doc's dog day

Sunday, July 31, 2005

30.7.2005

Today is saturday, my off day, well I am writing this on Sunday and I will recount what I have did over the 24 hour period. Did I go to the said meeting with my ex? As a matter of fact I did, I left work at 8.50pm and drove there after closing and ensuring everything has been properly locked. I reached a little after 9pm and proceeded to look for a parking spot and it was with some difficulty that I was able to secure a parking lot. I reckon since saturday is a day off for most people, yuppies are swarming to this suburb to get their daily doses of "social life". I reached 1957 pub and to my dismay, it has already been revamp and renamed, Fandago's. I looked for a place and act as inconspicous as possible, but mind you, I feel totally out of place. Many came as a group or as a couple, with me sitting in a quiet corner alone! This has got to be the freakiest and most awkward situation that I been in! I sat there waiting for her to turn up, and true to my deductions, she didn't turn up at all. I sat till 1am in the morning and had a few glasses of beers. I had done what I can to turn things around and it's now officially over. I have to move on and forget about the past.

Went back home and slept after having my beers and woke up at around 11 am in the morning. I think sleeping is good to rejuvenate whatever misfortunes that we might think that we had. I woke up and made an appointment with a friend to collect some medications. I visited a friends clinic and took some medications from him. I must say that his practice is doing much better as compared to mine. I have a uncanny idea to proceed with the purchase of a radiologic imaging device. I think with this the quota for foreign workers examination will be totally filled up. Anyway still considering if I am in the right frame financial wise to buy it. Will start doing some calculation in my finances on Sunday.

Towards the evening, I went for my tennis, at least to sweat a bit and also to start building on my fitness. I was naturally surprised to meet up with a previous tennis partner and we had a great time hitting balls, somewhat with fiery power in my part! I reckon he is surprised by my "extreme energetic and enthusiatic" approach to the way I actually smacked the tennis balls! But all in all I had a good time letting go of my frustrations.

I went back and showered and then after dinner went for pool with my gang. The area which we went to was smoky and a little run down, naturally everyone started smoking and yours truly also went to the extend of smoking a few joints. Fared terribly badly in the snooker and ended up paying for my inexperience in pool! went for supper subsequently and slept pretty late, at around 2 am!

I wish that my ex is happy and wish that she will have a good life henceforth. I don't think I should cling on to this past relationship and I should move on. But whatever is it, I still loved her very much and would pray for her continued happiness and good health. Something I read in the papers was rather apt, below is the exact reproduction of the said article:-

Last April, Oprah inteviewed Maya Angelou on her 70th birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older. And, there on TV, she said it was "exciting".

Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occuring everyday .... like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist first.

She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words. Maya Angelou said this : I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it may sees today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:- a rainyday, a lost luggage and a tangled christmas tree lights.

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they are gone from your life.

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as " making a life"

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that whatever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be the one.

I've learned that everyday you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

I just think it was enlightening and meaningful and is filled with such a postive outlook. I reckon I should take a cue from this and live my life as I should. I just want to tell that no matter what I still love her but I have to move on.

Friday, July 29, 2005

29.7.2005

Friday, the second best day of the week, loosing out only to Saturday my favorite day! Anyway today is filled with anticipation and anxiousness. I have been looking forward to this day for obvious reasons that I had mentioned umpteen times in many of my previous posts. It's D day, the day of the reckoning, a day that that changes the course of my own personal history. I hope things would work out okay, 9pm in S H, 1957, I'll be there no doubt.

Hmm, still no news regarding the murder of the girl who was dump into a drain, I think the investigation has sort of frittered away and hopefully they can catch the perp. I know I am nuts but I was initially thinking that could it be my ex? My mind has been playing lots of tricks on me. I wasn't thinking straight.

Anything of interests this morning? hmm, well got caught in a jam this morning, basically it's because some selfish people who continue moving inspite of the light being red and ended up stuck in the yellow box. I wonder, don't they know that amber colour is for u to prepare to stop and doesn't mean move faster, and red light, to move even faster? I wonder if these people are colour blind? Perhaps they are, am not sure to that answer at all. All in all I reckon people like this are not civic minded, totally selfish not to mention a source of irritation for lots of other people.

Business today is so so, I think it is okay since it's the month end and most of the salaried person has either spent all their salary or is low on cash reserves. I always notice this especially during some public holidays and end of the month. People will spend more when they get their salary and less when salary is due. I think this is cyclical. My sister came to my clinic to ask me if I wanted to go down south with her for an exhibition, she asked me to visit the neighbouring country, but I am unable to go as I need to be present in my said appointment. Its also because that my passport has expired and I haven't actually have time to renew it. Hmm, I probably need to get it done in a few weeks if I were to go for a holiday in August. I need my holiday!

Something happen, and I am paying the price through no fault of mine. My licence for the examination of foreign workers has been suspended as the organisation claims that I haven't sent contract back to them, which I did. I don't know how they can actually screw up this, as it is quasi goverment organisation is as bad as it can be! I have tried calling them so many times and have been given the friggin' runaround one too many times. I reckon this is one part of the daily life that every citizen have to deal with. I have half a mind to not even be in one of their panels, I haven't been paid for the last 6 months!

Anyway I hope that tonight has some good news in store for me, I have pledged that in event my ex doesn't show up, I will move on and not bother her anymore. I am a person who abides to my word and I will honour it. I just pray that she will at least turn up and we can have a good talk.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

28.7.2005

Thursay the 28th of July, woke up just like anyday and went to the same process of preparing to go to work, heard on the radio about the terrible jam all over the place due to some power breakdown? Yoicks, what an inopportune time to have power failure?!? Also heard that there is a lorry that broke down near my clinic, therefore am anticipating a fairly congested and many cars on the road on my way to work. What a way to start off a day! Heard a really funny add on radio, about being Thursday and being towards the end of the week, and being such a bad day, local advert on the virtues of caffeinated coffee, Ya, my type of beverages, err apart from the alcoholic ones.

Arrived to work, fashionably late and luckily no one was waiting for me apart from my employee. Commence to open, turn on my notebook and my usual axis of papers, caffeine addiction and the net. Really multitasking at its' very best! Nothing of interest, the usual political tussling between a few people, some arguments regarding the AP issue and just about everyone is argueing about everything. It's seems really monotonous and "drama" laden. Apart from that the news that I am most enthusiatic about is the murder of a chinese girl in around PJ, until now there is no breakthough and I am curious as to what has actually happen to her that lead to her being strangled and murdered. Whatever she had done, I don't think she deserved being dumped like that. HMm, what has this world coming to?

It was my ex's birthday yesterday, as it is, even when I want to wish her a happy birthday I am unable to. I reckon I am too wasted to get anymore verbal lashing from her. I wandered where did she go for her celebration and with who? Sure it's none of my concern by I always have a hyperimaginative mind and it's playing tricks (again) on me. Perhaps she is happier and attached already? I have to move on, I always remind myself. Anyway would I be going to the said meet up tomorrow? I will and would stick to my end of the bargain. I actually wanted to place an advert on the local dailies to wish her a happy birthday but I reckon it would be counterproductive as she hardly reads the papers! Thought of calling in the radio station to wish her but decided against as I might be vilified again. I have to just let things be and when it's finally out from my system, it would be great!

I chatted with someone yesterday and it was a welcome change. He told me that when males chat him up, due to his "feminine" nickname, most would upon learning that it's a he, would automatically stop chatting, and he wondered if I am the sort. Well am not actually, chatting with someone from a different background like mine is also a way and a method of relaxation for me, beats not chatting at all, right? He is also into blogging and I have read a few of his articles and must say that it's far more informative than my usual whinings! Perhaps I should change my blog and make it into something more concrete and my daily musings? Hmm, I wonder?

Back on the home front, nothing much, mum's still the same, albeit being a little stronger as compared to the last time, perhaps what we are offering her is merely to extend the inevitable? But I think we must learn when to let go. We have and had tried what we can. Weekend is looming and I would be looking for another day of relaxation and rest. I think I thoroughly deserved it. I am also on the lookout to get myself a car, not new but used. I don't think I want to pay a premium for buying an imported car.

Tomorrow is another day, and I will be prepared to be disappointed. I will wait for someone in Sri Hartamas from 9 to 1 am, eventhough I am sure she will not turn, nonetheless it's my way of dealing with things.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

27.7.2005

The magical 27th of July, the significance? My "friends" birthday. I want to wish her a happy birthday and hope that henceforth her life will be filled with joy and happiness. I reckon she will never receive this greeting from me, even if I wanted to but I think it would be best that I don't send any messages to her in order not to be vilified.

How is my day? well basically not great, patients are so sparse that I have too much time surfing the net as well as reading on the real estate forum. I became interested in it after buying my 1st property when I found that there many things to consider before plunging into a property. Lots of research and small things to consider. I have promised myself to buy another property next year when things are a little more stable, Real Estate investment would be my ticket out of this misery, I reckon.

There has been lots of interest regarding the Approved Permit recently and today our ex PM has expressed dissatisfaction regarding this issue. I think it's a indication that the current trade minister would be ousted from her job. Eventhough he is the ex PM, I would concur with a friend that he still yeild enormous power, perhaps he is the actual puppet master? Hmm, perhaps. Another thing of interest, at least to me is the murder of a chinese female whose body was found dumped in one of the suburbs. She is in her early to mid twenties and is wearing a buddhist prayer string on one of her hands. I don't know why but I am concerned as who she is? Maybe seeing someone so young with life being snatched away suddenly makes me reflect on what exactly is life? Is persuit of riches and material gains life in my context? Hmm, I am begining to think that what I am doing is futile and my constant effort is not worth while. I think I will perhaps shorten my working hours once things stabilised a bit. Don't want to work too long and not enjoy and make my life more meaningful. That is why I am investing in real estate. I reckon this could the exact thing that I might be waiting for.

My skin problem is still pretty much the same, I reckon it would be like that from now onwards, but they do spontaneously regress when our stress level goes down with proper moisturising as well as medication. Am doing all I can to improve this and I have been religiously applying creams and lotion to improve the hydration of my skin, I hope it would bear fruit not long from now. I have been also sleeping earlier and it has at least improve my moods a bit. Am I moving on? I reckon I am, eventhough it's slower than anticipated.

I still think of my "friend" though, eventhough she doesn't even think of me, I still pray for her wellbeing and her happiness everyday. I reckon I am a bit funny at times like this. I know I am the one that wanted to break off but that doesn't mean that I don't care for her, instead I care for her too much which is why I wanted out. Why did I want to opt out if I cared for her? I reckon she is self destructing when she was with me, I don't think I could have addressed her problems and I reckon she needed time to realise what she wants in life. I wanted her to have time to at least think things through and not merely creating a never ending stream of problems for both of us. I admit this isn't the best way of dealing with things but it was the best way that I had thought off that time.

Once again, I want to wish her a Happy Birthday, hope that u are happy and will be happy from now to eternity, do have a productive and fun life, I will continue to pray for ur wellbeing and happiness.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

26.7.2005

Tuesday the 26th of July, tomorrow will be my ex's 25th birthday, I want to wish her a happy and excellent birthday. Am wondering who is she celebrating with? Whoever it is, it's definately not me.

I had to dip in a bathtub filled with potassium permanganate for my ezcema and I need to be at least on this regime for a few weeks. It's all very troubling and irritating to be having eczema and it is even more troubling when I need to cover myself with creams and moisturisers, I think my skin is far too dry and it would be good to apply something to smoothen my skin, but I am one of those that cannot stand my body to be oiler, sigh* 35 this year and have to start applying creams, like a female! yucks. But I think there is no other way. I will have to stick to the regime of applying creams 3 times a day. I have gone to the extend of avoiding bathing in warm water as it would cause my body to be dry. So it's now cold and chilly water for me, sigh**

Business today is a bit on the slow side. I think it's no longer easy making a honest living. I am the type that is straight as a rod and it's times like this that I wonder why wasn't I born with a little more cunning and with less moral values? With this I can start making money bending the rules a bit, but I know I am not the type, anyway just complaining to vent my frustration a little. I saw a 74 year old man that was knocked down by a lorry which cycling. Some one brought him to my clinic and then bloody disappeared from my clinic! can u beat that? Talking about moral values, some people are totally inhumane to just leave someone they knocked and run away! The old man was bleeding profusely from his wounds, and I ended up stemming the bleeding and stabilising him. He was better after that, and I had to place a call to his home to ask someone to come to see him! My! what has this place turn out to be? I refered him to a local hospital as his wounds are too huge and the tendons exposed, perhaps he would need a reconstructive surgery to help him regain the function of his hand? I am of the opinion that he needs further evaluation as he is having some signs of cerebral concussion. The thing of importance here is the human values, ordinarily I wouldn't leave someone unattended let alone being the person that I knocked down? my clinic was in such a mess and full of blood everywhere. I sometimes wonder why human values have deteriorated until this. Who am I? I am just but a speck in the grander scheme of things. Still?

Today in the local dailies, the CEO of proton has been effectively "sacked". His contract hasn't been renewed. I think it is by far the biggest news today apart from the daily doses of terror occuring globally. Bombings have so far claims 88 lives in Egypt or Saudi, not that sure, it's common da happenings that there are people dying and maimed in the name of Religion. Btw ever wonder what is religion? I am a buddhist and I follow the guidelines of being a good buddhist, at least I try to help whenever I can. I remembered for Tsunami I donated 5 cartons' of Panadol tablets, hopefully what I donated will not be somewhere locked up and not distributed to the needy people. I remember asking my ex to donate 10 ringgit towards the purchasing of the medicine and I was instead being scolded by her. I didn't understand then and I still don't understand why she didn't want to donate but I gave her a piece of my mind. I actually donated on her behalf without telling her, hopefully she would gain some merit in this sense. I had been doing things that benefit her behind her back and I didn't want her to know about it. I had actually nearly bought a health and life insurance policy for her but manage to cancel it, I also supplement a credit card for her but didn't manage to pass it to her before we broke off. I don't know if this is bad timing but most of the things that I do, I never wanted to b recognised. Perhaps I should change my outlook and start harping on what I did for everyone? Hmm, nope I don't think I am that sort, never really like to stand in the spotlight.

I wonder what gifts that she will be getting? I know it's none of my business but it's always my biggest weakness to think of what if? I am made like this and no matter how much I control I am unable to change the way I think and function. I had an argument yesterday with a friend that wants to enforce her views on to me. Why can't people's thinking be unique and individualised? I am sure she has her point and I am receptive towards that, but I cannot help when our approach to something differs. Well anyway I don't want to change how she thinks and I reckon she should respect my thinking as well.

Monday, July 25, 2005

25.7.2005

Another has dawned and I am sitting here waiting for something. Just what exactly it is, I am still perplexed, if not why am I sitting here everyday? Hmmm, anyway life is full of irony, I am hoping that business will become better in time, and am still waiting for that day to come. It's now close to 4.30 pm and I had seen only 7 patient so far. It's about the average number of patient this time of the day and I do think hopefully it would become better during the night. I have to put lots of faith in myself as well as my practice, and with a little luck, I am confident that it would turn out okay.

Well coming to the what is actually bothering me. My health is decline over the past few months. I am not exactly suffering from any major illness but my persistent discoid eczema is really getting to me. I think this is due to the enormous amount of stress that I have to cope with and as it is there is no actually medication that prevents this. I never used to have any skin problems but lately everything seems to be manifesting itself on me. I know for a fact that I am emotionally drained and spent, not to mention the amount of stress that I have to cope with is making this problem worst. I think I will have to see a dermatologist to seek a second opinion. I feel that when things are not going right, everything seems to happen at the same time, perhaps there is some ornate timings that makes every bad things happen at the most inappropriate time? Hmm, I wonder? I had actually self treated myself and it improving but lately the lesions are getting more and I will have to be more vigilant in applying the creams to the affected area. I reckon if I were to show it to the lay person, many would conclude that I might be suffering from AIDS or some sexually transmitted diseases but it's not. I too am afraid, not because I am sexually indiscreet which I am by the way, but merely because I have my fair share of medical and surgical mistakes that invariably result in self injury. I was always aware of contracting communicable diseases this way. But I had just taken my yearly blood test and also my profile and it's all normal, err apart from the elevated cholesterol levels. Apart from them I have some raised IgE and it would be expected so. Hopefully when all this is over I can take a well deserved rest and all my problems will dissolve away. I really pray that it would be just the way I envision it.

I reckon I have to apply more moisturisers on my body and I am the type that hate to apply anything on my body. I especially hate the oily creams but I think this is something that I need to do if I want my skin to improve. Only good moisturisers help in rehydrate the skin. Even I know this, I am reluctant but I have to psyche myself to do it, applying creams on my lesions are also not my favourite but I reckon in order to improve I have to force myself to do it.

It's nearing 5pm and I am still typing away in this website. I was asleep pretty late yesterday as I went to have some drinks with my friend. I think I need to sleep earlier as my body needs all the rest that it can get. I still have trouble sleeping and it's still the same even after so many months. I wonder what has my ex still play such an important role in my mind? I need to extrude her from my mindset and only with something to distract me will I be able to forget her. I think with my skin problem, unless I recover, I am not in the right frame to actually look for my other half and I think this is pretty reasonable. I have to somehow recover, which is why I am psyching myself up to recover. I could vividly remember that this illness of mind started when my mum started falling sick and also when I just broken off. Maybe with my comfort zone changing and also the stress of taking care of my mum with my clinic, my skin developed some allergies and they flared from there? I initally didn't even bother with it as most of the time it goes off by itself, but this is the biggy and hasn't gone after a few months. I think I have to try something more radical now that it has basically gotten worst. I reckon consulting a specialist is in the pipeline.

I am thinking about my ex less now, I feel I am moving on albeit still a little slow, at times I still think about her but I reckon it has become less. Perhaps my mind is preoccupied with what the heck is happening to me? I hope that even when I don't think of her too much, she would still be happy with her life. I pray that she will have a good life ahead and I pray that my medical problem would be okay in a month's time.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

24.7.2005

Today is Sunday, the 24th of July, 2005. It's also the birthday of Quan Yin, a Buddhist diety. Usually last time I would be a vegetarian for a day, but over the last few years I wasn't as I might have neglected this. I am always busy and also don't actually take the trouble to remember the dates and then look for places to eat vegetarian. I hope to restart this vegetarian this year and I would try this today. I might take half day vegetarian and go on from there.

Today's business is okay, being a Sunday I hope it would be better but I can't actually complain. I think so far I had seen something like 15 patient? I was hoping for something more. Anyway I woke up feeling a bit tired and have aches all over my body, as it is my skin lesions are not going away and is persistently itchy. I don't actually know what is wrong with me apart from the fact that it's a form of dermatitis, maybe something that I had eaten or applied on my body which causes my skin to be allergic? I am not too sure, I had done my blood test and everything comes out negative, it's definately not some sinister illnesses. I am begining to think that it might be some voodoo stuffs that somebody has hexed upon to me? Nah it can't be, am not the superstitious type anyway.

I wonder what has happen to her? One of my patient that actually knows her came to see me and we started talking about my ex. Anyway a lot of things came out and I was surprised with some of the revelation that I got to know. Anyway it wasn't anything much, nothing that would surprise me. I hope that she will be happy and will have a great and productive life. I still miss her though and I reckon my love for her will no die away overnight, but will only fritter away with time. I am always a believer that time heals all wounds.

I am starting to take some antibiotics with the hope of solving my skin problem once and for all. Basically there is no indication for antibiotics but I do noticed that with it, some of the lesions actually improve, perhaps there is some secondary bacterial infection that causes this? No harm trying though, at least I would have exhausted all avenues, same as in my relationship. I'll be closing soon and I reckon it's time I sign off and hopefully I will add a few more paragraph tomorrow. I am feeling a bit tired and feverish and hopefully with some rest it would soon be better. Tomorrow is another day.

23.7.2005

Saturday the 23th July, 2005. Woke up at 12noon and had a fantabulous sleep. I actually woke up earlier at 8am but seeing this is my day off decided or rather laze again and slept! I had a relatively late night the day before as I met up with a friend from Johor, went for some nite tea and had a nice talk. This friend used to be my staff in my old practice and she will be going off to China to continue with her masters' in TCM (tradional chinese medicine). She had graduated last time with a bachelor's degree and she wanted to study western medicine but I advised her against this. I think it's better to cling on to chinese medicine and its more economically viable as studying from scratch to western medicine is a huge difference.

Anyway on Saturday upon waking up, I went for a lunch at one of the shop outside my house, have a bowl of curry noodles and read some newspaper. I am obligated to read what is printed and being a Saturday edition, nothing much of interest. It's more focused on Business Edition and I had some gruelling task of reading through the business section, nothing that many people actually had a very positive outlook for our country's economy. I think this should be a concerted effort by the goverment to win public support and gain their confidence. I have to total opposite opinion as I think our economy is actually declining. Well only time will tell.

I subsequently arranged to see a second hand car that I was interested in. It's a 97 MGF cabriolet and I arranged to view it at the seller's place. I went along with 2 of my friends and we went to view the car. Upon reaching the place, externally the car was looks very enticing, but upon checking out the interior and the ride of the car, I wasn't impressed at all. There is no ride comfort, driving it seems to be a pain (literaly) as it was so bumpy that I felt my lunch trying to jump out aborally and it was a really naseating experience! Anyway the car looks pretty cool but I reckon I am not cut up to drive something so sport, perhaps I am getting too old? I think I would look into something more contemporary and appropriate for my age. Hmm, a beemer would be a much better choice if not for the costs!

I went to friends office and checked out my favourite forum in real estate. Many believe that our economy is going to get worse and are bracing for it buy keeping lots of cash and not picking up any new units. I am too. I surmise that cash is king! hahah. I went back subsequently at 7pm and wanted to just grab some gears for my tennis session at 7pm. Upon reaching home, I saw that my mum has actually passed motion and all around her is covered with faeces. I have to clean her up with my sister and it took a while before everything is finished and I can go for my tennis. I reckon my mum is no longer in control of her mental faculties and everything she does is basically reflexs and it pains me to see her like that. I reckon everyone is going to pass by this phase and I hope that she don't suffer so much. Anyway we as her children are doing all we can for her and she should be happy that we are doing what we can.

I went for tennis late and reached there at around 8pm, I was totally surprised to see that there wasn't any lights lighted and I approached the caretaker and told him to switch on the floodlights. Imagine my chagrin when he asked me to show him the official receipt. I asked my friend to show him and I gave him some piece of my mind, He was supposed to switch on the lights at 7pm. I asked for his name and will lodge a complain for compensation for the lost hour.

Went for dinner alone after the tennis as my friend was very tired and wanted to go home, had pork noodles and it was a good change and after that I went to get some beer before going back home. Another has passed and tomorrow will be a new week for me.

Friday, July 22, 2005

22.7.2005

It'll be Saturday tomorrow and I'm halfway through Friday. I am looking forward to a long deserved rest. What has happen today? Well I went back again to reinsert my mother's tube, I can say this is the highlight of my day. Patient's are very few in numbers and it has invariably affect my mood.

How is my mood today? yesterday I went for a long drink with my buddy and it has been good. I am not particularly verbose today possible due to my state of mind. I reckon I have been continously stressed out a bit too much and it has probably taken it's toll on me. I am not in any way of having a mental breakdown but I reckon I am probably is a bit bothered by my present state of mind. I am totally exhausted and tired. Although I am sleeping better these days, the accumulated stress is something too much for me to bear.

Business wise nothing can be done apart from waiting. I have thought of doing some promotion but I think it would still be the same inspite of promotions. I know for a fact that the people around here only wants free things and nothing more, I am sure people know that there is a clinic here and creating awareness is not really that important. I am looking into the possibility of venturing into other things and I think it would be better to hang on for the time being. The economy is still reeling with uncertainty with the news that the currency has been de pegged and is under manage float. I am confident that this will have a positive impact with the general consumers and hopefully with this the buying power of the masses would improve.

Coming back to the world scene, there has been another bombing in London, this time 3 bombs has gone off and luckily this time there is no casuaties. I wonder what is the driving force behind extremists? What actually drives them to kill and maim others? Is there any religion in the world that wants to disrupt the serenity and the peace of a place? I am curious as to what is actually going in their minds when they detonate the bombs? Perhaps a moment of insanity? I wonder what was going on in my mind the time when I wanted to break off with my girl. I couldn't remember anything at all. Perhaps my beliefs during that time has been shrouded by my emotional state? Hmm, the gullibility of the human mind knows no bounds. I reckon being 35, we are not spared the fallacies of the human race.

It's been a long time since I have any news about her, I am still thinking. Why? this is one question that has me perplexed for sometime. I am also unsure as to why I still think of her and think of her rather frequently as well. I think in this regard I am a basket case. I shouldn't be thinking or be concerned about someone who does not even appreciate nor want my concern, but I am here beating the drums of war alone! Nut case, basket case, whatever u call it, I am, the frailty of the human mind. I am waiting for the day when she calls me, maybe for some help or for some other reason, and I am still hopeful that she will be happy for eternity.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

21.7.2005

Today is a thursday, I have survived yet another weekday and it would be a welcome relief from work, work and mor work. I know there is still a friday that I have to be contented with. I think it's like running a very long distance road race like a marathon and I'm just turning into the last corner onto the home stretch. I can feel the anticipation of finer things on the finishing line. At least I would have some amount of rest when it's on the weekend eventhough I still have problems sleeping.

I am writing my blog as it is now instead of waiting for tomorrow. Times have change and perception on what I should do has changed too. I had gone back home and came back after re inserting my mum urinary catheter and it has been jammed pack the way there. Morning has been rather good to me in the sense that I have some patient to distract me and to occupy my time. It's now around 4.30pm and I am waiting for patient. Have been considering about investing in a pub or cafe in a location not too far from my clinic. I reckon I need to overwhelm my time with work and prevent me from languishing in my thoughts. I have to really immerse myself on doing things and having lots of activities to "distract" my memories. I have been fiddling with the probability of doing some F & B business and a pub. I think it's time that I start diversifying so that I will not watse my time and money, hence letting my money work for me, I really need this in order for me to retire by 40. I reckon there are 2 ways of looking at things, I am mentally and physically tired and I am pushing myself to work and earn more, why? The reason being, I want to break out from my ex's shadows. I am still coming to terms with this arrangement that I had made, and it's not easy. I reckon for a 35 year old man, I am a failure when it comes to love.

A good friend also recommend and heartened me to buy some shares, it seems that he knows the CEO pretty well and have some inside information regarding a certain stock. I wanted to get some lots but I am still smarting from my previous so called inside information that I obtained from him. Anyway I don't have much liquid asset to speculate with. I have a lot hanging on the balance and I don't think stock is something that I have a lot of confidence in. On my backup scheme of things are property investments, F & B business, and maybe if I have surplus cash I would consider opening another clinic. But it will be a logistical nightmare, too much is hanging on the balance here. In the pipeline I am also planning to change my car, into something more chic and flashy, I am considering getting myself a cabriolet and it would be really nice and cool to be able to zip around in one. I reckon I am trying to break out from my "boring, monotonous" lifestyle. I want to break free!!

Am I still thinking about my ex. As a matter of fact I am still. What the bloody heck is wrong with me? I am unsure as to what is. Everything and everywhere I turn there is bound to have something that reminds me of her. I have since focus the problem into myself. I now think that everything is MY fault! Which I know is not right, but am feeling like that, perhaps this is what is known as a delusional metaphor? I am sure that there was something wrong with this relationship and I was actually trying to make things work albeit trying a bit too hard, but if it doesn't work why still am I feeling gloomy? She has moved on and when a scenario of something bad that is happening to her pop into my mind, I will feel extra miserable. I felt that I have an obligation to see her through happiness and I have failed to provide this to her. Why? I think I had been unable to gratify all her desires and this has ultimately leads to our fallout.

I am suffering from some medical illness lately, I am having skin lesions as well as other aches and pains. I reckon it's because of my stress level which has been enormous. I am physically and mentally very tired, more so for the latter. I have never had any skin problems before and this has been turning the living hell for me. I have generally atrophic dermatitis or discoid eczema and this has made my skin to have spot and lesions all over. I have tried medication but all seems futile. Even I have cold sores which I never used to get last time. Perhaps my body resistance is getting downhill? Has it got to do with my ex? I had gone to the extend to check my blood and everything seems to be fine apart from having some high cholesterol as well as some jaundice. Also a raised ESR which could be anything. I might have stressed induced problems. Luckily my retroviral status is normal.

I wonder how is my ex doing? It never cease to intrigue me and to wonder how exactly is she doing and what is she up to? I presume she is happy now with having so much people? or attention towards her every need. I reckon I didn't and couldn't provide this fundamental thing to her the last time when she was with me. It never fails to make me feel more dreadful about things when I think of how when we were together and what has happen now.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

20.7.2005

Am writing the blog today, just thought that since I have nothing much to do, having only seen 1 miserable patient since opening until now, I thought it would be good to express what I feel now. I was chatting with a friend from China just now and I could distinctly detect some animosity towards me. I wonder why are people like that? or should I specifically ask why is females like that? I am no expert but I find females very difficult to decipher and understand. I am sure that I didn't say anything out of line and I am unsure as to why she reacted the way she reacted. I am totally in a blur as to why am I treated this way. Perhaps it's best to just agree with them and get on to the next topic? Extrapolating what has transpired I infer that we as men, cannot be opinionated at all. I simply couldn't understand what the bug fuss is about.

I reflected on my 35 years on this world and it's sad to think that I haven't even begin to understand what is going on in a woman's brain. I have failed miserably when it comes to understanding this subspecies. I am sensitive I reckon but as it is their thought process works in mysterious ways. I think probably my ex is similar in the sense. She always accuse me of being insensitive to her needs and I always give in to her demands. Maybe, just maybe that she is taking me for granted? Being tolerant and giving in to any whims and fancies doesn't mean that I am without any stand nor I am devoid of any opinion. It's just that sometimes I feel it's better not to create any friction by continously argue about something both are so passionate about, issues that tend to create some drift with our feelings towards each other.

Coming back it's 2 pm and still I have only seen one patient. It's times like this when I feel the most depressed. I am feel wasted and totally "used" when I am sitting here and not even making anything worth my while. Why did I choose to be a doctor anyway? I used to think of all the noble things about being able to help other people with their medical problems. The fact remains that I cannot even help myself. I am still stuck here without financial security, without a partner to share my life. I wonder what worst thing that could still happen to me? I don't feel depressed but I do feel somewhat "spent".

I have been asking myself that with the type of smses that was sent to me by my ex, would I still go to the place to meet up with her? I am more than 100% sure that she won't come, but I reckon I would still go and wait there. It would be stupid and silly, I know, but I feel that it's my way of dealing with it. I have to go in order to pacify my heart which haven't been at peace since the day that I broke off with her. It is still bothering me, and I am suffering here. What else can I do? I know for a fact that she isn't as sincere when she was with me, but that didn't keep me from developing real feelings for her. I have always thought that with time she would settle down and treat me better and become more matured, But alas, she didn't and I reacted by wanting out. I really thought that with the time out from each other it would actually "force" her to grow up and come to her senses. I wasn't more wrong in coming to this. My staff said something that actually makes me feel dreadful, she mentioned that my ex wouldn't have any problem looking for a boyfriend as she is pretty, I agree with her totally, my ex is as beautiful as she can be, and I felt shitty when I imagine her being with some other guy, holding hands and exchanging kisses and affection. I really hate that.

19.7.2005

I am here again, typing endlessly and writing what has happen to me last night. I wonder if it would be prudent for me to write what I feel currently and not what I was feeling last night? Hmmm, basically I reckon there are two ways of looking at it, if I want to squeeze everything inside a blog on what I did the night before, like in a diary, it would make more sense to write the day after, but if I were to jolt down what I feel the same instance, it would be totally logical to write now. Am in a conflicting frame of mine, eventhough the entry is for the 19th, but I am actually feeling different at the moment, so I think I will need to change the precedent here. Maybe not writing my blog everyday would be a good thing. I have decided to write when I do feel like it, changing the topic as and when I think is appropriate. No one will actually read what I have to say anyway, but it reminds me what and when I feel.

Yesterday was one of the slower days when it comes to patient traffic. I think I never even see more than 10 patient. Didn't have anything interesting at all, just the normal cold, runny nose, fever and some with high blood pressure. All very standard and monotonous cases. I was watching some cantonese serials and reading and writing on some real estate forums. Went back at around 10pm and manage a mearge 200 bucks for 14 hours work. I think there are ups and downs in a business and yesterday seems to be on the other end of spectrum. Just hoping that it won't be like that for the next couple of days.

I went back and bought some beers and started drinking. It was kinda good to drink once a while but I think I have to start cutting down on the alcohol units. I am not an alcoholic actually but I do enjoy the after feeling of drinking. It gives me a sense of wellbeing as well as feeling exuberant with my surroundings, far far away from my wretched situation. My sister's friend who happens to be a fortune teller was putting up in my home and I asked her about my fortune. I actually wasn't that interested with my financial future compared to my love life. I didn't actually want to tell her that, but I was more concerned about my relationship issues. I want to be involved again and I want to know if there is something in this world called love? I know it's wrong to tide over what I am feeling now by engaging in a different girl but I cannot tolerate my pathetic situation anymore. I reckon I need to be brutal for self preservation. If I can get my feelings for my ex out of my system I would do anything. She told me that I will have 2 more relationship and it would come as early as October, one will be best suited for me and she will be a bit tanned! Can u imagine? I recall my ex being tan when I first heard this from the fortune teller. I wonder is there any basis to what she is telling me? It is all so very intriging.

I slept at 12.30 am amid feeling a bit flustered and also hoping that October would come sooner. I need a distraction to rid me of the shadows of my past relationship. I wonder if anyone has an experience as unique as mine when it comes to being so in love with some one but instinctively know that the other party is so wrong for us? I don't think anyone's relationship is as distinctive as mine in this sense.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

18.7.2005

Monday the 18th of July, a fairly good day, as usual the morning blues and the daily grind to force my ass out of my warm bed to get to work. I have to promise myself not to be affected by my moods anymore. I surmise that I would be feeling the same for the next few months. I wonder why am I feeling tired and moody even when things especially business is picking up? I think it should be my lack of social life as well as my fatigue with having so many sleepless nights.

As it is, business is getting better and I have probably seen something like 20 odd patient and for a Monday it's not bad. Some drug representative came to see me and I spend time talking to them and at least time flies away faster like this. I think this has invariably make me think less about my past. Nothing much to shout about, it's work, work and more work. I reflected on the fact that my life is getting similar day in and day out. Wouldn't it be loverly (taking my cue from Lerner and Lowe of My Fair Lady) that I can somehow break this monotony? I wish I could actually drop everything that I currently have and just simply escape somewhere to rejuvenate and to collect my senses? I think claming a burnout is a misnomer, feeling more like the living dead, zombie so to speak. Everything seems to be on overdrive and I totally feel exhausted with my life.

Life's is funny. I have been alive for 35 years now and am still unable to grasp the real meaning of it. As it is, we are born in this world, having been decreed and sentenced to death at a particular time, the biggest question is WHEN? If u look at things, eventually everyone dies, one time or the other, why should we feel miserable with our short time that we have in this place? Isn't it better to just be happy and forget what is bothering us and enjoy to the fullest? Even intriging is the fact that I know this is but a certainty but yet like everyone else I still get sucked into the bitterness of a relationship as well as the unpredictability of life! What is wrong with me? I have been trying to overcome this feeling of sadness as well as bitterness with the things revolving around me and it's poignant to say that I am still unable to come to terms with my loneliness. It's times like this that makes me feel the most dejected.

Some headlines today that helps take my attention away from my woes. There are reports that there are 4 individual whom are sharing amongst them 28,000 Approved Permit to import tax exempted or low taxed permit with each making 20 to 40k per vehicle. I think this is a blatant act of discrimination towards the other races in this country. I am in a bind now, why can't I benefit from the goverment? Some great man once said, "ask not what the goverment can do for u, instead ask urself what u can do for the goverment" I think I have done enough to not even consider going to vote in the election. It's things like this that makes it more disgusting.

After work I went to look for my friend, spend sometime with him and to have some small talk. I think I am feeling a bit down as I am lonely and have a lot of time being alone, which translate into having lots of time to think of her. This is by far my biggest problem. I think if I am distracted with either having some one with me and also having something concrete to do, I would forget about her faster. It seems to me that every single thing that I do and encounter have her shadow in it, perhaps we really were too close last time? I can see her in all the things that is surrounding me, from objects like my keychain, wallet, posters to the food and places that we frequent. I know I have to get rid of the things but I reckon this is silly and stupid as she has moved on. The bottom line is that I am still on the process of moving on and I tend to be a bit slow as compared to others. I know the day will come when I am free from all the encumbrance of all this but I am afraid that it will be a long way from now. Just praying that it would come sooner and liberate me from my problems.

Monday, July 18, 2005

17.5.2005

Another day another Sunday. If other people have Monday morning blues, mine will be fasttracked to Sunday, wonder if I am the only person with Sunday blues as compared to Monday? Hmm, interesting. Hadn't had enough sleep owing to the fact that I had slept pretty late the night before, watching "The Fantastic Four". I reckon the movies nowadays is technologically impeccable but artistically deficient. Why do I say that? I mean everything seems to be computer generated, and the acting is bad, I think it's hovering something along the vicinity of a middle school class performance. I don't think you'll need talent to act in movies nowadays, the prerequisite is to just another pretty face. I am sure that I am not one of the people who can make it, I don't think my face is "pretty". HahaHaha.

Backtracking towards the day, it started off like any other day, driving to woke, with the sole exception of no traffic congestion, reached the clinic a little after 8.30am and proceeded with the normal "axis" of ? fulfilment. I wonder why there is nothing much in the Sunday papers which inadvertently focus more on variety news rather than real happenings in the world. I think everyone needs a break and I am the only exception to the rule. Things of interest on the Sunday paper is the section regarding people's grouses and relationship complications. Hmm, perhaps I should also write under an anonymous name to "Dear Thelma", maybe he or she can advise me accordingly on my problems? Who knows, maybe I would feel better after that? Anyway there was always some people who is entangled and embroilled in relationship issues, I am at least not alone in this aspect. There was even a chap who is turning gay and has been gullible enough to be preyed upon by his teacher. I wonder what the world is turning into? My problems seems insignificant compared to woes of other people.

I was rather busy today, having quite a number of people who came to see me. Noticeable is a family who come to have their Hepatitis immunisation. I am actually intrigued to learn that many doctors don't actually follow the recommended immunisation practice and by that they actually don't give the appropriate dosage to their patient, therefore saving on costs and earning more. I think more and more doctors are becoming unscruptulous in order to make more money. I pride myself in this as I am ethical enough not to resort to this malpractice. I was busy till afternoon when it started raining and I took a short drive back home to look up my mum, while driving on the road, I received a call that inform me that there are patients waiting for me. I told them to come after half hour as I was unable to turn my car back to my clinic. I think my decision to work on a Sunday is bearing fruit. Financial fruits in this case!

I am still thinking of my ex. I think I will be affected for months to come. Perhaps I am the type that doesn't forget my emotion so easily. The funny thing is that the longer it is, the more prominent she is in my mind. I think this is both my good points as well as my shortcomings. Anyway I have no doubt as to when that day will come when I completely exclude her out of my system. I am hopeful that it will not be too long away from now. It's funny when u look at things retrospectively, I was the one who initiated breakup and now I am the one who is suffering from this arrangement. I am in no doubt that she must have suffered as well during the initial phase of the fall out but I am mystified how could she recover from a relationship so fast, perhaps some people is not cut out to be involved? Hmmm, I wonder?

Back to reality, I know I have actually complain a lot since the start of my blog and it has sort of become monotonous as well as being whiny at times. I realised that but since it's my blog, I can do whatever I want! haha! Anyway seriously I think I will have to move on faster and not harping on my ex too much. I need to find a life! I know, but knowing and being able to do it is a distinct difference. I have to get out and meet more people. Hmm, I wonder where should I start?

My family, hmmm, mum is still the same, maintaining the status quo, she is not getting any better nor she is getting any worse. I reckon it's the most we can do at this point in time. I have been facing a lot of negativity over the past couple of months and I perhaps have had a foul mood during this period. I might have cause some inconvenience to some people around me but I promise that I would be much better in a few more weeks. I reckon I have suffered enough and need to take this as a life lesson.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

16.7.2005

Today is a saturday and it has passed the middle of the month. I am not working today and I had a pleasant time the night before. I went to a place in one of the Suburb and had wine with a former classmate. We had Chilean wine and it was different as compared to the normal Australian wine that I am so accustomed to. The ambience is nice and the service deserves a pat on the back. I saw a lot of patrons and the number of wine afficionados are getting more and more. I believe just a few years ago, people add "sprite or 7Up to their wine! I felt so much better after the "cold" shoulder treatment from my ex. As much as I don't want to accept the fact that things are over, I have to owing to the way she treated me. As I have mentioned, people do change tremendously over time. I have the first hand experience yesterday.

Well I think I should jolt down the gist of what she replied to my message. It goes on and I quote" it's over and my message was cleared, stop sending me message and I am annoy" Wow the vocabulary sucks and I reckon I was really taken aback with the reply. I replied saying that it wasn't my intention to make her angry, and my sole intention was to wish her a happy birthday and to enquire about her wellbeing. She replied something to the effect that she had moved on and no longer loved me, also she is happier and thank me in advance for not contacting her anymore, also all communication from now onwards will be "discarded"? whatever that means? I reckon I should accept that she has changed dramatically over the course of a few months. I am of the opinion that it's really intriguing that she can overcome the emotions "way" so fast!

I have no options but to consider this issue closed. I just think it would be good to remind me in the future to be aware of females of this sort. I am not saying that she is bad to the core, far from it, I still think that she is a nice girl deep inside but acted this way because of some innate protective mechanism. She has done something that IMHO seems to stretch this a bit far. I feel that she is a player now and this is exactly what suites her best. In a way I am no longer attractive to her in the sense that I know her personality to the core and it's then she needs to find some other man for a "test drive" and to see if that man can provide for her the things that a normal person can't. I am concerned that she will never be happy and will be continously hurt not to mention cheated and "used". But alas all this concern turns to naught and she is officially on her own. I don't think my intention will be appreciated and I reckon volunteering in my part is silly and stupid.

I came to learn some dark secrets about my ex and I think it's something that eventhough I suspected and know, I still covered all the signs and information with my love for her. I feel that a normal person wouldn't act the way she acts. Who in the earth would call and haress my friends asking them not to mix with me? Ordinarily I would want to think that my other half have all the confidence in me and will let me mix around with whoever I want. I am not the type that flirts around nor I am interested in seeing other people once I am commited. I reckon I am the type that is fiercely loyal when I am commited and in this case I am, I have quarreled with my family who thinks that she is too immature for me. I defended her naturally as I trusted her against my sisters information about her "indescretion". I still believed her thought although intellect tells me overwise. I think all this is unimportant at this juncture.

I wish her all the best and will pray that she won't be hurt anymore. Also I want to stress that if she do want any help whatsoever I would extend my full assistence to her in whatever that she need.

Saturday is my rest day and I woke up at 9am, and I surmise that my rhythm of waking up at 7am every morning is making me unable to sleep anymore even when I want to. I woke up albeit feeling a bit tired and had my obligatory cup of coffee. I then decided to go for a morning jog in one of the lake garden around my home. I ran for around 35minutes and feeling slightly exhausted with my lack of sleep and I think I barely ran a distance of 6kms? I think I will need to improve on my stamina and endurance to run a longer distance in a few weeks time. I use to run an average 15kms a day every alternate day and now I am no longer able to cover that distance. I think all my work and business commitment is taking it's toll on me. I need to buck up! I went for my favourite curry noodles in a market and I totally enjoyed the hot and boiling meal. I reckon eventhough this place is filthy I still enjoy the exquisite laksa. I went home and showered and then rest and doozed off after a while, woke up at around 2 pm and wanted to ask a friend to go out for a movie but he is unable to go as he is still sleeping! haha, I reckon the weekend for guys my age is basically used for resting and catching up with beauty sleep! I subsequently took a nap and then went for tennis at 7pm. I was supposed to attend a medical conference at 6pm but I decided against it as I am not up to sitting in a lecture for a few hours. The drug representative came on friday night to invite me again to attend it but I wasn't that enthusiatic although if I may add is a good and noble way to get to know more people. They actually nudge me to attend with the intention of introducing some colleagues to me. I am thankful that they are helping me get over my previous relationship. I think I should try making it to more drug talks and conferences next time, who knows, I might get to know some nice and potential females there?

I went for tennis and my muscles are cramping. I had a good time hitting the ball and I think it is good that I sweat a little bit more over the weekend. I think I would make it a point to at least jog or go for tennis at least once a week. I need to take my mind out of my failed relationships. I went back after dinner and took a shower before adjourning to go watch "the Fantastic 4", not particularly a memorable movie but a good watch nonetheless. Came back at 2am and went to bed after that. I hope that tomorrow would be a good day. Another long day beckons tomorrow.

Friday, July 15, 2005

15.7.2005

Wow! today is full of surprises and also IMHO drama laden. I will elaborate more in detail when I get through the initial shock of the thing that happen to me just now. The day started off innocently enough and I woke up pretty early as compared to any other day. I actually reach my clinic earlier than opening time and by then I had some patient already waiting for me! Imagine my chagrin when I have to handle them all alone, without my staff who is late again! My, I may be the most stupid boss in the world! having to tolerate things like this. I reckon I have to impose some penalty so as they would not be late anymore. Perhaps being a nice person is actually detrimental to myself? After finishing consultation with the patients, there were hardly any more activity and I ended typing up yesterdays' happening into my blog. This will be my second posting for the day.

Along the day nothing happen and patients were few and far apart and I had my fair share of reading and posting in my favourite real estate forum. As I've said, I would try calling my ex today and I got around to it at around 5pm. I called her once and she didn't even want to answer! Wow! I wonder how could anyone changed so much until they don't even want to answer a call? I reckon I must have done something very bad towards her. Could it be that I have ill treated her when she was with me. The funny thing is that I felt guilty as I always thought I didn't do justice to her love for me. Did I actually treat her badly? Hmmm, I might have, I am not that sure, but I reckon she didn't treat me as well as I am currently imagining! I don't want to go into any specifics but I have tried giving my all to her during our brief romance but I assume it's not enough for her. I tried being there for her and giving her everything that she wanted but I think she probably wanted more than I could give. Don't get me wrong, she is a nice girl but I think I am just not her type. She needs someone who she can control and possess perhaps, someone not as boring and monotonous as me, someone who could guarantee and give her confidence? I am unsure as to the answer to all the previous questions.

I proceeded to sms her and my heart nearly fell out when she replied albeit after a good half hour! She told me that I am angering and pissing her by merely smsing her! I could never ever thought that what I am doing can evoke such a response from her. I admitted that I must have had a misconception about wanting her to be happy, and being concerned about someone that I had loved and still love. Boy was I so very wrong. I reckon there are two face to a relationship, either it's love or hate, no grey zones in between. She claims that she had moved forward and there is no longer any feeling for me, fair enough. But the way that she replied actually made me realise that I don't know her at all! I don't actually know the person that I had grown to love so much! What the heck must I be thinking? Am I blinded by my love for her? I must have really hurt her so much to actually bring out the best or worst in a person. The sardonic remarks are actually too much to bear. I ordinarily would not even do it to people I loathe. I figure she detest me that much!

Did I have it great the last time, I think the answer to that question is Yes and No. I had been blinded by my feelings for her, obliterating the obvious. I had loved her and incredulously still love her. I think my feelings is something that is beyond comprehension. I made a promise to myself that I will still wait for her on the 29th although I am totally convince 100% that she will not come. It's my unique way of overcoming this and try moving on. I am sad that she is even remotely capable of words like this considering the amount that we have been through. Would anyone ordinarily treat a person that they had loved like this? I mean we were so very close last time until there was talk of settling down together! I know life goes on and what I am experiencing is a small insignificant blip by anyone's standards. But perhaps I am inimitable in this way.

I hope and pray that she will be happy with her life, experiencing good relationships henceforth, and never ever come in contact with as*holes like me. I hope and pray that everyone around her treats her well and pamper her. I hope and pray that she will be comfortable and have anything that she could possibly would want, with all the niceties in life, I hope and pray that whatever her dreams are, would be fulfilled, I hope and pray that she would have a productive and long life. I hope and pray that all blessings will be with her. I hope and pray that what I want for her is a reality. I hope and pray.......

14.7.2005

Well, today is not such a great day for me. It started off innocently enough and I reached my clinic without a hitch, I had a reasonable amount of sleep the night before and had some nice tea with my regular friends. I reckon these are the only 2 other people that is close to me and I tend to look them up for drinks, games and also the occasional movie. I got home the night before at around half pass eleven and after bathing and cleaning up had a couple of beers. Slept by around 1am.

There whole day was reasonable in the sense that when I reach the clinic I had a patient waiting for me to do their blood test. I thought that it was going to be a good day, but am I wrong! Business wise was so so, and the collection was not bad but apart from a few untoward incidences that actually got me going. One of them was I had to get back home at around noon and to insert (again) the urinary catheter for my mum. She has (again) removed it and in the process destroy the tube. If memory serves me right, I have change more than 7 tubes for her. I hope this latest tube can at least last a good 2 weeks. Mum is still strong apart from the fact that she is wasting away and I reckon she is going downhill. I don't think there is anything else that can be done and we are trying to postpone the iminent as long as possible. Sometimes I feel that she is exacting a toll on us and it's very depressing and stressful.

Oh when I was driving back to check out my mum, my car was knocked into by a stupid motorcyclist! The idiotic chap was trying to zig zag his way around the stationary cars and end up knocking into my car! Bloody hell, he just ran off "beating" the red light! Damn! Need to get it repaired again! Another hole in my wallet! Sigh*

I came back to the clinic feeling somewhat exasperated with the things going around me. The day progressed with a trickle of patients coming due to the fact that it was raining, as in any other day the complains are more or less the same. When it was towards the later part of the evening I saw a child that has been complaining of chronic cough and also high fever on and off. I saw him and concluded that he is suffering from pneumonia, I asked them to take him to the hospital but was instead told that they had been to the hospital but was told that the child is fine. I treated him with some medications and told them to go to the hospital in case something happen. I wrote a referral to them and in my opinion, he should be fine. Then something happen, an ophthalmologist came to my clinic to introduce himself and to inform about him opening a new clinic close by. Naturally he wants me to refer any eye cases to him and I have no problems with that. The funny thing is that when he found out that I was also eye trained in one of the hospitals, he asked if I knew his wife who happens to work in the same hospital with me the last time with the name of so and so. I was so very surprised to learn that his wife is none other than my previous girlfriend! Yoicks! I didn't even know that she is married! OMG! and that too I almost got married to her. Anyway something happen and we went our separate ways. Suffice to say that I felt totally out and at my age, why wouldn't I? I have achieve so little where else everyone seems to be overtaking me! Am I pressuring myself too much? How I felt my heart being tugged by a string nay a rope! Too much for me to bear. I reckon I am the last person in this world to know about this. I reckon my whole life is besotted with relationship woes and problems. Am I being too choosy?

I reflected on myself. I felt bad the whole night through. I think I should not wait until the 29th to meet up with my ex gf. I don't think I have anything to loose if I call her now and try to get me to meet up with me. I think she hasn't got the email and I think to take the direct approach is the best thing that I can do. I won't loose anything and at least I will know how she is doing when I call her. If she is happy I would be happy too! All this has makes me have a different perspective and different approach in life. Perhaps this is a cue and a jolt for me to change my thinking? I will perhaps call her today or tomorrow! I have prayed for divine intervention and I reckon what I can do is only so much. The anticipation of calling her is exacting a toll on me. Am feeling all the results from the sympathetic stimulus with all the flushing, palpitation, and anxiety! Jeez, get a grip man, u have gone through so much in life and this should be nothing. I think the anticipating is worst than actually talking to her. I reckon I would only try calling her tomorrow. I feel like a student going for my first major university examination or my first operating case! I must be getting nuts.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

13.7.2005

Today is the wednesday, 13th day of the seventh month. What am I doing writing something over at this blog when I know none will be reading? Well it's grouses most of the time and basically most of the blog is written with some depressed ideas, some negativity, and almost every post is filled with stories about what happen to me between my ex and what is happening to me now. It's monotonous as well as doesn't contain any real substance. So is it really doing me any good writing? The only thing that I can console myself into saying this is that it only helped me by wasting my time and expanding my fantasies about my ex. So had it really helped? I am also unsure of the following question. Has it achieve the objective of making me feel better? I reckon it haven't as I am still feeling as miserable as hell.

So what is blogging actually doing to me? I reckon as usual it's a "fix" that I need to have daily, making this into an axis of Caffeine, Daily Newspapers and blogging. According to Bush Jr, the axis of evil is formed by "Iran, North Korea, and Syria" but as I see it, it's formed by "coffee, papers and blog"! I saw a documentary a few nights before regarding a hospital in China offering treatment to cure people suffering from addiction to the internet, the so called "net surfers" or in my terminology, "nett sufferers"! I am begining to suspect that I might be turning into one of them, when that happens, I don't know how to even react. I wonder this is the legacy of my ex? I'm never the type that chat for long hours on the net and surf the net for reading materials but lately I have been online most of the time, writing on my blog and hoping that it would do it's job of lightening me up a bit. Hmm, reckon it's failed to do it's job.

Anyway am trying to force myself to not think about my ex anymore than I already should. I reckon she have been in my mind the a big portion of time and it's taking it's toll on my wellbeing. Why must I suffer anymore since she doesn't want to even consider about our relationship? I reckon men needs to be ill treated in order to realise that they had it great. In other words we need to be constantly reminded about how good a life we have by having a contrasting and bad experience and being treated like shit at times! But seriously I have been through hell as I suspect that she had been when I broke off with her initially but now might be enjoying herself with another different guy? I hope not but it keeps popping into my mind and it hurts like hell. What can I do? I have done and exhausted all my avenues and my options. My last hope is that she will turn out to meet me on the 29th. I think that is what is in my mind. I am not confident that she will come though but we'll see, it'll be 15 more days and counting. She haven't been accessing her emails and the net. I wonder where is she? perhaps on a holiday somewhere? Curiosity killed the cat err man in this sense.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

12.7.2005

Today is Tuesday, 12th of July. Another day of work, another day in this world. I haven't been writing about myself yesterday and I reckon it's a welcome change from my daily grouses. I think alternating between my grouses and the events unfolding around the country and the world would be refreshing. I woke up feeling refreshed as I had some drinks the night before, no ciggies though, I am planning to cut that down. Also weigh around 65kgs and my neck still hurts like hell. I think I am getting older and my system takes a longer time to hear, similarly my skin problem has not exactly improved that much. I wonder what the heck is wrong with me? Perhaps there is a total shutdown of my body? I am a doctor and I am also mystified by my condition. Maybe what I need is company?

Came to work and there was a slight jam. It's a bit unnatural to be caught in the jam on the way to work as I travel against the flow of the majority of cars. Perhaps it was raining the whole of last night and many people woke up late? I reached my clinic a bit later but I don't think it makes any difference as there isn't anyone waiting to consult me. I open and started on the daily grind. Nothing much, patient was more or less pretty similar to previous days and I had my usual activities in the morning, coffee and also the papers. Nothing much, apart of the usual happenings around the world, the bombing in London, the usual unrest in Iraq and South Thailand, the Sino-China politics as well as the issue regarding North Korea. I think when u read enough, the thing to do next is to anticipating what will happen globally next. I wrote on my blog when I was a bit free and with nothing to occupy me. I have begun to take this as a daily ritual and it's good in the sense that I have at least a sounding board for my opinions and grouses. How in the right frame of mind would want to hear the inccesant complains of a 35 year old burnt out? I reckon this is as best as it could and can get!

So what else is new? Tuesday seems to be the day that everything takes a backseat. No action, patients that see me are mostly suffering from the standard Cough, cold, fever, and sore throat. Nothing much to it, plenty of fluids and rest. Well I find a practising GP boring and not challenging. What else can I do? I am in my "prime" without a other half, without money, with a monotonous job and what else can I do to change the status quo? I have been asking the same question for so long and I haven't a clue as how to change this. I reckon cracking my head somemore will yeild the exact answer.

Business is getting better eventhough it's at a slow pace. I think I see an average of mid to high teen numbers of patient and it's not that bad considering I have been practising here for slightly over a year. I am praying that eventhough I don't get satisfaction in my work, the least is that it would be financially rewarding and it seems to me that it's going at the right direction with that latter. I hope that I would be making some actual money over the course of next few years. I could then cut down my timings and concentrate of looking for love. I am a looser when it comes to this, imagine having a big L over my forehead, It initially was a big D when I was a kid but now it has incredulously change into a L!

It'll be in 2 weeks time that my ex celebrate her birthday, and 2 days later is the scheduled meeting. I am pretty sure that she will not turn up but nonetheless I am still hopeful. I am of the opinion that when there is no hope, there is nothing to look forward to. I am as curious as to why I still miss and love her so? Maybe the rejection and the cold shoulders is exacting a revenge on her part towards me? I always wonder the last time when we were together was actually based on what? Was it lust or love? I always thought it was the former as we enjoyed our sessions so much. Perhaps I was totally mistaken, I now KNOW that it was actually based on emotion and love. I reckon this is as clueless in a relationship that I could get, failure in my part as a 35 year old man!

I wonder what is she planning for her 25th birthday? I think might be a getaway somewhere or perhaps a romantic dinner somewhere with another person? I always wonder about things like this when the someone who has been so close to you suddenly isn't anymore? I feel like shit when I think about it. I ponder about my options and I think I have tried all avenues and exhausted every expense to get her to change her mind. I think I have already lost. Anyway life still goes on eventhough there are times when we feel out of place, out of check with our emotions, we still need to carry on living and breathing and also doing what we have to do. The thing that got me thinking is that I am worried for her. She is so very gullible and I am afraid that she will be taken advantage of. I may not be the best person in her mind, but I was at least sincere and I reckon I never cheated on her before. I tried treating her well but everytime I got angry when she's in her neurotic self. Retrospectively I should have approach this relationship in a different light and address her self confidence first and gain her trust before I embark on getting further into the relationship. For this I have failed and failed miserably.

She is basically a very nice girl but was hurt many times along the way which kinda explain her lack of self confidence as well as her overly protective attitude and distrust for other people. I had wanted her to change her perception but I was perhaps too eager and impatient. I think in this aspect I had not did the right thing. Why is she like that? The main problem is that she was in her mind an unwanted child. She was conceived when her parents aren't married and due to the pressure of a child, they had gotten married. But in reality, it's not the pressure of having her that force their parents to get married, but in reality they loved each other. Perhaps the misconception that her parents was forced into matrimony and the thought of actually of an abortion is too much for her to bear? She was a problem child when it comes to this aspect, always with the believe in mind that she was unwanted. She henceforth becomes difficult and not wanting to listen to her parents which is why she was being cared for by her granny. I should have understand this when I started going out with her. Somehow I overlooked this important factor. I can be so stupid and pigheaded sometimes.

Along the way she has many trials and tribulations, she was taken advantaged of by a friend, someone that she trusted. I am sure with this, she might have developed some amount of animosity when she wants to let her feelings decide. She has to put on a mask in order to preserve and protect her emotion. Perhaps this is a usual primordial reaction a person takes when they are being hurt repeatedly? I didn't do my part to address this problem. All in all she has to fight and fend for herself. All this while she has been searching for love and she was involved with one that she was considerably happy with, her first ex. I could distinctly remember that she told me that she loved him so much but was totally hurt when she found out that he has been cheating behind her back. He was involved with other females and was sleeping around. Also he was abusive and tend to hit her rather frequently. I think this past relationship issue has actually taken a toll on her emotional psyche that it will be next to impossible to correct her perception. I was given a chance last time to address this to love and shower her with confidence but this was the chance that I didn't actually take. I have failed in this aspect, gravely if I may add.

It's now back to where I have started, feeling guilty and lonely due to my past mistakes. I am not saying that she is perfect and I had done so many wrongs to her, but I didn't take my cue and help her to change her shortcomings. I bear full responsibilities in this. I have instead of helping her get rid of her problem, compounded the problem further. I didn't want to be involved with her anymore and I pushed her away. I am worried that she will be trapped again with another fruitless and bad relationship but I have tried letting her know that I loved and want her. She will hate me for breaking it off with her and she will never come back. I know and understand her that much. All the while this being at the back of my mind, I am still hopeful though, praying that with some divine intervention and miracle, she will come to her senses and forgive and come back. Till that day comes I will always love and cherish what we had and continue to pray for her wellbeing.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

11.7.2005

A new day and a new begining. I promise myself not to feel unhappy today at least have a more positive outlook and to take whatever challenges that come my way with a more positive attitude. I think my continous repetoire of my relationship problems is getting more and more monotonous and so for a change I would refocus my energy into something more concrete and informative. I reckon the things that i can comment on is the daily occurences that is happening in and around our surroundings. I am most irritated and concerned by the inconsiderate road users that is present in our country. Have u ever seen inept and stupid drivers double parking on the side of the road? Motorist beating the light? I even had motorcyclist beating red light even the contraflow lights has already turn green! Surprising? I am not. I reckon even if they were being knocked down I don't think I have the slightest sympathy for them. Why would I? I was nearly "creamed" by them many times already!

I wonder why would motorcyclist risk limb and life just to save some time? Do beating the red light safe u lots of time? A common misnomer by the way. At the most, the time safe if probably a few extra minutes, but is it worth it? The very fact that it is a common fact but uncommon knowlege that the difference between a car and a motorbike is that in cars, it's metal covering the "skin" where else in a motorcycle, it's the exact opposite, which is "skin" covering the metal. So with less wheels and more exposed skin, do they thing that they can make it every time? Reports estimates that more than 80% of vehicular accidents involving motorcyclist ends in death or permanent disabilities. Higher incidence like this happens in Asean countries like Malaysia and Thailand as it is by far the cheapest mode of transport and can be easily available to the masses. The younger age which one can obtain a licience is another contributing factor to the equation. As it is, more and more youngsters are obtaining permit to drive and since adrenaline seems to be a "driving force" these people tend to ride very fast and recklessly, without a care in the world for authority and the law of the day. I think this is one of the reason where social decay starts.

There are so many legislation and law to curb people and to maintain law and order, but the fact remains that it's only a law and is written somewhere in the books, some enactment and some sublaw which in effect is not used to punish those caught. Worst still with so many laws, most of the officers and the police involved are not even well versed with them. There are instances that the ones which breaks the laws like speeding and running the red light is perpetrated by the peope entrusted to safeguard them. With that there is also lack of enforcement in the part of the authorities. I think the average citizen need to voice their concerns to the police in this matter. But as much as I am saying that most already accepted the fact and in effect turn a blind eye into things like this. It'll be only tragedy waiting to happen, what if a bus ferrying school children collide with a semi truck beating the red light, only then and then will people spring to their feet and motioning with aghast about the horror. But being the average Malaysian, unless it's up their backside, no one will spring into action.

I remember a case when I was attached to a hospital on the east coast. I was on duty and there was a few accidents that came to the emergency ward. There was a chap on a bike that was involved in an accident that have broken his foot. He was in an illegal race and was injured while racing for the prize of a "girl"! anyway he had a fractured femur, tibia fibula and some lacerated and abrasion injuries. He was in pain asked me for some relief. I replied that with that fractures, no pain medication will work. I enquired what was his speed when he crashed and he told me 160kms/hr. My! even with my car, the fastest that i had ever gone were 130kms/hr! He's lucky that he didn't suffer from anything more!

I am wondering what the authorities will do to curb this problem? Would courtesy drives and public education made any difference? Would demerit point systems do it's role without any real enforcement? I seriously doubt it. I think the most important thing to change is the perception and the behaviour of the general public. Without proper common sense, problems like this will fester continously. Meanwhile the scenario of the bus and the trailer is one this is just waiting to happen.

Back to my existence. Business in so so, seeing more patients over the earlier part of the day, towards to late evening and night, patients were sparse and few. I reckon it may be due to the fact that it was raining. Ah well, I reckon it would be good to just rest a bit as I had barely 40 winks last nite. I reckon my insomnia is getting worst by the day, which actually sort of explains my foul moods. I am still controlling my temper thought and I have promised myself not to be too moody and to be more cheerful. Am well on my way there I think, just need more time to reach that goal. went back home after work and had some drinks before falling asleep.

Monday, July 11, 2005

10.7.2005

Today is not such a bright and sunny day, literaly, It was raining the whole night and when I was up it was a bit misty as well as cloudy. I didn't actually sleep very much in the hotel room, far from what I anticipated. I am not complaning about the hotel, but I couldn't sleep perhaps of my sleep cycle being disturbed with the beers that I drank? I reckon my sleeping pattern is so screwed that only nothing short of a miracle can change the rhythm. Oh I wish to be normal and to be able to sleep like everybody else. I started off with a warm shower in the hotel room, and checking out by 8am, I bypassed the breakfast and I drove straight to work from the hotel. I got lost halfway and double back to the original road and drove via LDP to work. I arrived 15 mins later than usual and the cars parks were already full by then. I manage to find myself a parking spot and squeeze my car in.

Today would generally be a good day as it is a Sunday and I have more or less monopolise this place as I am the only GP opening today. Patient load was okay and was busy on and off. I ended up reading my paper with my coffee and then some articles regarding the bombing in London. Pretty sad nowadays and everything seems to be pertaining to violence and more violence. I think I am sad that I am living in the world that is filled with anger and hatred. My body aches from my jog and I had a sprained neck that is already a few days old but reared it's worst today. I am taking some pain relieve medications to ally the pain. Did I mention that recently I have a lot of medical problems? I am down with muscular aches as well as skin problem, which is actually dermatitis or atopic eczema. I am taking some medication and it has improved slightly, It's used to itch like mad, but I don't actually know what is the aetiology of my problem but I think it must be something to do with the amount of stress that I am undergoing. I have been applying creams and taking oral corticosteroids to reduce my problem. I hope it would soon pass. I remembered my ex having some skin problem as well and I always treated her condition. I wish to be given a change to be concern and to care for her again.

I had to go back home as mum has again removed her catheter again and need to pee. I went back and did the neccesary procedure and she is much better after inserting the tube. I rested at home for a while until the phone rang and I had to go back to my clinic. I saw a few patients on the morning and took a late lunch. Recently I have not been taking food as much as I used to have. I weigh myself in the hotel and I weigh a measly 62kgs. I reckon I am the type that don't have an appetite when I am feeling blue. I have once weigh 75kgs when I was in my previous clinic and I was happy then, It was when I was with my girlfriend and I had a voracious appetite. I don't know if I will ever have one again.

I am in depression again. I checked my ex's homepage in friendster and found that she hadn't accessed her email for the pass 5 days. I know it's none of my business but I am worried that she is with someone and will ignore the email that I sent her. I felt shitty after this and is trying very hard not to feel like that. At this time from the begining to now, I have lost 8kgs, started smoking and drink more than I usually do. As much as I don't want to admit, she is affecting more than I would want to own up to. I reckon I have to somehow wring myself out of this pathetic situation, least I would suffer for months to come. So many things are playing it's role in my mind, is she with someone? Is she having fun and has totally throw me out of her system? I reckon and think that she probably has and it really feels like shit. I have to bear responsibilities for my action. I admit to be at fault here and I regret my action. If only..

It is gradually sinking in that she will never come to the meeting that I have set up. The reality is slowly dawning and I must say that anticipating it is draining me mentally. I end up thinking about what I will do when she DOES turn up? I even entertained the idea of getting down to my knees and proposing to her, Buying her a diamond ring, letting her plan for holiday at least once a year? Am I loosing it? Intellectually I know I am still in control but it's anyone's guess. I am thankful as I am still mentally strong and still able to prod myself back to reality. I only hope to be given a chance to meet up with her and to talk to her. I made a few vows that if she were to give us a chance:-

I will be a vegetarian for 3 months
I will settle down with her by year end
I will let her decide and plan what she wants to do and go
I will go for holiday overseas at least once a year
I will get her a diamond ring to propose to her, something bigger than half a carat
I will shift out with her or even buy another condo in Mt Kiara
I will work less and spend more time with her to enjoy our lives together
I will be more supportive to her needs and what she wants to do
I will love her for all eternity

I am actually preparing myself for the event that she does not turn up. I know I need to move on and I am actually trying very hard. I know I am getting slightly mental but I seriously love her too much and I want her to realise that she needs to have confidence in me and I am different from her previous exs. I reckon humans are like that. When we are happily in the comfort zone, we won't want to change and do what is neccesary to better the relationship. We need stimulus like a fight or a breakup to jolt us back and change. I reckon this is true in my part. I never appreciate and cherish our relationship last time, but this period of time spend alone and thinking actually fast track me to think of what is the priorities and what do I actually want and need. If given a chance I want to tell her that she needn't be so possesive until it wrecks havoc on our relationship.

Anyway all this hinges on her coming for our meeting. I will do what I can and whatever deem suitable to win her back no matter what, if she comes. I guess this is what I can do to give her some confidence. I also realise something, when the feeling is gone, no matter how much we want the status quo to be back, it will be very very difficult but nonetheless I am still trying. Just hope and pray that she knows and understand my feelings. I hope what i do is not in vain and is not futile.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

9.7.2005

Today is the actual day that I am writing this blog, I am currently not working and in my hotel room in the administrative capital of Malaysia in Shangrila Hotel. I had come here for a conference and it is rather informative. I had met up with a couple of former college mates and they are doing pretty well compared to me. Most of them are married and came here with their spouse and children. I think I will elaborate how I feel later. Upon reaching this place (it was really difficult to find) I had checked in into the hotel and my this is really a beautiful place, very chic and very very nice. This I reckon is by far the most beautiful hotel that I had stayed in.

I attended the conference and I reckon there are lots of doctors that doesn't actually respect other fellow attendees. There are mobile going off and some even are talking behind the person that is giving out the lectures. I think the poor attitute of the people is not only confined to the lower economic as well as the lower educated people, but has sadly permeated into all fascia of the society. I wonder if even professionals can act like that, what will happen to their offsprings? I attended and I was rather bemused with some of the antics of the fellow attendees as well as the drug company employees. I think this is acceptable to everyone, but why not me? Perhaps I am a bit different from people like this?

Just the night before I took a long drive to one of the suburbs around and to shop in a hypermarket. I bought some basic clinic neccesities and also some beers. I reckon without this "beverage" I would have some hard time falling asleep. Anyway I end up driving around to look for an internet cafe place that my ex mention about around the area of the hypermart. Needless to say I was trying to bump into her. I don't know if I am turning into stalking? I reckon I wasn't actually stalking as I was driving around and evaluating the area for I have been reading about it alot on the local real estate forum. Anyway I didn't find that place and no, I didn't manage to find her car as well. I stop by a cafe and had a couple of beers to get me going, went home and slept by around 3am.

Back to the conference, as I was saying this is such a beautiful place and I sort of started remembering the good times that me and my ex had when we were attending conference, it's times like this that I feel the most blue. After the conference I went for a very long jog around this place and it was nice. At least I had some form of relaxation and exercise. I reckon this admistrative capital is so well organised but too far to benefit the average citizen. This is really a watse of public funds. I jogged for three quarters of an hour covering a mere 7kms, a far cry from my usual 15kms. But I reckon I should not push myself too much, I need to rush to work tomorrow from this place.

I attended the dinner invitation and felt totally out of place. I observed that most have families with them and I am the only person that attended this conference alone. I feel like a total looser. I had some food albeit not much, prefer to concentrate on getting some fibres instead of food filled with fats and proteins. I think even if I am feeling blue and depressed I would at least do my physical self a favour instead of abusing it futher with unhealthy foodstuffs. I reckon my daily onslaught of alcohol is doing some amount of damage already, but rest assured, I had my blood profile done and the results are first class. Due to the family members, the amout of food is invariably not enough, I had my portion and left early and here I am writing this blog. I am planning to have some beer in my room after this and perhaps go for another jog in the fitness club? The least I can do to at least take my mind out of my predicament.

I decided against going to the gym, perhaps it's because that I am feeling a bit tired and also I had some beers, I decided to rest and watch what is on TV, nothing much, just some programmes and lots of news pertaining to the horrific bomb blast in London. I bathe and had a warm soak in the oversized bathtub. It was filled with rejuvenating bath salts and I reckon this is the first time that I have had this experience. It sort of relieve my aching muscles and also relaxes my mind. I had a few more beers and started reading some magazines provided by the hotel. I noticed that there are lots of socialites and the only thing that they do is to socialise and mingle with high society. What a life!! I thought to myself that that isn't a bad thing to be involved with people like that. Even though it's a bit fake and totally devoid of any sincerity but I could do with some fakeness in my life. It only burns and drive me more to strive for something better. I am totally discontent with my life and I made a promise to myself, that is to better my situation and change my current lifestyle. I made a promise to move up in life, catching up on the rat race and also perhaps thrust myself into politics? I think this is the easiest way to get noticed and take an elevator ride to the top. Am I becoming too impatient? I plan to retire if not shorten my work time by the age of 40, 5 years from now. I promise to make time for my loved ones and for my gf if she do decide to give us a chance. I know it may be too late but I am still harbouring hope that she will reconsider. I always think that with arguments and making up, both parties will invariably benefit from understanding each other more. It's the ability to make things work that distinguish a relationship and makes it great. It's times like this alone in the hotel room that made me reflect whatever happen to my gf and me over the course of our courtship. The fact of the matter remains that I still deeply loved her, and something that she once wrote begin to ring in my ears. Remembering her actual words actually makes it even worse, she wrote a really meaningful and tender words that I will reproduce here:-

From the moment I knew you,
I wanted to meet you.
From the moment I saw you,
I wanted to know you more.
From the moment I knew you,
I was in LOVE with you.
From the moment I loved you,
I wanted to share my life with you.
And for that moment to this moment,
and for all the moment to come................
I will LOVE you with all my heart and soul.

I LOVE YOU DARLING,

I just want to tell her that I LOVE YOU TOO.