep to myself. Best thing is to not volunteer any information, not volunteer any advice, not teach, not even say what you think is best. Yup bitterness is part of the human legacy. I am bitter, thoroughly.

I might sound unhappy, in essence I am not unhappy, I am neither happy, just probably I am numb. I reckon I will be numb even when whatever I have is gone. Nothing actually makes me unhappy as I guess the China trip made me realise something. This cannot be explained and I am more patient, and I also don't want to argue with person when a person is so fixated on an idea, some might argue I have a fixated idea as well. I reckon I have, but the bottomline is that I am tired. very tired.

Anyway I am contemplating whether to continue writing anything in the blog. I have been thinking of deleting it, and it has been on my mind for a very long time. Some of the blogs that I used to read has also been removed. This is by no means destructive, I think I have acheived what I set out to do when I started this blog, I have moved on from my problems and now it's hopefully on to better things. I also had started deleting my contacts on my msn yahoo messenger, even in ICQs. I guess the next thing to do is to delete my profiles in Match.com, ahmoi and friendster. Heck even my handphones are being updated, deleting contacts numbers that I never call or receive any calls from. Sounds like I am retreating into a shell? I think I am not. I am just washing myself clean.

Dark Wednesday

I never understand why Wednesday is a dark day, at least for me, today I reckon whatever doubts that I have had about Wednesday is once again affirmed. As in any other day, It started off normally, I had to be buggered out of bed earlier as this happens to be the day that our mourning period is due, hence we are officially out of mourning. Tradition says that we have to at mourn a certain period and for my mum we opted for a 100days period. It is 100 days since mum passed away. Ironically this is also the same day for my dad's death anniversary.

Funny thing is that we cannot pray at the same time and hence I have to rush back from my clinic, and thus being caught in a horrendous jam. It was so bad that I have to take an hour to reach home for a normal 5 minutes drive. Wonder what is happening? It's bothering on chaos, traffic lights are not functioning, I reckon even the drivers are not functioning. Maybe I was irritable and I tend to notice things a bit more when I am in this present state of mind.

Coupled with the fact that it has been an extremely quiet day at work, not a single patient, and also when there happens to be one, who wanted to do an xray of his arm. I did the neccesary things and proceeded to develop the film, all things have been done to a "T" but guess what, there is no water! the xray film failed to develop and due to this I have to redo everything! I had to explain to the patient and then ask him to collect it some other time! Can u totally beat that, I pay 30 bucks a month, with no water connected, SYABAS ? Guess the water utility company shouldn't be named Syabas, in retrospect they should be appropriately named TBA (Tiada Bekalan Air). I think I use less than 5 bucks of water a month, utilities in Malaysia is bordering on rediculousness. I have given up on everything Malaysian. Period.

More to more heart pissing things, shares plummet and the shares I bought yesterday redlined by 25%! Really bad news, all in all I reckon I raked in a substantial loss today. And there is still more to come. I have been also hypersensitive to certain passing comments that some people I chat with make. I was saying that there is no water and darn, my film is wasted, and guess what? The fella commented that I am complaining alot? what the heck? She also advised me to kill myself? What is this? I reckon I will totally shut out this character and not chat anymore. I am not in the best of moods and the least this bugger can do is to shut up! I wonder if this bad string is going to continue throughout the rest of the day? I am so tired.

I think I have to strengthen up my optimism that I brought back from Beijing, I think writing about it and my many heart lightening experience makes me feel happier. It's a thought to totally refocus my attention. Wonder why when bad things happen it comes in spurts? Maybe I should seek some devine intervention? News has it that my horoscope is supposedly bad in the year of the dog, what else in new? It has been bad everysince I can remember, why stop now? Brrrr, better think about Beijing!

Friendship sites II

I was buggered by these sites, perhaps mainly due to the fact that I have been looking at it for the pass few days. I mentioned about men and their "ingenious"~ Yawn!, ways to entice and attract women in those sites, I think most have a standard opening lines, but come to think of it, isn't it a very pathetic way to get to know people? Case in point, if a profile is devoid of pictures, it automatically goes into the "discarded" bin. I don't know about other people, but for me, I never even bother to click on a person's profile as the database is HUGE!, so, no pictures, no click, sounds a little like Shallow Hal, I know, but who isn't? Try being truthful and u'll find ur answers there.

Commenting on the men's profiles, I noticed the desperation in their opening lines, I meant, at mid thirties, if there is no other half, so what? There are loads more things to keep ourselves occupied and yes I do agree that it feels lonely at times, but at least there are no one to bug you when you want some time being alone, it will feel exceptionally bad during festivities with the inccesant houndings by relatives and family members but over the years I have learnt to deal with it.

Refocussing the spotlight towards profiles created by females, and this is coming from someone who has tons of time in my hands, yup sounds pretty pathetic, I know but what the heck, I am alone sitting and it's the only thing that keeps me occupied, that and this blooming blog of mine. Females usually start with, I am a simple girl, gosh, simple? sure? What is a simple girl anyway? by that do she mean that she has a simple mind? simple outlook? simple expectations? Simple, simple ......, simple? I haven't noticed anything creative at all:-

Simple girl looking for friendship, to increase my circle of friends

Simple girl wants to get to know u, guys

Simple and available

Simple and pretty girl , yak yak yak

I reckon creativity is dead among us, males and females included, problem is I am also brain dead in the creative department as well. I haven't had any bright ideas as to how to entice the fairer sex to click on my profile and yup, I didn't even upload a picture to get them remotely interested. I too am in the same boat, if there is no photo in the profile I would automatically not even click on their profile, Shallow Hal is alive and well amongst us! Hmm, perhaps I should give all a general idea how I word my profiles and perhaps in the process can elicit some chuckles? :)

In Ahmoi.com
( When I read it through, I started laughing, all in all a poor attempt-fail miserably)

Hmm, about myself,.. am wondering how to actually squeeze thirty years of life in this limited space made available to us. In a nutshell I am an average chap with an average work, your usual average joe with the exception that I am an eccentric and despite my stern outlook and character, I can be really sensitive at times. I was brought up in a traditional chinese family with old tradition inculcated into my character, but I am not a male chauvinist. I am looking to expand my circle of friends and to get to know ppl from different walks of life, as mixing around seems to be impossible owing to the nature of my work! I enjoy having some intelligent and intellectual talks and correspondence. I look forward to corresponding with like minded individuals. Cheerio~!

In Match.com
( what a poor opening introduction, made me sound so "desperate" - Fail )

Being "married" to my job, and haven't much time to increase the circle of friends. Hobbies varies, ranging to the brawy outdoor activities to the more cerebral ones like reading and classical music

looking for:-
female, homely and intellectually stimulating, able to share and communicate effectively as well as able to tolerate the occasional setbacks in a relationship

In Friendster
( really average attempt, no doubt, kekekeke)

It's difficult to describe myself without sounding too narcissistic, I would think that I am ur average jock, with an average occupation, with an average lifestyle. Appearance wise is even more average, not ur macho, handsome celebrity type of looks.

In Hi5
( the lowdown in my life - totally yucky)

I am a burn out early thirties professional who is currently working at a dead end job with not respite in sight. Currently looking to increase my pathetic number of friends and to inject some life and vigor into my dead social life

All in all I'd reckon my attempt to get to know more people proved to be futile. Not that I am complaining. I never intend to find the "one", just that the time that I spend in front of my notebook is too long so for the hang of it, I just join for the love of god! kekekekeke. :P

I wonder should I delete all my profiles? I reckon it would be good for a couple of laughs every now and then! kekekekekeke :D, and now to better things, looking forward again to the weekend with my sixpack! YAY!

Friendship sites

Well, I need to confess, I have been very free lately, browsing and looking through most of the friendship sites that I can lay my "fingers" on. You name it, I've seen or been in it. The more popular ones that we, as single Malaysians frequent are the Ahmoi.com sites, the Match.com sites, Friendster, Hi5, AsiaFriendFinder, etc etc and something strikes me, there are too many singles around and the fact is, sites like this exploit the gullibility of single people. Well that's a different thing all together.

I always wonder why I am still single, at 36, still working ala a dog with no respite in sight, I always ask myself, if I am single by choice, or timing? I reckon for me, it would be 50/50. Well at least I would want me, myself to believe! I can find an avalanche of excuses why I am still single, but this is not what I want to say at this juncture, I want to highlight the ways that these so called "advertisers" are looking for friends and hopefully, a match and how they attract the opposite sex? I observed that most of the chaps my age have a few salient points that they used t0 advertise themselves:-

1) they are financially sound and secure, heck if at our age, if we are still living with parents, then something is very wrong, like in my instance!:)

2) understanding, well everyone is supposedly understanding when it doesn't concern them, a trademark of malaysians actually, case in point; " I am veli understanding one, I always slow down when there is an accident to see but I never stop to help" Yup very understanding indeed.
3) Sincere person, well everyone is sincere, depending on how much.?

4) Owns a own pad- who doesn't? At this age, if dun have their own pad, hotels can be so friggin expensive! :P

5) caring person- Yeah right, wish I could care! sigh*

The fact is there is so many people listing in those sites and as much as I want to tell you otherwise, I am also one of the suckers, although I have to add that I haven't receive any response before, who said doctors are not gullible when it comes to things like this? :)

CNY and the days after

Just with a snap of my fingers, Chinese New Year has come and gone. As Hokkiens, the new year would be officially over on the ninth day of the lunar calender, that was yesterday.

I couldn't stop wondering that time really flies. It has been an uneventful occasion this CNY and I really felt that it was rather quiet, gone were the celebrations of yesteryears, the inccesant banging of firecrackers and the festivities atmostpheres with the drums and clanging of the lion dance troupes. This year, I noticed a dearth of any lion troupes, maybe it's me but it really felt "quiet".

What did I do during CNY? well I was off on the eve of it, being one of my usual off days, and I took 3 days off from work. This year was bad in the sense that we didn't have a reunion dinner. I reckon the family sort of strayed after my mum died and since there is no more figureheads at home, none of my siblings came back. They had their own family and hence their own reunion dinner. This one of the bleakest day that I could think of but heck it is a precedent of more CNYs to come. It was so boring that I went for a movie. I reckon at least the movie was the highlight of my new year, Jet Li in "Fearless" at least brighten my otherwise mediocre new year. Since the fourth day of CNY is supposedly very auspicious and advocated by some grandmaster, I decided to commence my practice then. It was pretty quiet when I open for business and the rest of the establishment are closed for business. That's a different thing altogether. The actual day of CNY was spend at home, doing nothing as we could not celebrate as we were still in mourning. No red and flashy clothes, no prayers to the "God of Heaven", nothing. I didn't even visit any friends during these period. As per usual, the television programes are pretty similar to the past new year and most are shot in location in China. beautiful scenery only to be "defaced" by rubber faced singers and entertainers. I reckon if their faces cramped up after filming? Too much smiling I suppose?

As per any CNY, we ended up going to my friends office and some Mahjong sessions. I reckon every year is more or less the same, as it is, every year I would budget some monies to loose to them. I am no gambler and I think I pretty much "suck" in manipulating mahjong cards or tiles. Ah well, once a year, is fine. I find arranging and playing it very stressful and tiring. I am glad I am no fans of the game of chance. Phew! I would prefer to have a cuppa of coffee or even a can of cold beer!

The second and third day is pretty similar to the first day, mahjong and more mahjong, I was practically dreaming of the mahjong tiles when I was sleeping, one thing that was positive was that I had managed to squeeze some jogging into the frenzy of mahjoing. Jogging is so much more rejuvenating than mahjong, wonder why people are so addicted to this game?